Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts. I've been quite unlucky with finding a job, and have been living with my folks for 2.5 years. They've been supportive but I'm at an age (30) where I should be living my own life but I can't have my own life because I haven't been able to find a job, afford to move out, and establish my sense of self and identity. Lately, I was offered what I thought would be an ideal job. It's in the industry I wish to excel in. However, because there were several red flags, I turned it down. Initially I thought I made the right decision but now, having some slight regrets. My BF said he would support me even if I took the job but obviously he's happier, because I turned down the job as he believes it would mean I will get back to the UK quicker.
Ever since turning down the job, I've been feeling really low and have been crying for the past 3 days. Even though I told myself I made the right choice, nothing seems to motivate me, nothing feels right, I feel regretful of all my choices. I quite literally sit and watch the day go by. I told my BF how I felt, how I wanted to re-connect with my identity and just wanted some alone time to re-discover my sense of self as I've been denied this for quite some time. By nature, I'm an introvert who likes being alone.
He didn't take it well, even though he knows I've a big decision to make in whether to move back to the UK. He said I was holding on to him until I find something better, he pushed me to set a date of my return which I told him (so he would get off my back). The other issue is our age gap, he is heading towards retirement while I should be, if things actually had worked out for me career-wise, I should be making serious career decisions or at least have established myself in my career. He keeps telling me he can't wait any longer and I said to him to forget it if he just wants someone to be on the same "life journey" (someone his own age).
I've stayed in Australia for longer than I have intended (thanks to pandemic) and now am feeling "settled back" in Australia and the prospect of returning to the UK is dimmer than 2 years ago. I feel suffocated; after I told him my problems with feeling lost, he's pushed me to make a decision about returning to the UK. Am I being unfair?