My heart goes out to you and your family so very much, especially your son. Being a mum, I can easily imagine your heartbreak for him.
I imagine you've possibly already tried this but I can't help but wonder. Has anyone ever suggested 'leading your daughter to come to her senses' in an outside the square kind of way? What I mean by this is - is it possible your daughter, while being highly sensitive, is misinterpreting what she's sensing? For example, you could say to her 'No, you can't do that'. While she's sensing resistance (a negative feeling), you're sensing direction (a positive feeling) through this form of guidance. They're 2 completely different feelings or sensations in the body.
You mention her high intelligence. Does she have the kind of intelligence where she can sense just about everything, like the mood of the house, the mood of individuals, the overwhelming feelings that can come with certain challenges, being emotionally shut down? Can she sense a lack of direction, can she feel when she's being judged by others (something we can typically get a feel for through experience)? Do her feelings trigger her even if she doesn't know exactly what she's feeling or why she's feeling it?
I'm wondering if people ask your daughter what she's sensing exactly, when she enters into a state of anger. Does she know what she's sensing? Could she be sensing her own resistance when it comes to constructive change? Is this something she can identify with? It's an absolutely horrible feeling at times, that's for sure. Does she seem happier when she's more in touch with her feelings?
There's not a huge amount of talk out there about both the ups and downs in relation to heightened sensitivity and how we feel it in a number of ways, both good and bad. It's like you can't necessarily feel dis-ease (unease) in a certain challenge that can possibly be going on for weeks. When it starts to go on for months, you can begin to really feel the dis-ease (unease/stress). By the time it hits years, it is undeniable, you can feel it on so many levels. It changes you. It changes your mind, your body and, on some level, your sense of soul or connection to life. I don't have to tell you...to feel so deeply, so intensely is not just exhausting, it can be overwhelming and debilitating.
Again, my heart goes out to you.
By the way, wondering if anyone has ever led you to research 'The abilities of a highly sensitive person'. Wondering if such research could help somewhat.