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Topic: Fiance left me, my fault, and she is my other half

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. M90941
    M90941 avatar
    2 posts
    27 July 2020

    My fiance of 10 months left me this week. Our story is unique & painful. My mental illness (recently diagnosed) caused this situation.

    – We met 7 years ago, based on a lie. That lie lasted around 1 year, when the truth eventually came out. It broke us, but we never separated. We pushed ahead and tried to move on. We never sought professional help (probably a mistake on both parts). That lie encompassed all she knew about me in those early days; we never cleared the air properly.
    – During arguments, I would get angry, call her names/insult her, saying things I did NOT mean. We both now realise this is part of my illness. In the past 12 months, whilst we still fought, it wasn't as bad.
    – I proposed to her 10 months ago, it was the best day of our lives, she said yes.

    – 7 Weeks ago she suggested I seek mental health; I did. This was the first time it was brought up/taken action. I've been diagnosed with OCTB + PD, one core symptom being that I lie when I'm anxious, stemming from trauma. The root causes are being identified, I have meds + therapy weekly now. I'm on a positive path to making a full recovery, I feel like I have solutions to my illness; the most in control I've ever felt.
    – We share a 2 year old dog, who we both love (our 'kid').
    – She said she needs to work on herself, that she does not see us together anymore, but still wants to be friends. She said she still loves me, but to what extent I don't know.
    – She agreed to couples therapy with me in 3 days, but I have no idea how she will go or if she will stay committed. I'm 100% committed, I'll talk openly, I accept responsibility & I'm already on a positive path. She told me she thinks therapy wont work.
    – My birthday is this week (30) & she is still coming to my party (which she organised). Her birthday is in Sept (26).
    – We were supposed to get married in 2021. She already has her dress/shoes. We even have a deposit on the venue.
    – She likes my family, they have a good relationship. Not super close, but ‘good enough’.

    I love her. She is the love of my life. I never stopped loving her, even though I let her down. She moved out this week; I told her I will support her. She knows I love her and I'm sorry. I can't repeat that again. She said I've given her the best and worst memories of her life. I know I broke her trust. My therapist says that I have every chance to make a full recovery & be a totally different person. Is there a chance for us through therapy?

  2. uncut_gems
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    uncut_gems avatar
    275 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to M90941

    Hi M90941,

    Welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing a bit about what you're struggling with. I'm sorry to hear that your fiancee has left– the end of a relationship is always painful, especially one that we are gearing up to take the next step in.

    I'm very glad to hear that you have gotten set up with the mental health resources you need, and that you're approaching this challenge with such a great attitude. Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I'll echo what your therapist said about you having a great chance at recovering.

    On the topic of your partner and couples therapy, unfortunately this is where your control over the situation ends. It would be great if you two go through this together and work on your issues, but as you say, your relationship was built on a lie, you have mistreated her, and you have given her some of her worst memories. Whether or not this behavior is partially or totally attributable to your own mental health struggles, this is not the foundation for a healthy marriage, and is not an acceptable way to treat a loved one. I mention this not because I think you don't know this, but because I know that you do.

    It is important to be prepared for the possibility that she may not want to repair this relationship, and to understand why. I have great faith that through the self-work you're undertaking, and the treatment for your underlying conditions, will help lay the groundwork for healthier relationships further on.

    Warmly,

    Gems

    2 people found this helpful
  3. M90941
    M90941 avatar
    2 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to uncut_gems

    thank you for the reply.

    I understand that it is not the foundation for a healthy marriage, and I am able to change, and currently on track to do so.

    I know that once I recover through my weekly CBT + in-person therapy, and the meds really kick in, I will finally be able to control my own life. I love her, and I do not want to hurt her ever again. I want to give us a shot, because we never sought professional help for anything (personally or together) and I think that was a mistake, which I want to try and rectify.

    She also said I've given her the best memories of her life, too. Love was absolutely there, she constantly called me her other half, up until 3 weeks ago.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. uncut_gems
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    uncut_gems avatar
    275 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to M90941

    Hi M90941,

    I think your determination to better yourself is really inspiring. Therapy works best when we approach it with exactly that attitude of being willing (and perhaps even excited) to do the hard work. Best of luck with your fiancee, and please let us know how you go. We're always here for you.

    Best,

    Gems

    1 person found this helpful

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