Heartbreak has such a devastating feel to it. It's just so incredibly painful. I feel for you so deeply as you face the great challenges that come with his words.
Being a gal who's an ex drinker, one of the many reasons as to why I no longer drink is based on me not being able to carefully manage my brain/mind and therefor my words when alcohol's involved. As drinking buddies in the beginning of our 25 year relationship, my husband remains a drinker and this poses problems such as the one you face. Some of the 'revelations' that come out of his mouth when he's been drinking can feel truly soul destroying at times.
To be fully conscious of our thoughts and how we express them vs being in a state of semi consciousness when alcohol's involved can produce different results. I figure, when a person becomes fully conscious again, it's then that they should take responsibility for what they've said and how they delivered it. While they could have phrased things more thoughtfully, more consciously, the fact remains they didn't. Getting them to face responsibility is a must, otherwise it's us who can't move on and that's just not fair.
Having known my husband for so long, I know the way his brain ticks and this relates to something you touched on. The process for him is 1) I said something when I was drunk that perhaps I should have phrased better and now I'm facing my wife raising the issue, then 2) I'll face her talking about it while hoping she calms down and 3) I no longer want to face this, which equates to him saying 'Just stop going on about it' and finally 4) now that I've shut this down everything's back to normal. Of course, for us, it's not back to a healthy form of normal because we're suffering. If that's normal, there's something seriously wrong.
While there may be some elements of truth when it comes to what a drunk person says, it's about how they phrase their version of the truth. If they verbally phrase it harshly or brutally, we'll feel that brutality. MB19, I'm a serious 'feeler', big time. I'll feel 'a knife to the heart' comment, I'll feel a 'Knock her off her feet' comment, I'll feel a 'Kick her while she's down' comment. A person has the chance to provide serious after care when they've inflicted injury. If they don't, we have every right to question that lack of care. We also have every right to express our pain.
I'm glad you gave yourself the freedom to come here and express your pain. Self expression is good for the soul.