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Topic: Getting out of a toxic relationship

  1. Mooioio
    Mooioio avatar
    10 posts
    26 July 2020

    I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years. I love and think the world of him. However, I have reached my limit and have decided that enough is enough and it’s time to let go.

    The last few years were hard. The worst is that I realised I have been emotionally abused and weren’t even aware of it. He always appeared to be very charming and kind, that he would go through length to make someone feel special and loved. But behind all the nice and considerate gestures are the constant criticism, contempt and stonewalling.

    I used to feel I am responsible for everything because he guilted trip me on everything. To the point where I thought I were the most useless, self centred and good for nothing person. Everytime we had a fight, I used to run after him begging because I couldn’t imagine a life without him and that maybe I can’t survive on my own if he isn’t around.

    One of my good friend introduced me to a therapist a couple of years ago. And she made me realised self worth and that everyone deserved to be treated with respect and love. He took me for granted and felt entitled for everything that I gave unconditionally. I supported his dream, ambition and career while putting myself second yet nothing is ever enough. A set back and next thing I know I am responsible for all things that went wrong with his life.

    He resents me for making him settle down and start a family, ruining his life and opportunity. But the truth is in the last decade, i constantly supported him financially and emotionally and enabled all stepping stone opportunities for his career and life. I admired his talents and would happily continue to support his ambition if he weren’t taking everything for granted ..or at the very least appreciate the compromises and support that I gave him.

    I feel much relieved now that I have decided to walk away. But time to time I would feel very upset and when I think about all the good things we had, I can’t help but feel shaken and shattered. I guess getting over a long term relationship isn’t easy considering we are still in the same house because of covid lock down.

    Can anyone be kind enough to share how to move on gracefully and how long it would take to get over this ? And also how to avoid falling back to the trap ( I kept letting him to come back over and over hoping it would change and it will get better but I realised now it won’t )

    3 people found this helpful
  2. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Mooioio
    Hi Mooioio,

    I'm really happy that you were able to take a step outside of the relationship and recognise it for what it was- emotionally abusive. That's a huge step to take.

    You really did a lot for this person and it's a shame he can't see that. When I was in councilling I said I do so many good things and the councillor replied, abusive ppl don't see what you are doing.

    Considering you were together for a long time it will also take a long time to get over it and let go. As you said there were also good times. Your grief will be unique to you. Some ppl never fully get over things but you can learn to live with them. I personally hope you do get over him quickly.

    It doesn't sound like he treated you right which could give you ammunition to get over him faster. I'd want him out of my system asap.

    To not fall into the trap of letting him back in I'd suggest writing down the negative aspects of the relationship and keep those in mind.

    A lot of people in abusive relationships stay bcas they think they will change &/ or get better but the sad reality is this rarely happens. In more cases they actually get worse.

    You wouldn't be leaving if things were good.

    Nurture yourself through the grief, surround yourself with supportive people and focus on hobbies and things you like so you have other things in your life to keep occupied.

    It's not going to be easy fully letting go but I think you are doing the right thing for you.

    Call in anytime

    💜
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Saraz
    Saraz avatar
    5 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Mooioio
    Your post could so well be describing my life right now. Thankyou for being so eloquent in your description. I am still in the relationship and have been for twice the time you have been in yours. I couldn't get out, for many reasons. Now, I am so confused and I cant stop the noise in my head. It is a constant questioning of whether I am the problem or not. "Am I overthinking things? Could I have got all this wrong? Is he actually a really good person and I just have high expectations? Am I just being unfair? No one will believe me even if I tried to tell them, because he is so popular and charming to everyone? And there is no outward damage to show. And now, he is working on building his relationship with the kids, so they may not believe me either? " ....But then, the flashbacks start - all the yelling, the abuse, the anger, the aggression, the arrogance, the emotional blackmail, the put downs, the sarcasm, criticisms, the accusations of all the wrondoing...it was and is always my fault, everything. His failure in life, his tarnished reputation, everything is my fault, eventhough in reality, I am the one who has supported him. .all the times I was left feeling like nothing more than a dirty rag, wrung dry and left to rot in the corner of the room...all the days I started to take off work, because I just had nothing left in me to do anything or function normally....the time I tried to take my life, because I could not face him another day, and also because I really believed I was wasting the space that I occupied on this earth. I survived of course. I don't know what to do anymore and i have left it till all this time, I now no longer know what is right and what is wrong. I cant concentrate on anything...everywhere I turn, it is always these thoughts that end up taking over my mind, no matter how much work I need to get through. I am always late finishing my tasks, because concentration is so impossible. I hate this situation and I do not know how to get out of it. I am afraid of what drama he will cause and how much disturbance he will create with all the people around me. And now as I write this - I am left with guilt - maybe I am doing the wrong thing even saying all this...maybe I have just got it all wrong.....may he is right and I really am the bad guy here.......
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3133 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Saraz

    Hey Saraz,

    Welcome to the forums, and thanks for reaching out to our community today. We are so sorry to hear about your situation. We understand that after so many years in this relationship it must be really difficult to know what to do. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you. 

    We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/

    If ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

    We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort here in the forums and if you feel up to it, you are also welcome to create a new thread to expand on your story, and our community will be able to offer you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
     

    4 people found this helpful
  5. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Saraz
    Hi Saraz,

    You do not deserve domestic violence and being made to feel like the bad guy. It does sound like you're overthinking things.

    They break you down, make you feel insecure, and reliant on them. Abusers are scary. I've had my fair share of abuse throughout my life. When I left such a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breath again. Walking on eggshells is now a thing of the past.

    Sorry to hear of both of your situations.

    It's so good and healthy to talk about your situations and I'm really glad you are letting us know and reaching out. As hard as that can sometimes be.

    The best thing I ever did was leave. It's not us it's them. They're the perpetrators of abuse making us feel small, chipping at our self worth, confidence and self esteem. They can make us doubt ourselves.

    There is no excuse for abuse.

    Saraz, do you know what you want to do? Do you want to leave this relationship? If you do there is a lot of support for you to make this transition. 1800 respect are an excellent starting point.
    2 people found this helpful
  6. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic
    By overthinking things I meant the constant questioning and noise in your head. Sorry, I just reread your post...hope I haven't upset you.
    2 people found this helpful
  7. Saraz
    Saraz avatar
    5 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Dear Sophie,

    Your lightning fast response and email literally brought tears to my eyes. I dont know how to thank you properly for such a compassionate show of support. It made me feel validated about what I have constantly been denying - that it is not ok to live in such a relationship. Your responses have filled me with hope and I will respond for sure. For now, I just wanted to assure you that I am ok and safe (maybe mentally spent) but physically ok. I had only thought of reaching out via your forum today out of sheer desperation and now I can see why I should have done this a long time ago. Thankyou again and again - really feeling very blessed.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Mooioio
    Mooioio avatar
    10 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Saraz

    Hey Saraz,
    How are you doing? I hope you are doing ok. Of course I understand how confusing the whole situation for you. I am also constantly back and forth in my head “Maybe I shouldn’t have done it this way, maybe I shouldn’t have said this and that …and maybe I really the one who contributed to the issues that we were having”….but do not let him put words in your thoughts.
    But really, it doesn’t matter what he tells you, there is no right or wrong in this kind of situation. And noone deserved to be treated badly, everyone deserved to be heard and felt. And if they are that charming and kind and wonderful then they should have been even kinder to you and not putting you down constantly.
    You have been more than wonderful and kind to try to understand his point of view and even taking the responsibility for what went wrong. And he is very lucky to have your support. But he does not deserve you. I know it is always easy said that done as I’ve always been on and off for a long time. I too also give people too much benefit of the doubts and hoping when he achieve this, or when I do this or if I change that it will be better…but I think you have been trying really hard so hard for such a long time as well. It’s time to think about yourself more. Please take care and reach out whenever you need too.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3133 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Saraz
    Hey Saraz,

    Thank you so much for letting us know that you're safe, and we're really glad that reaching out here has made such a positive impact. We're all here to help you through this, so please do feel free to continue reaching out and expressing your thoughts and feelings here on the forums whenever you feel up to it.
    2 people found this helpful
  10. Saraz
    Saraz avatar
    5 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thankyou to everyone who is showing me so much kind support. I am feeling very very overwhelmed and ever so lucky. I have no other words except to say, love to you all. You are all such beautiful and compassionate people.

    Thankyou.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Mooioio
    Mooioio avatar
    10 posts
    5 August 2020

    It is such an emotional roller coaster since I decided to leave the toxic relationship. Your heart can be very forgiving when all the nice memories come back and when you appreciate all the good things you had. In a way I am not angry nor sad nor depressed, just learning to let go, to reflect on what happened and to honour the relationship for what it was.

    I also came across the book “Why does he do that”” by Lundy Bancroft, and it has been quite helpful for me to understand certain things. It helps me to make sense of what happened and what we have experienced. A break from relationship is always a good time to reflect things and help you to prepare for what coming next.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Saraz
    Saraz avatar
    5 posts
    8 August 2020 in reply to Mooioio
    When your partner behaves in such a way that causes you to question relentlessly what is right, what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, it really messes with your mind. Confusion sets in and you're always questioning, always wondering. It just doesn't stop and it eats away from the inside. I can truly empathise with what you must be going through right now Mooioi and it must be very tiring and draining away all your sense of self worth. When I learned to name the situation, in my case, it somehow helped me to know that I am not the problem, but that there is a problem afflicting him. While it did not change the day to day experience of the relationship, it did help ease some of the confusion. You have been very courageous in leaving, and now you have to gradually find and regain your sense of self worth and self esteem. And you are worthy, remember that. Until that time, that inner questioning will constantly eat away at you. I hope you are getting some therapeutic help during this time, when you are most vulnerable. Take care xxoo
    2 people found this helpful
  13. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    1628 posts
    8 August 2020 in reply to Saraz

    Dearest Mooioi and Saraz (and a wave to darling monkey_magic)

    You are both in the "thick" of it right now but you are seeing and beginning to see more of the light of what's abusive.

    I've read and reread your posts... what you're describing in your partner's abusive behaviours are some of the following..
    - blame shifting
    - gaslighting
    - mind-effing (yeah its a real psychological term).
    If these aren't rationally known to yet then you can Google what's in italics and see what these mean.

    There are a more forms of DV and I'm pretty sure plenty of these would be happening to you both too. How you're feeling confused and having ruminating thoughts and flashbacks are ALL results of abuse. You need help and support to understand this and leave the abusive relationships.

    There is almost always forms of financial abuse and controlling your movements either openly or covertly (meaning you're scared to do anything because of partner's angry reaction). Also socially isolating victims and using triangulation to get to you.

    Basically it's all about CONTROL.

    Being scared of your partner is NOT normal. It's the result of abuse.

    I truly believe that abusive people are "small" people trying to exert power and control over someone they desperately need.

    You don't need them NEARLY as much as they need you. But this "need" of theirs is dysfunctional, destructive and cruel.

    I would like to think that abusive people can change but from my observations, they don't.
    They can pretend for a while... (and the "buy back phase" may make you think they can change) but the real them always resurfaces.

    This is why it can take an average of 17 times before a DV victim leaves the abusive partner for good. It took about that for me, due to the threats.

    You can live free from abuse. We are here to support you on whatever journey you take.

    Love EM

    6 people found this helpful
  14. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    8 August 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi ecomama,

    Thanks for pointing all of that out. I've been seeing an abusive psychiatrist for quite sometime now. Your descriptions have helped validate this for me. Abusers are not just in the person you wake up next to but also in the health profession. They are in all walks of life.

    It comes as quite a shock to me but what you've said describes her. And she scares me. It is an abuse of power!

    I can't wait to finally break free of her and her evil ways. Under a CTO I have to see her ( hopefully that changes soon) and my eyes and ears are open to her ways. I feel like she descriminates against me with the way she looks and talks to me. Like I'm her problem to fix with psychiatric drugs. Luckily I've been strong enough to refuse most of her drugs no matter how much she pushes them on me.
    2 people found this helpful
  15. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    1628 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Dear monkey_magic

    What a horrifying situation.
    Is CTO something to do with workplace compliance? I have no idea sorry.

    Indeed you are so right about abusive people in the MH profession, they can be anywhere.

    The thought of forcing drugs upon you is really scary. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I am SO PROUD of you being able to recognise this in her!

    I also had a Psychologist in marriage counselling that allowed herself to be a minion in the triangulation efforts of ex (a dangerous narcissistic psychopath). Mannnnn after 3y and when I realised ALL the damage she'd accentuated by her verbal and written words... I made an appt... she ended up in tears. She begged me to forgive her... I said look up and ask forgiveness. I forgave you long ago but it doesn't mean I won't report you.

    The way she treated me was pitiful and absolutely disgusting. The OPPOSITE of what a highly paid and highly trained Psychologist should be doing to her patients.

    I also had a boss for years who was so abusive that even when I wear heels and walk into a room at work, everyone sighs, scared she may have come back. I believe some of us were deeply traumatised by her.

    Threats are a signature move by abusive people.

    We go through all this but KNOWING how we can recover and go on to recognise these traits in others and RUN... is just as important as leaving the abusive partner. Without doing this we are at risk of repeating the pattern very easily.

    EM

  16. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    13229 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to Mooioio

    Hello Mooioi and Saraz, and a wave to MM and EM, my heart goes out to both of you and much has been discussed and don't have a great to add, except to say that no one should ever have to try and cope through an abusive relationship/marriage whether it's physical, emotional or both, promise after promise, present after present does not constitute a reform, a change in behaviour, because on any bad day the truth comes forward.

    You should never be ashamed, you have to look after yourself and when children are involved, their safety is paramount.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  17. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi ecomama,

    A CTO is a community treatment order. It's forced psychiatric treatment against your will in the community. The psychiatrist that slapped it on me did so as a form of power. I disagreed with his diagnosis and didn't want to take the meds so he slapped it on me.
    Well done for reporting the psychologist. I have a lot of reporting to do myself.

    I can't let these psychiatrists do this to me...and others.
    1 person found this helpful
  18. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    1628 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Dear monkey_magic

    Heavens what a thing!

    I am sending you all the love and power and strength to deal with this once and for all.

    With you all the way sister.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Saraz
    Saraz avatar
    5 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Dear Monkey-magic and Ecomama, that's just horrible about your supposed helping professionals! When we are at our most vulnerable and emotionally and mentally destroyed, we turn to our therapists or medical practitioners for support, advice and help. Not to be further abused by them. I am so sorry that you have both had such bad experiences, although reading your posts, it has validated a very bad experience I recently had with a psychologist who charged a lot and essentially told me I was shifty as I wanted my cake and eat it too. Needless to say, that was the last time I saw her.

    Thankyou so much for your supportive words Ecomama and Geoff. Ever since I wrote these posts and received all the responses, for the first time, I feel like I have given myself permission to accept that I have a real problem and that I need to get help, which is what I am now doing with a wonderful therapist. Leaving is not easy and there are hundreds of internal conversations about all the possible scenarios that might happen if and when I do finally have the courage to say "enough is enough".

    I now want to give back to all of you and am right here to provide what ever support you need. Take care and so much love and gratitude to you all.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. ecomama
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    1628 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to Saraz

    Dear Saraz

    I am so glad to hear that the forum members have helped you. That's awesome!

    Have you started your own thread? If you have please tell me where, I can't find my way around as well as you young whipper snappers lol!

    I feel really good after reading your post. I'm so happy you feel validated here.

    I'm probably giving my current psych ONE more session, she needs to pull a rabbit out of her hat for me to stay at this point, and yeah, didn't like what she said last session but I'll have to put all that on my thread.

    Love EM

  21. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to Saraz
    Your words mean a lot Ecomama. X

    Saraz,
    It's really good that you're getting some outside support with a wonderful therapist. Yep, there are some bad ones out there. I've walked out on a psychologist during a session because he was robotic, rude and just didn't care. He made me depressed.

    Keep writing if it helps and you can always start your own thread where ppl can jump on board.

    Leaving isn't easy like you said. If you need further support this place is always here 24/7.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    13229 posts
    12 August 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hello MM, EM, Sarah and everyone else, what we want is someone who we can have a discussion with, on a one on one basis, but they need to listen to what we have to say but if they 'come down on us like a ton of bricks', we close up.

    This didn't actually happen with the last psychologist but he did it another way, he told me that I don't need any AD's, nor do I need any anti-epileptic medication or even a headache tablet, and any other problem can be controlled by what I do and what I eat, shock horror.

    I upped and left after a couple of sessions, I never believed he could support me in any way possible, not along the way his thinking was all about, especially after I'd been seeing a previous psychologist for 20 years (paid for by workcover) who was terrific, unfortunately, she left.

    The purpose of each session is a guide, it doesn't follow any textbook, as such, because everyone is different and react differently to each situation.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  23. ecomama
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    1628 posts
    12 August 2020 in reply to geoff

    Dear Mooioio and Saraz

    How are you going lovelies?

    Hi MM and geoff... I'm seeing my psych tomorrow but probably for the last time.
    Geoff what was that psych ON? A power trip? No way should a psychologist be telling you whether you need ANY medications and for epilepsy too? That's crazy.

    If YOU were asking whether you needed the meds or not, the most responsible thing the psych could do is redirect you to your GP... what on earth.

    They come in all shapes and sizes.... I must talk about an amazing psych who contacted me last night after I emailed her. I was reaching out for my youngest D. She was so kind, so beautiful, so understanding.
    EXACTLY how we expect a psychologist to be.

    Mooioio and Saraz, if you don't click with a psych or they say damaging things to you (as opposed to enlightening things) leave. Those of us who've experienced abuse often STAY with abusive professionals thinking they know what they're doing. And they're doing the right thing for us.
    NOT necessarily.

    Follow your instincts.

    Love EM

  24. geoff
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    13229 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM, I don't know, but he was in the next room to my GP and when he asked how did I find the new psychologist, I told him exactly what the psych said and was horrified then wanted to know whether or not he could refer me to another psych.

    I did ask the psych if he had seen someone have a Grand Mal seizure (which is what I have but medicated) he hadn't, nor has he had an operation, so the time with him was very short.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  25. ecomama
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    13 August 2020 in reply to geoff

    Well Geoff I'm glad you didn't take medical advice from that psych! I get unstuck when I think about the people who DO take such crazy advice. I can't think about it for too long because I feel so depressed about it. The stories I've heard from just my circle of friends... Most of them received good advice and ongoing support for milder MH issues but then when the issues are complex, or involve different medications or the extreme issues - that's when the stories are pretty horrible.

    I'm sorry you went through this Geoff. I'm glad you exited promptly and kept searching.

    Thankyou for your support on the forums. You are a guiding light that pours kindness out in so many forms for us. I love that you're here.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  26. geoff
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    13229 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM, thank you so much for your lovely reply, I really do appreciate it.

    If he had said any of this to someone who wasn't in a position to protect themselves or wasn't able to explain their situation, then I worry so much for them.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    36 posts
    31 August 2020 in reply to Mooioio

    Hi Mooioio

    How are you going after making the decision to separate? How did your partner take it?

    I'm at the crossroads and reading both yours and Saraz posts I feel I'm in the same boat.

  28. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    36 posts
    31 August 2020 in reply to Saraz

    Hi Saraz,

    I just wanted to say I feel the same as you. In a marriage I can't see the light in and constantly being the one causing issues, making him angry and the brunt of all the fights.

    I have so many flash backs to all the bad things and wonder why I'm still here and how I can be so stupid. Then things are ok for a little while and then I think I'm being unreasonable and not supporting his mental illness. I feel selfish for thinking that I need a life too and that my life has to be his life. I'm so controlled that I can't even go for a coffee with a friend because it triggers his anxiety. So it's easier to not go. But he says I am free to do what I want... just as long as it's nothing silly that will trigger his anxiety - which is anything where you have a .001% chance of getting a cold or flu. But if I do anything like that I'm not respecting his issues and his illness.

    I too have supported his careers, written job applications and resumes and been the glue holding everything together and I read a comment on this thread that hit home... they keep us around because they need us to validate them. I am only here because I don't want to break up a family and don't want to anger him because he won't take a break up well. It will be messy.

    Sorry to spill my thoughts... I just read this and was so upset but also validated. I just don't know how to get out with the least damage to everyone and to not be the bad person who is walking out on someone with a MI.

    How are you doing now?

    1 person found this helpful
  29. ecomama
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    31 August 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi emotionallydrained.... welcome... I think mooioio is not as active here as at first.

    Please continue to post here.... it sounds like you're in a very tough situation!

    Have you started your own thread for us to read more and for you to really open up?

    Try to take care of yourself.
    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Lostinthisworld
    Lostinthisworld avatar
    3 posts
    31 August 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi everyone in this thread and those reading
    Thanks for sharing your stories, my heart really broke for you all hearing the abuse from mental health support as well as ur partners.

    I want to introduce myself so my question has context

    I'm male, 35 and neurotypical

    For those that don't know in simple terms I'm autistic.

    I was diagnosed as an adult , and it was hard but also kinda like ... Oh well that makes sense moment

    If U met me U wouldn't think I'm autistic, just an arsehole as I'm also an extravert

    Small talk makes me uncomfortable, I don't really understand the social dance of interaction, the expectations of friendship or even have the ability to gauge ppls reactions and feelings.

    I am a kind person but mostly when I try and be nice to ppl it comes off agressive or weird and ppl get angry at me for not caring about them

    Naturally I don't have any friends


    I recently also discovered that I'm very good looking, top 90 percentile, movie star handsome. Of course this is meaningless to me, just that my face is symmetrical, I'm not fat and have features that are in fashion this century really .

    So giving U this background to set the scene for my relationshit (lol)

    I am in a relationship with a Woman who is financially, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and we have 2 kids

    She has a dvo on me from the time I stopped her when she picked up a frying pan , yes what I did was wrong I panicked

    The judge put in orders prohibiting me from contact with her or kids, 100m from the house ect

    Unless she gives me written consent , which she gives and takes back depending on if I do what I'm told

    Now days I have a shelf in the laundry where I keep my clothes

    I do all the cleaning and cooking and washing , I care for our children and pay half the rent as well as most of the children's stuff.

    If I don't have the kitchen cleaned when she wakes up I get yelled at, I can take the abuse but I worry for my children being exposed to it and when it gets too bad I sleep in my car
    I'm expected to do everything it seems but when she talks about me to myself, her friends or family she describes an abusive man who makes her do everything around the house and runs off on her whenever it gets hard ,

    I really need to save myself but I can't leave my kids, i.love them too much

    Today child support called me as she has made a claim for full child support as well as making me pay for almost everything

    Apparently I don't live at the house and so need to pay her for looking after the kids

    When I spoke to her about it I got the usual abuse and told I'm unreliable so she had to ect ect


    I really don't know what to do, I hope that some of U wonderful ppl here may have more experience and offer some suggestions for me too?

    I'm so financially broken and in debt from all this I don't even have a phone that works or any ability to get a place that would be suitable for my children on my income


    3 weeks ago I was walking out the door to start a new job and she fired up about how she needs support and blah blah blah

    I don't show up for work
    I have no job


    sorry if I'm thread jacking I couldn't find a space that felt safe to share my story


    My main questions are

    How do I get out?
    What about the kids?


     

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