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Topic: having depression, quiting grog for good and dealing with my marrage falling apart

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rodman316
    Rodman316 avatar
    7 posts
    10 September 2019
    I have suffered depression for as long as I can remember, it comes and goes but when it hits its chaos. I recently got put on antidepresents. My wife gave me a choice of either her or the grog. At this point I was sober for nearly 3 weeks. I froze and couldnt even answer. She packed and left yesterday. Ive only just been able to admit to myself im an alcoholic. Giving up cold turkey has been so hard. I crave to drink. I have used it as a coping mechanism for most of my life. I want to have my family back. Thats my goal. The only problem is now she doesnt believe that I will change. Im trying to getus counceling, I see a gp often, visit mental health regularly and see a psychologist. I ended up at hospital on suicide watch last night because I cant handle the pain. We are married and been together for 12 years. I have never loved someone so much. It breaks my heart the things I have said out of anger and frustration. She is my world. I cant stop crying andhate myself for not answeting her question. At the moment the only thing keeping me going is that she hasnt said im wasting my time. Im scared and dont know how or what to think. My head never shuts up and I bsrely sleep. Thank youfor your time
    1 person found this helpful
  2. brokenheartedandlost
    brokenheartedandlost avatar
    11 posts
    10 September 2019 in reply to Rodman316

    G’day mate,

    sorry to hear about all the issues you have at the moment but admitting your problem and seeking help is a huge step. You can’t help other people unless you can help yourself.

    im recently separated from my wife, her decision. Together 13 years married for 8.

    She has a drinking problem but won’t admit it and doesn’t want to get help for her undiagnosed depression or drinking. It’s such a big part of her life and her family culture(drinking), I’m sure the stress of not having it would be enormous.

    We have had a few issues but I feel nothing that can’t be repaired but she is stuck in this black hole and can’t see passed this hard time.

    having seen alcoholism first hand it’s difficult because I feel I can’t help my wife, only the bottle can. I tired to help in my way and not put my stresses on her but she felt I was shutting her out and became increasing hostile towards me. Thought I was doing the right thing, I just didn’t want to add to her stress.

    Turns out she she felt I was shutting her out of my life, I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with that because she has been my world for the last 13 years and I was just trying to help.

    Just keep focused on what you want and remember drinking only brings temporary relief.

    Drinking is the worst drug out there, it’s readily available, is ingrained in our culture and causes more issues than any other drugs combined. Your stronger than that, it will be tough but I feel like you’ve got this mate.

    I just need to know someone can get passed it, so I can have some hope for my wife and our relationship. I feel like I’m loosing my grip on the world every moment.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    12882 posts
    10 September 2019 in reply to Rodman316

    Hello Rodman, I feel for you as you're put in a difficult situation, one that I know all about.

    A warm welcome to the forums and thank you so much for posting your comment and Iknow that it's not that easy to decide to open up to people you don't even know, but then again, that may make it a bit easier.

    Admitting to yourself that you're an alcoholic is a brave decision, but don't forget those who attend AA and haven't had a drink for 25 years still call themselves an alcoholic, something people may agree on, but I don't.

    To use it as a coping mechanism was how I used it as well and it was the grog or her, I lost as she divorced me, so I appreciate how you are feeling.

    I'm sorry because my ex didn't understand why I was still depressed after having counselling for so long, but a controlling partner is someone who berates everyone or constantly makes overt threats or ultimatums and in doing so, only makes the situation worse.

    Don't feel guilty for not being able to answer her, how can you, and you can't say what she wants to hear because is she going to believe you, my ex didn't and it's just that she didn't understand the circumstances.

    It's disappointing that people may use a whole list of ways to dominate their partners and although they may not want to, but they strip you of your support network, and thus your strength so that you will be less likely or able to stand up against them whenever want to, unfortunately, that happened to me, although deep down I loved her so much.

    To be sober for 3 weeks is such an enormous task, and I really to hear back from you, there's much more I'd like to talk about.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Rodman316
    Rodman316 avatar
    7 posts
    10 September 2019
    Thanks Broken and Geoff, sorry to hear about your life events. Life can be cruel. I think the thing that annoys me mostbis that not even a week ago she said she loved me. I was sober for over 2 weeks at the time, yet she still left. I tried to talk to her last night before I found this site. I dont think I have any chsnce of fixing us. As much as I want to. She drinks when things grt tough too so its hard to talk without it ending in a fight. But we were happy for most of our life together. Between losing her, trying to get sober, and the twenty things from my past that keep sending me off the rails im barely holding it together. I spent saturday night at the hospital because of my thaughts to end it all. I crave a drink all day and the one person who I always thaught would be there now isnt. I have no idea how to let go of my past. I have no connection with my side of the family because of the lies I was fed. My ex partner is staying with our closest friends. So indont see them now, they are supporting her and I feel uncomfortabe in wanting to go there. I basically have 2 people I can ring or text. One is hours away and the other is really busy with his business. I have now the stress of finding a place to live so the family can return to our home. Ive never felt so alone in my life. Id kill for a nights sleep ive managed about 2 hours a night in the last 4 days. I feel like a fool for holding on to the idea we can fix things. Its about all I have to hang onto and keep me motivated to try. Another day awaits
    1 person found this helpful
  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    12882 posts
    10 September 2019 in reply to Rodman316

    Hi Rodman and Broken, can I ask you a question, and please only answer if you want to, did she visit you when you were in the hospital on suicide watch.

    I also want to say that even though our marriage was 25 years long, I now am able to only drink socially, nothing like I used to and we still see each other as well as talk and how we talk, nothing has changed, in other words, we still have a joke etc and alcohol isn't spoken about.

    The only person you want isn't available, unfortunately, the past doesn't concern her anymore and she doesn't know why alcohol is required to fill an empty void, just like my ex, there were problems with her brother, a bankrupt solicitor who we lent money to and told me to forget about it, but it didn't go away.

    There is some medication the doctor can prescribe to you to stop the craving, but it will only work on those who want to stop.

    I'll be here on and off but will definitely get back to you.

    Geoff.

  6. brokenheartedandlost
    brokenheartedandlost avatar
    11 posts
    10 September 2019 in reply to Rodman316

    Rodman,

    This has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do, as I bet this situation is for you as well.

    The biggest hurdle I’ve had to get over has been to accept that, at this moment, the only thing I can try to control is me.

    It has meant putting myself in (temporary) uncomfortable situations to give myself the best chance at healing.

    I don’t know what will happen between my wife and I but I know I am no use to either of us in my condition.

    So I need to work on me right now. It’s been so hard for me to accept that, as I am a person who does a lot for other people.

    Maybe just focus on one small portion of your issues first. It’s all too overwhelming when viewed as a whole. Break it down and I’m sure you’ll find small goals you can manage.

    Knock a few of them off your list and your well on your way to a bigger picture.

    Please take care, there’s some really great people on here who you can talk to as well.

    Broken

    1 person found this helpful
  7. brokenheartedandlost
    brokenheartedandlost avatar
    11 posts
    13 September 2019 in reply to brokenheartedandlost

    Morning Rodman,

    just St wanted to check in how your doing?

    I hope things are clearer for you and your feeing a little better about things.

    if you need to talk I’m here to help where I can mate.

    We had a massive frost last night but the suns coming up and it’s gonna be a pretty rad day.

    Broken

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Rodman316
    Rodman316 avatar
    7 posts
    11 January 2020 in reply to geoff
    Been a while since I've been on. Been a rough few months. Was at ward 9 for a bit then had 4 weeks at another facility. My marriage is still in tatters. Have been sober for four months. Thou I'm craving hard atm. A lot has gone on and I'm finding it hard to live this this grog free life with my mental health and family problems
  9. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    12882 posts
    11 January 2020 in reply to Rodman316

    Hello Rodman, pleased to see you are back, but under better circumstances.

    I know from your comment that there is so much pain that is impossible to explain unless you have been through this yourself, which many may have including myself, and feel definitely sorry for being in this particular position.

    It's not an easy decision to decide between being addicted to drinking or to try and sort out any problems in your marriage, because if one doesn't work then the other dominants and hat's when the alcohol becomes a problem.

    Being sober for 4 months is great, however, it's not so good if you are wanting to drink and your spouse realises this and says that you can't be trusted because you may only start this addiction once again, and this only exacerbates your desire to drink once again.

    Your doctor can prescribe medication that will stop the urge to drink but there seems to much more concerned that you want to talk about and have been in your situation before and there are many issues that are involved all of which need help with, so it would be terrific if you can get back to us.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

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