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Topic: Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

  1. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi emotionally drained... I finally found you.

    I've read all the posts here and it is without a shred of doubt I say it's blatantly obvious you are in a Domestic Violence situation.

    You can phone 1800RESPECT and there are brilliant Counsellors and Psychologists who can support you, please I urge you to call them. If you give them your name they can keep notes and then it's easier for them to take the next step in supporting you the next time you call.
    I think I've called them about 30 times, maybe more.

    Please understand that the events you are describing may show up red flags for your son being exposed to Family Violence and authorities take this very seriously. Therefore you can block your number when you call a helpline and not give your name.

    I'm out of the dv situation now.

    You can Google any of the following in italics, or anything else:
    * the Cycle of Violence
    * gaslighting
    * blame shifting
    * Social isolation
    * Family isolation
    * controlling behaviours of abusers
    * rug sweeping

    Then there's behaviours of victims of abuse:
    * taking full responsibility for abuser's behaviours
    * constantly apologising
    * confusion
    * acquiescence
    * bending over backwards in efforts to please the abuser
    * thinking you're going crazy (you're not btw)
    * walking on egg shells
    * avoidance (of normal activities in efforts to prevent an outburst from abuser - it doesn't work btw they just keep tightening the reigns)

    It's clear H is an abuser.
    Underlying "phobias" are separate altogether.
    I'm confident in saying there are more MHIs or personality disorders going on for H.
    NOT your fault.

    When son is ill, I would isolate myself from H and stay with son.
    Or suggest H isolates himself from you both so you can care for son.

    Knowing your thread is entitled 'help I need to separate from my h..'

    When H packs your bags does he envisage you taking son with you?
    Or is it under threat that son will stay with him?
    Do you have a mortgage together?

    Victorians will not be in lock down forever I Pray.... I know your parents and family can't help you atm but they will be able to one day.

    In the meantime you can get your ducks in a row and work out a plan.

    I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to Juliet_84

    Thank you Juliet.

    It is so hard when he thinks he's doing right by me and trying to protect me and my child. He can't understand why it bothers me so much that I can't go to the supermarket or spend a day shopping with my Mum. He's like why do you want to go to the shops when you can shop online and it's easier? I can't explain it really... something about wondering around and seeing things, speaking to a stranger just to say how's your day or spending the day with my Mum trying on a dress. It's silly, but strangely things I enjoy because I feel free.

    I have emotionally distanced myself by default I think. I used to cry so much on my own in the shower or late at night, but lately I've withdrawn even more. I feel numb most days or lately just anxious about how all this will end or play out. I used to be such a bubbly happy person, but I am honestly a shell of who I used to be. My face must have the always angry look because he always says what's wrong or why you pulling that face. Oops!

    I can't really do much that's just me because I'm limited on the "safe" things I can do. And in this current environment where the Govt are limiting life for you, it's even harder. I can't just go for a coffee with a friend (I don't really have any friends where we live - we moved states for a fresh start and all my family and friends are in another state) so it's hard to do that. I don't venture out much except for school pick up or Bunnings trips. We got fishing in the summer holidays, but I don't really like fishing that much. He and my child do, so I go along because it makes them happy and it's family time in the sun.

    Last time I picked where we went for a family outing I picked a beach about an hour from where we live. I like the beach, but in the car on the way there I got asked why we were going so far and why did I pick this place to go to when we could have gone closer or a beach he liked. The tension just built and it wasn't really a good relaxing time. I just like going for drives and exploring places, but in the car tensions always rise. I always seem to do something "dumb" like not brake quick enough or something that I get told off for.

    Sorry, this sounds so silly doesn't it? Every time I come to write on here I remember something else - little things that I wish weren't there.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    4854 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained
    Hi there - i don't judge you at all for how long you stay , but i know I judge myself also - it took me a long time as well to understand how things operate. For me I think it's like - there was no alternative voice to challenge his (abusive) opinions. So I just got sucked in to them. And then I started calling Lifeline. And I heard a different perspective. And I started thinking I wasn't imagining things, and that maybe he was not as correct as he told me he was... yes it's all very painful. It takes time.

    Don't worry about when your time for help/recovery comes. It's not so easy. I believe you, for what it's worth, and I hear you.

    Stay strong.
    3 people found this helpful
  4. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thanks Sophie, I definitely have a boundaries issue. I'm very accommodating to others and always drop what I'm doing to help them. Certainly something I can work on. :)
    1 person found this helpful
  5. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    Thank you, I'm glad you found me! Yes, there's lots going on and I didn't even realise how much until I started talking. I did cal 188respect last week and spoke to them so I will certainly be using them as a guide and to help me.

    My child is definitely not in any danger, they are well loved by both parents and H is a good dad. It's just the issues arise when challenged.

    That's a great idea about saying he isolates instead of the other way around.

    I'm not sure any thought goes into the threats, they are more just words in the heat of the moment I'm sure. Yes, we have a mortgage.

    I am just trying to work out what I do, how I fix this or what the answer is.

    Thanks again. :)

    1 person found this helpful
  6. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    1 September 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Thanks Sleepy21.

    Can I ask, have you left your relationship or still there? How did it play out for you?

    I'm scared of the flow on effect which is probably why I've also let the cycle continue.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. samsara11
    samsara11 avatar
    4 posts
    4 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    I'm sorry you have been living like this. I know leaving a marriage seems like a big thing, but you need to do it for yourself and your child. People leave marriages and get divorced all the time (I did, it's not that big a deal, you made vows but why live in misery for the sake of a vow? he vowed to make you happy and put you first but he doesn't feel bad about breaking that vow does he?). Abuse is abuse. You and your child will be much happier without this person, and you only have one life to live. I always ask myself, when I'm on my deathbed will I say "I'm so glad I stayed with this person, it was worth wasting my life just because i felt bad about leaving him."?

    This is the start of working on your self love and boundaries, when you leave you can continue that work a lot easier.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    4 September 2020 in reply to samsara11
    Hi emotionallydrained,

    We can hear that this situation is still taking a lot out of you, and we just want to state that although it has been great that so many members have been reaching out to give their support and advice, it is imporant for us to recognise the fact that it is never easy to leave an abusive relationship, and that on average it takes women multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship because of all these factors you've raised above. 

    People are not weak for staying in abusive relationships, and leaving an abusive relationship is fraught with many complications and barriers that we can do our best to help you navigate. Ultimately, as the person who is actually experiencing this, you are the absolute best person and authority to know what is best or safe for you to do, and what you need to move forward whether you feel ready to leave right now or not.

    Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria has a page of stories from women who have left abusive relationships, and you might find it helpful to read about the experiences of women who have been through something similar, and it might be helpful to consider talking to someone like a domestic violence counsellor, or even just a counsellor in general to try and sort out all these conflicting feelings. Our counsellors on our Support Service are always happy to provide some mental health information and referrals at 1300 22 4636, and you can also find a list of domestic abuse services by state in the DVRC directory

    This should be a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to be able to freely talk about what you are going through, emotionallydrained, so please know that we are here to do whatever we can to support you.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. ecomama
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    4 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Dear emotionallydrained

    Who's idea was it to move interstate to "start afresh"?

    This is also a red flag to isolate you away from family and friends.
    To gain more control.

    Abusers don't have to think about what they do. It comes naturally to them.

    I know you said you have to decide what to do, and you do each day.
    Sophie_M pointed out that it can take a number of attempts to leave before a DV Victim leaves for good.... I understand the National average to be around 17 attempts. Some more some less.
    Who knows how those stats are calculated... I doubt women who didn't survive are counted there.

    I think you've been very smart joining BB and congratulations on calling 1800RESPECT, they are so wonderful. It's a huge step even admitting there's something amiss.... you've done SO well.

    There is also Women's Legal Service who are BRILLIANT. You can ask any and all questions about where you stand re: Parenting and Property with a free Family Lawyer. No strings attached, just like 1800RESPECT.

    I can guess H makes it quite clear you cannot take your son when he packs your bags.
    This is a threat and using your son to manipulate you.

    If you aren't already, try to become financially independent of H. Some people study, I knew a lady who studied Family Law, became a Family Lawyer then left. Well done her.
    Maybe H would not let you study out of the home, there are plenty of online Courses you could do.

    Anyway how are you doing now?


  10. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    7 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    Thank you for your support.

    In answer to your question, it was a joint decision to leave. We both wanted out of where we were due to increase in home invasions etc. but the location was secondary. I was looking at a town in the same state but the thought to move further north was appealing. I thought putting space between H and my family would eradicate a few issues there and ease tensions as my family are close so this was also a cause of tension and arguments. In the early days he used to say I was in their pocket too much and I had to break away. I was always independent and never financially reliant but I did always go to family functions and visit and genuinely enjoyed my family's company. He seemed to at first as well but then an issue made it uncomfortable and it all changed. They had to call before coming over and then if he didn't feel like visitors I had to lie and say we were busy. They're hands on, but not the controlling types. They are just caring parents. I guess writing this in a way I had to choose between my loyalty to my husband or my family. I was told he was my new family and our little family came first.

    How am I doing now? It's strange, I'm back in the limbo zone where things are ok. He's relaxed, not overly stressed at the moment and our home projects are coming along finally. When it's like this I do think it'll be ok but things are in a holding pattern a little. The things that usually challenge like visitors aren't happening because of covid and our child is well at the moment.

    But I know there's long term effects happening and I can't keep them up. I'm still very guarded and protective of my heart now. He's commented I seem distant and being moody. It's hard to be happy because then I feel like I'm betraying myself or being happy will make me forget what's happened. As a Christian though, it's hard not to try to forgive and forget. But missing important family milestone's was the tipping point. No reason is reason enough and I would have never said no to any family event of his. If he chose not to go then that was on him, but it was never because I said no.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. ecomama
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    7 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Dear emotionallydrained

    Thankyou for popping back to let us know how things are going....

    It's hard.

    I can hear you wearing down in the post above.
    Your family is very important to you and that's GOOD.
    You show that your own family is priority but extended family are important too.

    It's going to have to come out that certain things need to change for you to move forward and be happy in the marriage.

    Is your H also Christian?
    From my POV "forgiving" is a very Christian value but not forgetting.

    It's not healthy to have things building up... we can forgive and it's VERY healthy for us to do so, it's not so with forgetting. It's important to remember. Some things can never be forgotten.

    Remember there are always the helplines to call for you.
    You are important and your voice is not heard in that marriage.
    Your extended family relationships should be honoured also.

    Do you attend Church?
    Are you allowed to go to Church events?

    I remember those days, it's really hard. But I will never say separating and Divorcing is "easy" either. Esp with the palaver of Family Law nowadays. It's a minefield.

    Finding ways of "managing" and getting something that resembles a voice and more equal standing in the marriage will be very important.

    I know it wouldn't be easy upsetting the apple cart at the moment.
    But if next time H asked why you look so glum, you may be able to share a point?
    Choosing your battles!

    Thinking of you.

  12. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    Thank you. I do feel at a cross roads but I've felt that for a while.

    H was raised Catholic but he's not a practicing one or even exhibiting values of being Christian. No I don't go to Church, I haven't for a long time. I'm just a silent Christian I guess you could say.

    I do have a say on things, but if it's something that challenges him or challenges his MH Issues then I get reminded how I'm not being supportive or he gets angry that I want to do something that could put me at risk of getting sick. I got out of the car at school pick up a few weeks back and was asked why I did that when there is a pick up zone. It was a nice day and the pick up zone was full so thought I'd walk the 200m to the gate. But that was putting myself at risk and I got questioned why I did that. When the apple cart is smooth then it's ok. He's all good. But if I ask to go to a night out with school Mums when I get asked, I get met with no not this time or excuses like "it's cold at the moment", "it's cold/flu season", "maybe next time" or my favourite, "I don't go out with friends". I don't really have any good friends since moving because everyone is more an acquaintance or FB friend. I've been told by people not to ask and just say I'm going, but I still get met with the same reactions of why did you do that, what am I supposed to do then, or worse, a feeling of just doing what I want with no regard for how he might feel or how it affects his anxiety etc.

    Right now just writing all this he would think I am complaining about him. He says that to me randomly now - "oh I bet you don't go and tell that to your 'friend'" when I do something that has angered him. I mistakenly told him I'd been talking to my friend in another state about some things. Now I feel guilty talking to my best friend about things because I feel I'm betraying. If I bring up my feelings I get asked why am I trying to cause trouble or trying to cause a fight. So I've bottled it up now and resort to venting to my BF and now here.


    1 person found this helpful
  13. ecomama
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    8 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Awww emotionallydrained, it's really horrible. Big hugs.

    H is really using anything and everything to keep you walking on egg shells and socially isolated from any potential friends and known family.

    It's far too much.

    I can't put it down to his health or MH issues - they are simply actions abusers do.

    What can you do?

    That's a biggie.... can you book Marriage Counselling?
    They do this via Zoom so H can't complain about that lol!

    It's just not SAFE for you to bring anything up and that's not right.

    H is a bully.

    When Detectives and Police were here interviewing us a few times, the female Detective said "Do you have any questions?" and we said no. This happened all the time.

    Then on her last visit here, she said "You are really the family of no questions. This shows evidence of long term abuse".... I was shocked. I had done ALL the Courses I could by that stage on DV and FV....

    apparently when abusers use "coercive control" over a long period.... then we stop asking anything.

    The normal thing is not having to "ask" at all.
    Your friends are correct. We can just tell our partners we are doing such and such... that IS normal...

    then there's those of us who are victims of DV.
    Too afraid of upsetting H.
    Too afraid of doing anything wrong - because even when we do everything right, there's always something wrong with that too... we become overladen with responsibility for THEIR reactions.

    And this isn't normal, nor correct, nor right.

    I lived with this for nearly 20y (and more). It gave me PTSD and anxiety and depression.
    That's so sad for my kids to have witnessed. They experienced horrors that came out in Court.

    I couldn't have ended the marriage any earlier due to FL and kid's ages. But I did in the end and am SO glad I did.

    I'm also a Christian (my own form of Christian too lol). I Pray ALOT. I have a Church and seldom go because of the children's things. But I have connections there and am grateful for those friendships.

    I hope you can find a way to stand up for yourself and your son when he's unwell.

    Love EM

  14. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Thank you so much for your continued support EM. I really appreciate it. :)

    If you don't mind me asking (and you don't have to answer if you don't want to) how did your relationship finally end? I'm struggling with coming to terms with the potential ending and if it's the right thing and how it'll all play out. I know there is no crystal ball, I just wish there was a right answer.

    I struggle the most with the inconsistencies and fluctuations in events. Most the time it's ok or seems to be ok (but it's still really not, it's maybe more just manageable) and I feel like I'm overreacting. Then an incident will happen or something triggers the same behaviour that upsets me and it all comes back again. He gave me an out last year when we had an argument and he stormed in and said he wanted a divorce and tell him why we shouldn't. I mounted a case and here we are. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and change my answer. I probably would have made it to my mum's 60th a few weeks after that instead of missing out. Now it's going to be me that's the bad guy or the one carrying the burden. I guess I just wasn't ready or too scared.

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  15. ecomama
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    9 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    I would answer anything you ask but for exposure of who I really am.

    You wouldn't believe me if I told you! lol...

    I stayed and stayed. It was a horrible "existence". ex was extremely demanding & abusive and I can't go into all the minute details but it was bl**dy awful.

    Then "something" came out.
    I kicked him out but he kept coming back and in the end used Police to gain entry even.

    I ended up securing half of the house for me and the kids.

    It took around 6y in 5 different Courts to finally be rid of him, forever I had hoped. (Not so. He still does stuff but outside the CCTV cameras Victim's Services put in for us).

    ex is a psychopath - coined by Police and known by my Legals too.

    I think H there is an abuser - clearly he is. Whether he has Narc traits or not IDK.

    The thing is we CAN'T know how things will play out.

    We have to jump into the abyss and go for it. But I wished I'd known as much as I know now way back at first meeting lol! I tried to kick him out of MY house a number of times...

    anyway I digress.

    I changed the locks on my half of the house. After a year of me trying to negotiate a Parenting Plan and house changeover (MY house which he got his name onto)... ex was WEIRD and slimy and I got sick after he ate here (I worked out later he was poisoning me)...
    ex sent a barrage of Lawyer's letters which I ignored... was preparing to answer but he stepped in and ended that. I refused any reconciliation.
    I gave up and went No Contact. Withheld the children because FACS told me to. I was terrified but did it.

    About 2y later ex lodged in Family Law Court. ex ONLY wanted money but pretended to want the kids too - in the end ex consented to my Proposed Orders and I got the kids 100% and with years of all my paperwork gathering (he had destroyed everything)... I slammed ex and gave it a pittance. Around $70k in legals and I starved to pay them.

    There were other Courts too but this would reveal my ID.

    Indeed ex had been vilifying me for DECADES and even had my own adult children from a previous marriage turn against me. All my family too. Most of my "friends".

    My strongest recommendation is for you to speak with the free Women's Legal Services.

    I am happy to talk more about your situation and mine if it will help!

    You don't need "a reason" to end a marriage. No fault divorce we fought for. You have plenty of reasons.


    1 person found this helpful
  16. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    17 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    Thank you for sharing. Sorry it has taken me a while to reply. I've been worried about coming back to my post as things are ok at the moment. When I say ok, no arguments, relatively peaceful and nothing to cause stress and tension. So I'm again in the stage where I'm doubting myself and regretting having these thoughts. I have anxiety everyday that I'm being deceitful and betraying. I always live with some form of guilt - whether it be upsetting a family member or upsetting him.

    But even though things are calm, I'm still not happy. And that's how I know I've finally been broken. Other times I've gone back to happy or had something to look forward to, but I've been so much more depressed this year and the events of last year broke me. I just wish I was strong enough and felt this way last year when I had the chance. Now I just have to wait and see how things play out. Not having any family or friend support close by is really hurting me as well. These border closures could not be at a worse time because I literally feel alone.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. ecomama
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    17 September 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's pretty obvious to me why you're feeling depressed.
    It's no wonder really.

    I understand your feelings of deceit, but the truth is you can't share these thoughts with H AT ALL because you know what happens. So what can you do?

    I think you need to suggest marriage counselling to H.

    I'm sure you don't want to get more depressed!

    You NEED to be able to live a "normal" life.

    You can see you GP and discuss these issues. I'd just hate anti-depressants to be prescribed without you having the opportunity to seek Counselling and the situation not improve for you.

    What do you think?

  18. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    7 October 2020

    It's been a few weeks and things have been ok except for a small incident on the weekend where we were putting a bike together and I was meant to be holding the handle bars and they fell and they dented. He said you had one job and then proceeded to tell me how I'd go and claim DV to my friends if he had a go at me but not mention that I did the wrong thing in the first place. I have tried to talk to him previously about our situation (very small amount) and that I had been speaking to my best friend, now it comes up in arguments and the claiming DV. :(

    Anyway, I was in the wrong there and accepted that and owned up to not holding the bars when I should have been. But the responses afterwards are what get to me. After about 5 mins it was ok again and we got the bike built.

    Apart from that, we've had a nice coupe of weeks for school holidays going on day trips and that's always when I think things will be ok and I'm overreacting. Then a small thing like the bike happens and it reminds me all over again.

    I've been feeling more depressed lately - mostly because things have been better (not perfect, but bearable) and it makes me feel worse. Today was a low day. I'm feeling the pressure with my work and as I work for myself, there is no one to do the work but me. I log on late at night to work when everyone else is in bed and by then I'm exhausted and can't focus. I have 5 hours a day to myself during school/work hours but I'm finding I'm spending half of it just catching up on housework, washing, cleaning, cooking and just all the Mum/wife jobs. When everyone is home it's hard to work because I'm always doing something for someone. My husband doesn't like to wonder in the kitchen so I'm getting food, snacks, drinks etc. and it's tiring. I'm tired of being the one who does everything from cook, clean, drive places, help build bikes when no one is there to help me. I have to sit in my quiet time and try and catch up on work and keep my customers happy. I feel I'm failing at that at the moment too. I've put on weight from depression eating which is making me even more depressed. Even if I say I have work to do I get the "it's just 30 minutes of your time that I need" which always seems to turn into an afternoon.

    Then tonight, I snapped at my husband for a really silly reason and now he's not talking to me except for short responses to my questions. He's the be grieved. I always do this. I always become the perpetrator.

    Anyway, I just wanted to vent :)

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Guest_1643
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    7 October 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    hey there

    that sounds really difficult and confusing for you about the status of your relationship

    Some people use their sense of being aggrieved as a weapon -

    i think it would be very painful to receive such strong reactions from someone you live with and also for DV to be spoken about like that - DV is real, and it seems like he's making light of it a bit.

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  20. ecomama
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    7 October 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Vent away. We're always here.

    I think you're being worn down with unhappiness and discontent.

    Even receiving the silent treatment is a form of control. Passive aggressive behaviour it can be termed.

    H seems really good at getting his way.

    Now wonder you're exhausted.

    Maybe you can do a "Division of Chores" list with H. Or FOR H.
    Are the Libraries open for using computers there?
    That's what I had to do when in similar situation.
    I would book 3 different computers and try to smash it all out.


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  21. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    21 November 2020 in reply to ecomama

    I don't even know where to start. I'm so low right now. I try and pick myself up but every time is getting harder and harder. I've mentioned before how lately I've been struggling with my business and working and keeping people happy. I failed yesterday and lost a customer and a lot of money just before Christmas. Money I couldn't afford to lose as a self employed person. Money for our family. The customer berated me first before saying how I'd let them down. I actually hadn't in this case and what they claimed was outside the scope of my services, but anyway, it's all mute now - not looking for business advice. My husband "helped" me with the situation as I spoke to him about it for advice as well as I guess seeking a little reassurance or just calming words as I was gutted, angry and disappointed. I was also upset because so much has been building and as you know, I've struggled a lot the last 18 months.

    I got the help I needed on what to say to this person but I also got the don't cry it doesn't solve anything and it's not very adult. And I also got how I need to streamline processes more and not let this happen. Ok, that's all fine too - I know I need to do that. But what I didn't get was a hug, a comment to say it'll be ok or even a reassurance you're doing a great job don't let someone like this beat you down. Am I asking too much? Am I honestly being a sook or expecting too much? I know I was partly to blame, but I didn't need to be told that at that moment.

    I read a post about the difference between feeling tired as a healthy person and feeling tired as a person with depression. I met all the tired as a depressed person. I sleep and it's never enough. I could sleep more. Everything is a struggle, a fog and I honestly don't remember the last time I had a clear mind or was able to function like I used to.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    21 November 2020

    Is depression the same as being a toxic person? I was compared to a toxic person today because I'm never happy, I cause arguments and don't take feedback on board. In my mind there's only so much feedback you can take on board before you feel a little attacked and go into defence mode. I know I'm in defence mode and I know I'm probably showing the traits of a toxic person. How do you pick yourself up when you know there's no one close to you to give you a hug and tell you it'll be ok. I've said so many times I'm struggling, but nothing comes back except more things to do to "fix" my problems. I don't need more things to do, I need a break from life so I can get the energy and mindset to do said things. How do I do that?
    2 people found this helpful
  23. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    21 November 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Yeah a difficult situation.

    Here's the HUG and it will be okay.

    No, you know you're not a toxic person. But you also know you're under alot of pressure to BE perfect (from H) - which is impossible. Also to not react as any human being would when losing a customer.

    You ARE allowed to act normally.

    H is abusive. You are defending yourself. That's all. As you should.

    It's no wonder you're feeling depressed.

    Are you seeing anyone for depression?
    IE have you spoken with your GP?
    Or a Counsellor?


    1 person found this helpful
  24. 815
    815 avatar
    211 posts
    24 November 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi emotionallydrained,

    I just wanted to write here because you have provided me so much support on my situation.

    I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to say that you should not doubt yourself.

    Everyone deserves a hug, a kind and reassuring word - even if they are wrong.

    I don't think it's too much to expect at all.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    30 November 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    Thank you for your continued support. I go on so many rollercoaster rides I have no idea what to think most times. Things will be ok and I think to myself I can do this. Then something will happen or we'll have a conversation that focuses all on his feelings and wants and nothing on mine. Sometimes I think how could he not know me after all these years and know what makes me tick and what makes me happy. In short, the things I enjoy are the things that challenges his issues the most, so I have to compromise on them.

    In answer to your question, no I'm not seeing or speaking to anyone. I've called 1800respect once and BB once to talk over some things, but I'm too scared to initiate any counselling. I read the Mark247 thread and I'm even more scared to make anything official or public. I'm so non confrontational most of the time unless I've been triggered and I'm very private and stress about sharing too much with people. I speak to my best friend who is a great ear and good with advice and support. Part of me just thinks it'll be better if he's initiated a split because he's controlled the decision and I'll give no resistance this time. But I honestly don't know what to do.

    I know there's a situation coming up in a few weeks that has the potential to flair things up which is stressing me. It's a situation I should be so happy about but it's being taken away from me again because of his need to control situations. All I want is to be able to be happy and be able to be me, but I don't think that can happen while we're together. It's just a matter of how much more I'm willing to compromise and whether I just let go of who I want to be and live with who I am.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    30 November 2020 in reply to 815

    Thank you 815 for your continued support as well. I appreciate it so much and love coming back to read these posts when I'm feeling most confused or down.

    I've read your update and I'm so sorry for all you're going through as well. I hope that you can get to talk about your feelings in your sessions soon as I do think that H needs to hear that you are hurting more than maybe he realises.

    Thanks so much again :)

    1 person found this helpful
  27. 815
    815 avatar
    211 posts
    2 December 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi emotionallydrained,

    I can see how hard this situation is on you. I have read your response to ecomama about seeking help for yourself. I would urge you just to consider even just speaking to your GP initially about your situation. I have a couple of trusted friends, my mum, and my SIL who all know the situation. And they are an amazing support to me.

    I know how daunting that initial step is, of booking that appointment and actually going. I did it initially, to find ways to support my husband. But in the end, I've realised that I need support for myself (so that I can support my husband my kids through this). And I would not be able to have done any of the things that I've managed to do in the past couple of months had I not gone to that initial appointment with my GP.

    Just something for you to think about.

    And also, thanks again for your continued support and keeping up with my updates. It's nice to know that there are people out there who care enough to read what I'm going through.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    2 December 2020 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi emotionallydrained (and a wave to 815) - hugs all around.

    I don't think your H will ever initiate a divorce. He enjoys the control too much and uses your child to control you even further.

    You know there's only so much of this you can take, hence you feeling so emotionally drained all the time.

    It's not a "compromise" of completely giving up who you are - it's total surrender.
    Compromise would be in a healthy relationship.
    Both people compromise.

    I feel suffocated remembering my last marriage as he owned every part of me, my life, my earnings, my thoughts, he even belittled my facial expressions.
    He criticised my dreams... I didn't share my REAL dreams, I mean my sleeping dreams where he heard me talking in my sleep.
    Then criticised those words.

    Now I can BREATHE.

    But the battle took many years in Courts. During those years I can still say that he owned me via legal puppetry.

    My situation even now is bec of his actions for many years.

    But I have what I have and my kids and I are safe.
    I am free to make my own decisions, seek counselling, use my accounts with little concern he can breach them now.

    Though the experiences of all those years of abuse has changed me.

    Regardless of this I would get him out of our lives in a heartbeat all over again if I had to.

    I have NEVER, not for a nano second, regretted ending that "marriage".
    It was the BEST decision I have ever made.

    And I Pray for the strength for you to see a way to your own freedoms.

    Lots of love to you both (all)

    1 person found this helpful
  29. emotionallydrained
    emotionallydrained avatar
    89 posts
    13 January 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Thank you EM and 815. I'm sorry I've been slow in replying - I just don't know what to say or even write or feel anymore.

    I'm beginning to think it is me a bit. We had a nice Christmas just the 3 of us (border closures etc.) and some good home time. No real major incidents which is great and I am grateful for, but I'm still not happy because I feel I'm still being taken for granted and even if I say something I must never articulate it properly as it goes no where and nothing changes. I must just come across as a whinger or something.

    I wake up some mornings and it's such a struggle to get out of bed. But I have to because they both need breakfast making. H never makes any of the meals or coffees - it's always me. It's these little things that drain me. The knowing that every day for the rest of my life I am the one who is going to have to be the coffee and dinner maker. I read 815 that your husband made you a coffee and brought you a donut to your study despite all your going through. That is so lovely and I honestly can't remember the last time I had that. But I try and say something or say I need a bit back and I get "you know why I don't do it" or "is it that big a deal" or just "why are you trying to make trouble". I know why he doesn't do it, but I NEED him to do it, especially when I'm now the one who needs some support back. I work from home and it's me myself and I. I have to self motivate everyday and I'm struggling.

    As for the GP visit, I can't do that. I'd have to be near on dead to be able to physically visit a GP. His saying is "if there's nothing wrong why do you need to go" He's germophobic so GP's are the height of germs and most risky. Apparently that's reasonable. :( I can do an online I guess. I just keep hoping that I'll magically be happy again and back to my old self... but that old self was so long ago now. It's been 10 years of losing myself and I don't even know what would make me happy anymore. If you asked me what my interests were I don't think I could really answer it.

    Sometimes I do think it's in my mind and mindset but there's not much feeling in my heart either and sometimes it's even numb if that makes any sense. I used to be pretty extrovert and quite a chatter box, but now I am introvert and find it hard to even start a conversation. I guess deep down I'm struggling to forgive the actions of the past. He's trying and no big incidents or anger outbursts prove that, but it's still not enough and I don't know what to do.

  30. 815
    815 avatar
    211 posts
    14 January 2021 in reply to emotionallydrained

    Hi ED,

    Just saw your post here after asking on my thread how you're doing.

    My husband and I seem very early on in the mental illness journey and it has already been very difficult for our family. I cannot even imagine the struggle of having to deal with this for as long as you have. So I admire your strength for putting up with it all.

    I really don't know what advice I can give you. I guess it is a very difficult situation you are in. But your happiness, and that of your child is important - so I think your choices should be based on that.

    Take care.

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