I think I'm the one with the problem.
Thigs were looking up and improving and we had a good chat. But 2 months later I'm finding myself feeling unhappy again. The happiness was short lived for me.
Nothing bad of note has happened. Not like had happened before. He's made a real conscious effort to change and control his anger.
But I guess from all the reading I've done, there are instances and traits that are still flagging for me. I can't even put my finger on them. At the time I know that they affect me, but when I come to reflect or think back, I can't even remember what I was angered about or it must have been in my mind.
I still feel lost. I still find myself wishing I was alone and not in this relationship anymore. I look at him and I sometimes think I don't want to be here anymore. I have forgiven for the past. I am not angry at that anymore, but I still can't forget. I don't want to punish him, but I am now the one with the anger issues. I am a full glass that spills every time someone knocks it.
He has his intimacy drive back, but I don't. I have no interest in being intimate. Maybe because that is still no kissing or anything I like before hand. It's either what he tells me I want/need or just straight into it. I'm back in the going through the motions and I can tell I'm not happy. I lack motivation and inspiration.
I used to be a really bubbly, happy person. I'm not that person anymore and I don't know if I can be while in this relationship because what I need to be that person he can't let me do.
I don't know if it's because I've been conditioned to hold back and question things for fear of getting in trouble or upsetting him. Or if I'm just making issues that aren't there.
I feel like I have PTSD or something. I'm triggered so easily and he can't understand why. He thinks it should all be ok now because he's changed.
I'm wondering if I don't want it to be fixed. I think I left in my heart a while ago and I'm not sure how or if I want it back and what that looks like. There are still compromises there with his anxiety issues and I feel like I've been living this for 10 years. I'm tired.
Covid hasn't helped and has triggered me even more. To me, I've been living covid restrictions for a decade and I am sick of being questioned and told what I should want to do, not what I do want to do.