Hey Emotionally drained, I get you and where you're at.
I think you're holding unrealistically high standards for yourself and where your emotions "should be".
It's easier to forgive and not easy to forget, I don't think you should forget anyhow.
Once a perp has done what they've done, NO ONE would expect the victim to continue living with that person. No matter what "changes" appear to have happened.
It's very difficult to be in this situation with no one to talk to so I really encourage you to keep posting here and writing our your thoughts because people are reading and if you ask questions perhaps more people would respond (if you want that).
I was also in a similar situation for many years. It was horrible. I felt the situation was hopeless and that's very sad, so hugs.
I agree with "the grass isn't always greener" but I wasn't sure about what you meant by that?
If you meant you could be free of his abuse then yes in a way that could be true, eventually. Family Law being what it is means the abuse can continue for a long while as it did for me (and the kids) for years.
My strong advice for you is to upskill and have a long term plan for exiting.
Reading about the 180 strategy and putting as much into yourself as you can.
Sometimes I've encouraged women to just "jump into the abyss". They would see how they COULD fly and every one of them have so far.
Doesn't mean the separation time isn't dangerous. It is very dangerous, so any plan has to be taken out fast when you decide.
And just a mother to mother long hug too.... dear lady, no one is the mother they wish they were. No one.
Please be kind to yourself and keep your relentlessly high standards in check.
I think part of your sadness atm is because you weren't able to vent everything you felt from Hs abuse.
You haven't had the validation necessary to move on in any way.
Hopefully you can get that validation here.