Hi Mary, thanks for your reply. Unfortunately it’s only getting worse. It’s almost unbearable now. In regards to activities and hobbies, i haven’t been able to find anything I could call a hobby, the long term depression and other mental health issues has affected my concentration and focus, I can barely think of what the next word I want to use in a sentence is. I am a single mother I’m only able to get casual work cause I live in a tiny town so I just don’t have any money at all to go and find something I enjoy. Thanks for the suggestion though, it would definitely help to have a hobby to spend time on, I can see that. I used to live in Sydney and I tried to find a hobby but I think I’m just too despondent, I can’t do anything. The best I do is walk my dogs, I try to walk them each day.
Out of my family I only have my brother that I can talk to, everyone else has abandoned me. I’ve noticed this year though that if I try to talk to him something else comes up and he needs to hang up, he has a pregnant wife and 2 small children so his own life and his own issues are his priority at the moment, and I understand that completely. So he’s not someone I can lean on. I had a best friend who I loved and was very loyal to but she ghosted me in May last year with no explanation. I have a child but I don’t want to talk to him about these things of course. I already feel like I’m failing at that as it is. My parents put me through hell so that’s a no go.
Every single person that has ever loved me or who I have loved has abandoned me, with the exception of my son but I feel like when he’s older he’ll do the same. Everyone does. I honestly do everything I can to be a good person, help people, be honest and trustworthy, and it just doesn’t matter, I still never get to feel love. When I was young I was always told I was unlovable, many times, “it would take a saint to love you” and things like that. So in my adult life I have tried to find love too many times, screwed up at it too many times, now I’m so tired and worn down that this year I had the thought for the first time in my life that they may be right. The fire inside me to prove them wrong has died out, and I’m just realising that they are probably right. And it’s honestly breaking my spirit.