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Topic: How do I keep going?!

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Bowie111319
    Bowie111319 avatar
    3 posts
    14 October 2020

    Hi
    This is a first for me so please bare with me...
    I am a 38yo mum of 3 kids aged 9, 6 & 18mths, my kids mean the absolute world to me and my whole life revolves around them. I love being a mum! My husband and I have been married 12yrs but honestly since I gave birth to my first I have literally done everything for the kids on my own. We have always had family of both sides close by but never a helping hand from anyone.
    Lately my marriage has gotten to a place where all I’m doing is screaming and yelling on a daily basis, add to that begging for help
    & conversation from my husband, but he doesn’t want a bar of it...so I thought to post here hoping someone can help. I am past sad and just constantly furious and in the last 2years my anxiety has increased tremendously. My husband doesn’t help me physically or emotionally, it started when our first 2 kids were little but because I was so busy I didn’t pull him up about why he was never present, I just went about everyday raising, playing, teaching, entertaining & caring for our kids, on top of that I have always made myself available to my husband, family & friends. The day I gave birth to my first I gave up absolutely everything to be a mum so in the last 9yrs I haven’t had any “me” time. I have over the years tried to explain how lonely & sad I am but he just looks at me blankly with no comment or just makes a joke of it. Everyone has always thought highly of him and I’ve always been labeled the “ball breaker”, not sure why as I’ve done everything for our family in the best way possible. No one knows the rubbish my husband has put me through or how poorly he treats me, however like a good wife I have always had his back & kept my mouth shut.

    He knows I’ve cried myself to sleep many many times but he doesn’t seem to care. I can bring up my feelings about something many times but I get nothing back, even a daily conversation from him is hard. I’ve noticed now that the kids don’t have much respect for him and they come to me for EVERYTHING, he says that makes him sad but I don’t see him doing anything to make this better. Some might say he’s had it too good for so long and it’s hard for him to change.
    I’ve come to a point now where I’m constantly miserable and the kids can see it.
    I don’t think there’s any getting through to him as he thinks old fashioned & jokes that women should keep their mouths shut, funny as he was not raised with that thinking.
    I can’t keep going like this. I don’t know what to do.

  2. Sad but hopeful
    Sad but hopeful avatar
    2 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to Bowie111319

    I think I am in exactly the same position as you at the moment! I have two kids, and feel like I do everything to do with housework and the kids and get minimal support. Oh I also work full time aswell!
    It’s even gotten to the point where I am on medication to help keep me from losing my mind.

    i have spoken to my partner many times regarding these issues, but nothing seems to get resolved.

    i love my partner very much, but not sure how long I can keep going.

    like you, I dont know what to do! I have written a letter explaining how I am feeling and why, just not sure if I should give it to him!

  3. IsaJett
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IsaJett avatar
    230 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to Bowie111319

    Hi Bowie

    sorry to hear you are so overwhelmed with everything and boy does it make matters worse when your husband isn’t there for you . I know ..it’s that brick wall ... you talk you scream but he does absolutely nothing . I have been there unfortunately but I have since left as he had an affair and the mistress came harassing me .. lol

    but this isn’t about me ...it’s about you . I would suggest you look up Abraham Hicks vortex meditation . And Jason Stephenson meditation videos ...just look it up on YouTube

    these videos will teach you to meditate and give you some headspace to clear your head so to speak . You say you put everyone else ahead of you and I also did that ...but now it’s time you show yourself the love and care first .

    I remember also being overwhelmed a few years ago and I wasn’t coping at all. Until I learnt to put myself first and take time out when I need to .

    it’s about an hour or even less a day to meditate and trust me you will feel heaps better .

    aNd then once head is clear ..you possibly figure why your husband is the way he is ...an affair ? Or whatever the case is . Consider your options or talk to him to incorporate new things where he contributes as well . You can always incorporate change and if he loves and respects you he come to the table .or not ...but you have and know your options .

    good luck and keep posting ...check out those videos too ..trust me you thank me later .

    1 person found this helpful
  4. IsaJett
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IsaJett avatar
    230 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to Sad but hopeful

    Hey sad but hopeful

    read my response to Bowie ...I think it might help you too .stay well and good luck ...keep posting :-)

  5. Sad but hopeful
    Sad but hopeful avatar
    2 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to IsaJett

    Thanks IsaJett and you are so correct, I haven’t put myself first in so long so hopefully a few changes around here, including meditation!

    the question is, do I give him my letter?

  6. Bowie111319
    Bowie111319 avatar
    3 posts
    15 October 2020 in reply to Sad but hopeful

    Hi and thanks for responding.

    Wow I really feel for you, our stories are so similar, I honestly thought I was the only one who was living like this.

    I sometimes think having just one neutral person to vent to would help me just so I’m not bottling everything up. I’ve been assessed twice for depression but I was told i wasn’t at the point where I needed medication, anxiety on the other hand I’m not sure how I’d go taking something, I have no idea how it will go for me.

    i really appreciate you spending the time to reply to me, I am greatful for even that small gesture as I get zero from anywhere else.

    THANK YOU!

    i wish I could give you some sort of resolution to your problem...I wish I could help you just because I know how you feel.

  7. Bowie111319
    Bowie111319 avatar
    3 posts
    15 October 2020 in reply to IsaJett

    Hi IsaJett, thank you for responding.

    Everything that you said about it being time to put myself first is completely correct. I have never done that for myself so being able to will be a challenge.

    I would definitely look into those videos you suggested, but sometimes I think too just having a neutral friend or anyone to bitch or vent to about what’s going on will take a bit of the load off and I won’t be bottling it up so much.

    Affair?!...I don’t think so. He’s always been so busy with work especially now that he’s working for himself, but he always throws me his famous line of “I love my life, what’s there not to love?”

    On the flipside when I do have a meltdown or get really upset about something he will call me things like “crazy”, “unstable“ and “hard to deal with”. Things like that really hurt my feelings because in no way ever have I done anything to deserve to be called that.

    i’m really confused and stuck with where to go from here.

  8. FeathersnFluff
    FeathersnFluff avatar
    33 posts
    25 October 2020 in reply to Bowie111319

    Hi Bowie

    You are not crazy or unstable you are exhausted. Being what's considered an "older' Mum when your last child was born takes a physical and mental toll on you. I was 33 and nearly 37 when I had my two children. I experienced Panic Attacks after the birth of my youngest. I was working three days a week outside the home. Although I took 6 months Maternity Leave I pushed myself back to work. Might sound funny but being at work was my chance to be me. I was respected in my job and it was good to interact with adults. I found i could give more to my children on the other 4 days of the week. Whilst I am not suggesting you seek work outside of the home is there any way you could afford to put your youngest child into Daycare one day a week so you get some genuine me time. Like my you I had nil help from family but when I think about it I never reached out to them and ask for it. Are you like I was? ....I have to do this all on my own or I am a failure. Husband didn't necessarily not participate in the day to day grind of family but he was in the Australian Armed Forces and would be away for up to 6 months of the year. Maybe there might even be a Mother's Group in your area that you could attend. I wish you luck and keep coming to the Forums. There are many good people here who want to help. I have been given some very sound advice on the Forums that has helped me a lot in the last year. Big hugs.

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