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Topic: Husband lost on seapartion situation

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    6 December 2021

    Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the house over the last 5 years, we stopped connecting as a couple and never did date nights of 1-1. I was streesed with work/renos ect. and felt alone & was unfaithful by getting some inappropriate massages a year and a half ago and suffered severe remorse(still do) and depression whilst we worked on our marriage. She started having coffee with work colleague for support 1 year ago (6 months after the infidelity) as I was not being emotionally supportive which I said was ok and she agreed I should focus on getting myself better & mentally stronger first, then work on the rebuild. So I did & 6 months later I found evidence they had fellings for each other. I told her many times over the 6months i was worried each time & get streesed & anxious. We had a blowup when i found out & she said they acknowledged their feelings & agreed to stop communication for a 4 month period. He is also married with 2kids. Over last 4 months I caught them texting/calls and at coffee multiple times, still says just good friends and he loves his wife and is working on making it work, she even said he has said his wife is perfect in all areas except one (didnt say what that is?). I just caught her again catching up with him, she still denies. I can’t handle this & cannot understand why she will not admit he is in love with her, when he text her theese words”I miss your smile and staring into your beautiful eyes”. I cant stop thinking I should have approached him when I saw them at coffee the other day and asked if he is aware that he has destroyed any opportunity for me to repair my relationship, while he was connecting with her and that he has destroyed my life and imp[acted my kids life which will now be without a family home. I did not approach him in case it caused a scene in front of my wife. I feel I will never move on unless I let him know my position and find out if he is in love with her and persuing a long term relationship. I can just see this being a major thing I will always regret not doing if I dont. Please someone advise if you agree or advice on how to do it. I know my wife wont like the facyt I have contacted him but I feel I have to.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks Bradd

  2. james1
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    6 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Bradd,

    Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you are feeling a lot of confusion and uncertainty about how to approach this situation with your wife and her work colleague. I understand you really want to let him know how you feel, and I think it would be interesting to hear what you hope to get from that. It sounds like you feel like he's destroyed your life and impacted your kids' lives, and I can only imagine how terrible it feels to have your life turned over like this.

    I have not been in your situation before, so I am probably not really in a good position to really give any advice. But what I am hearing in your post is a lot of pain and regret about what happened, and what could've happened instead. It sounds like you are really upset about your separation and you feel like you need to do something. In my own experience with dealing with emotional pain, I often felt like I needed to do something just so people would know how badly I felt. Sometimes I also felt like I'd regret it if I didn't do or say anything, but in hindsight, it often made things worse and was an emotional response to feeling completely helpless.

    From what I understand, the people involved at the moment are you, your wife, your wife's co-worker, and your kids. Are you able to try and speak to others who aren't involved, to not only get a trusted outside opinion, but also just to express your pain to a third party? I know it's not the same, but if this separation becomes permanent, it'll be your friends and other family who you'll need to gather around to support you.

    Also, it sounds to me like you are really caught up in trying to work out what is happening between your wife and her co-worker. I am not sure how to do this, but I would suggest trying to distract yourself from those thoughts since there's not much you can really do, and she is also free to do as she likes. The best thing you can do is focus on what you need, and how you can get that without your wife. It might be friends and family, or perhaps it could be a counsellor, or even just distraction through hobbies to pass time. At least for now, you are on separate paths and it will feel horrible and alien, but it's important to focus on yourself and not her.

    Anyway, I hope you can get some rest. We are here for you if you'd like to share any more.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
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    7 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Bradd, when a married couple live a hectic life with their job, renovations, looking after the kids with sports training and then going to matches it puts a strain on the family, especially the parent's relationship which may cause problems along the way.

    You may not be told what you want to know but this coworker may have problems if his wife finds out and deservedly so because he may have kids also he is father to and either he or your wife has to decide to withdraw this 'friendship'.

    There is much more I'd like to say but will do only if you have the chance to get back to us.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    7 December 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff, really appreciate your response, my councillor suggested I text the following to him “ your actions are now hurting your children as well as mine. There is no happiness that can come out of your ongoing relationship with my wife for our families. “
    I was going to text him to say we need to meet and talk, so I could tell him what impact he has had and ask if he loves her and intentions he’s has. His actions are not in line with someone repairing his marriage like my wife tells me he is doing.
    sny further advice would be appreciated. My wife is away at mums with kids until Friday.

    Thanks Brian

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    7 December 2021 in reply to james1

    Hi James, really appreciate your response and the detail, so much helpful advice and opinions, I really appreciate it. Not sure how I am going to deal with the work colleague or if I should, my wife is away at mums to Friday so I have a couple of day to think.I wish I had found this forum 12 months ago

    thank you Bradd

  6. james1
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    8 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hey Bradd,

    Thanks for replying. How are you going? It sounds like there is a lot to consider so I'm hoping these couple of days on your own are helpful just to get some space to think.

    What were your thoughts on your counsellor's suggestion?

    James

  7. geoff
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    10 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Brain, normally if two people want to meet up, like you and this co-worker it could end up being physical, and as your wife is at mum's house I would still be questioning mum whether or not your wife has been out at night etc.

    Another option is to contact his wife as she may not be knowledgeable that her husband is seeing your wife, I know this may be difficult to do but it's one way you could do it.

    Please keep in contact with us.

    Geoff.

  8. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    thanks for responding

    I have not contacted him to meet, I was going to them couldn’t find number I had saved, I am thinking this may be a sign not to contact him.

    After I sent he below texts she is now angry with me and said she would be happy to sell house immediately and part. I don’t know if I should drop this subject and try and work on co parenting best things for kids, as I feel she is angry because she does not want all our families and friends to find out about him and their relationship. We are about to end everything and on one hand i want her to admit it and me talk to him, so I have closure and to make him know what his actions have contributed to, but I want the best outcome for my kids which would be amicable co parenting. If I talk to him and it blows up, that opportunity may be gone. I am also worried if I don’t, I will forever regret facing him and finding out his position, which would also may make my wife admit to everything. Really unsre…..see below latest communications. She is due back home tomorrow and I have booked a unit for a week to think….

    I text her the below as I am struggling with her denying their relationship, still saying just friends only.

    No I have said I have caused things, I never blamed you for my actions and have been accountable and deeply remorseful. You will be not been honest about your actions or accountable for your involvement with Richard and the impact it has had with everything. You have lied to me, probably to him too about us/me and him lying to his wife too. The ongoing relationship
    of you both has added hurt to our kids, impacting the spouse at home on both sides, there has never been any happiness that could come out of your ongoing relationship with him, for our families.and you still deny it all

    Here Response: “We are just friends, there is no relationship”

    So I sent the below: and she still denies

    Everything you guys did/doing together was/is a relationship, this and everything in my text is real with major impacts, read it again don’t ignore it all, be honest about it for once, I’ve owed my errors, own what you have been doing and stop lying to yourselves about effect it has had to both your families

    thanks

  9. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to james1
    Hi James,
    thanks for responding yes heaps going on still.
    I have not contacted her co-worker to meet, I was going to then couldn’t find number I had saved, I am thinking this may be a sign not to contact him.
    After I sent he below texts she is now angry with me and said she would be happy to sell house immediately and part. I don’t know if I should drop this subject and try and work on co parenting best things for kids, as I feel she is angry because she does not want all our families and friends to find out about him and their relationship. We are about to end everything and on one hand i want her to admit it and me talk to him, so I have closure and to make him know what his actions have contributed to, but I want the best outcome for my kids which would be amicable co parenting. If I talk to him and it blows up, that opportunity may be gone. I am also worried if I don’t, I will forever regret facing him and finding out his position, which would also may make my wife admit to everything. Really unsre…..see below latest communications. She is due back home tomorrow and I have booked a unit for a week to think….
    I text her the below as I am struggling with her denying their relationship, still saying just friends only.
    No I have said I have caused things, I never blamed you for my actions and have been accountable and deeply remorseful. You will be not been honest about your actions or accountable for your involvement with Richard and the impact it has had with everything. You have lied to me, probably to him too about us/me and him lying to his wife too. The ongoing relationship
    of you both has added hurt to our kids, impacting the spouse at home on both sides, there has never been any happiness that could come out of your ongoing relationship with him, for our families.and you still deny it all
    Here Response: “We are just friends, there is no relationship”
    So I sent the below: and she still denies
    Everything you guys did/doing together was/is a relationship, this and everything in my text is real with major impacts, read it again don’t ignore it all, be honest about it for once, I’ve owed my errors, own what you have been doing and stop lying to yourselves about effect it has had to both your families
  10. james1
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    18 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hey Bradd,

    How are you going?

    I didn't get a chance to reply to you earlier, but it sounded like you were still feeling really unsure about a lot of things. I understand you're really worried about what'll happen with your kids, but you also really want your wife to say that they are in a relationship.

    I don't really want to weigh in on what the truth of that is, because it seems like what you're really looking for is some kind of closure. From what you've seen, they are in a relationship, and you just want to hear it explictly. I totally understand how that could be really just causing you a lot of frustration and pain, and I've been in similar situations where I've just been searching for closure and for someone to, in my mind, admit to something. I would get really hung up on it and it'd just occupy all my thoughts as to how I could get them to admit to it.

    In hindsight, I think it was actually really hurtful for me to keep trying. After all, I didn't have any control over what they would say or not say, and they saw things differently to me anyway. It also stopped mattering once I got over the pain of the whole situation.

    But during that time, I couldn't really think of much else and it seemed so important. I think I suggested trying to distract yourself earlier, just to get a bit of a mental break - do you think that would work for you, or do you feel like you really need to get her to say they're in a relationship?

    James

  11. james1
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    18 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Bradd,

    Sorry I just also wanted to ask - you've been under a lot of pressure lately and I understand your work is also quite stressful.

    Do you have anyone who you regularly chat to and get support from? I understand you have a counsellor? How about friends or family?

    James

  12. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    35 posts
    20 December 2021
    Bradd, sorry to be blunt but I have gone through this same exact scenario. Emotional affairs will always progress to physical affairs if allowed to go on. I was foolish and trusted my wife with her new male friend. He even promised me he would never do anything to affect my marriage. I stupidly believed him for 3 years until my wife under duress confessed to sleeping with him that whole time. Good luck
  13. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    22 December 2021 in reply to james1

    Thanks no support from family, can’t really tHi Maryse , sorry to bother you, was the lawyer you referred me to on your floor Simon Harvey? I am going to have to call him tomorrow.
    In a conversation about kids I said them spending half time at each house when we separate and she blew up saying I agreed to 60/40 back in Jan. biggest argument yet saying she wasted a year and now I’m trying to screw her over, saying she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement
    Thanks Maryse be friends unless we sort the agreement
    Thanks Bradd

  14. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    22 December 2021 in reply to Dadmeister
    Thanks you may be right, things have got worse in a conversation about kids I said them spending half time at each house when we separate and she blew up saying I agreed to 60/40 back in Jan. biggest argument yet saying she wasted a year and now I’m trying to screw her over, saying she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement
    Thanks Maryse be friends unless we sort the agreement
    Thanks Bradd
  15. geoff
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    23 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Bradd, the trouble is she is only trying to make out that ' she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement', which seems to indicate that it's been happening and you can't be sure for how long and the extent of their relationship, but it's caused problems between the two of you and will be the same with his family and whether or they remain together the damage has been caused.

    If you can try and aim for 50/50 for the kids, then no one will dominate, a mutual agreement can then be made, especially for birthdays, Xmas and birthdays, if someone has more advantage then these periods will be disappointing, not only for you but also the kids.

    In regards to the house, it can be sold or one of you can buy the other out, but perhaps having a fresh start may be better for you and the kids, too many memories may keep reminding you of the good days you had, this is only a suggestion.

    Whether your wife stays with him, nobody knows but the damage has been done and may happen again and as much as you want to talk to this other chap, it might not be his entire fault.

    I'm also very sorry to Dadmeister.

    Geoff.

  16. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff, helpful comments and advice. I really appreciate it as reading responses at night is so helpful as it it a daily pressure cooker.at the moment. You are correct with it not being entirely his fault I am sure my wife has been equally contributing. I cannot understand why he would not want to contact me to say hey we are just good friends supporting each other, which is what my wife keeps saying, I know I would immediately if I knew the husband wasn’t happy with the catch-ups and caught me at coffees. My wife has now said on the 27th the parental plan needs to be discussed and agreed and she still said she believes it should be 60/40 because of what I did a year and a half ago and for putting up with supporting me to get to this point (not acknowledging that her behaviours with this guy in the last 9 months is what has been destroying my ability to recover and affecting my mental state) She also thinks she should have more custody because of this, which makes me think some things are intentional to keep me mentally unstable, so she can use against me.
    I also am wondering that if the parental planner is split 60/40 on kids days, does that automatically mean she will get 60/40 of the house and assets? I think I may need a Lawyer as I think she may have one. Thanks again for your detailed responses. I always reread each of them. Thanks Bradd

  17. geoff
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    24 December 2021 in reply to Bradd

    Hello Bradd, a parental plan is not legally enforcable, so if can contact a mediator who will talk to the two of you together and come to an agreement between the two of you, so you can google 'find a mediator in aus', someone very close to me had to go through this when they separated before a divorce, which can't be done until the two of you have been apart from each other a whole year, but a settlement can be reached.

    I can't say, but her affair with this chap should balance out any agreement, so ask the mediator for a different settlement and list all your concerns, now and in the future.

    They will also decide on a figure each of you should get and this includes the furniture, it's a good way to settle this.

    I wonder whether or not you have superannuation because this may be raised as it was for my close friend.

    If 50/50 can be achieved then you both have an agreement as to where and what happens with the kids, if it favours one of you then it makes your job to be very difficult.

    My best.

    Geoff.

  18. Bradd
    Bradd avatar
    10 posts
    28 December 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff, thanks again for your help. Just had the first conversation on kids parental plan since back on January, she blew up when I said the kids should spend equal time with both of us , saying I’m screwing her over, she also said she still wants 60/40 on the house sale and assets,and I said 50/50 as nobody should be disadvantaged to getting set up to provide suitable hoist and support for the kids, she blew up saying after what I did (infidelity 1.5years ago) she wants 60/40. Also, she did send email back in Jan, when I was severely depressed and on medication with a attached parry plan of who is looking after kids on what days and I did say ok to it, I had no idea that she would use it as a custody agreement until yesterday. After deformation of my character in the argument saying I don’t I have the values and morals to get 50/50 she blip saying I will agree to 50/50 of finances sale of house but want one extra day per week with the kids. After arguing I said ok but to be reviewed if kids want more time with me, she the said I am not happy and won’t like you for this and stormed out to stay her parents for 3 days, I also agree I would move out asap as soon as can find suits rental. I really don’t know if I am doing this right, I don’t want to be financially disadvantaged but also don’t want to have a messy breakup and not be friends. I also don’t know what extra powers she will have if she has the kids for 60% of the time.

    any comments would be appreciated thanks Bradd

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