Topic: Husbands double life

2 weeks before Xmas last year my husband of 17 years came home and told me he had an affair 4 years ago that resulted in a child. He said the affair was short lived. He also got a unit 18 months ago and has been spending time at the unit when he told me and my children he was working away. He started the affair while my mother was dying and continued it after she died and when I needed him the most. He also told me and my children that a couple of xmas ago he needed to work but he spent it with the child from the affair. He has told so many lies and has also spent a huge amount of money on child support and the unit over the years. This was hidden From me. I am struggling every day as I loved him and trusted him with my life. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my life has been a lie for so long. Right up to the day he told me he would send me messages and call me 5/6 times a day and tell me he loves me and checking how my day is going. He couldn’t do enough for me around the house. So confusing and so hard for me to comprehend. He of course has left and we are going through settlement at the moment.

Hi Katie J,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here.  The lovely people here will have kind words, advice and understanding for you.

We can hear there are some really big revelations you're dealing with, and adjusting to this news must be confusing, especially when you were dealing with the illness and loss of your mum during this time. If you'd like some more immediate support as you process this we’d  love for you to give our counsellors a ring on 1300 22 4636, or chat to them online here.  

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here. We hope you can be as kind to yourself as you have been in sharing here, as it’s really important to look after yourself and reach out when you need to talk it through.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Hi Katie J,

I am incredibly sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. I understand your sadness, disappointment and conflicting feelings, even though, I have never been in a situation like yours. Still, I feel you and I hear you. I don't think any words could bring you consolation now. And I am not sure, if you would even expect them. Sometimes life takes on such an unexpected and dramatic turn that no words can bring any relief. I am not sure, if this is going to be of any help to you but I want you to know that you can talk to me any time you wish. Even just to simply vent all the frustration and pain so you don't feel alone. I am here for you, any time you need. Maybe this is not much. But maybe this is enough.

Hi Katie,

Words can’t express how sorry I am that you’re going through this. You may love your husband (I’m sure you do) and he may possess all of the qualities that you fell in love with him for but he is seriously lacking in the morality department. I couldn’t even treat someone who I didn’t love the way that he has treated you. I have been in a domestic violence relationship and showed my partner more respect than that and I really didnt like the person they were. And that’s the thing, their behaviour says everting about them and you behavior says everything about you. I could never treat my ex partner as badly as he treated me because I loved him and I don’t treat the people I love that way. The fact that your husband can do that, keep up that lie for so long and that level of deceit, shows there is something very wrong there. It may be that he was treated badly along the way and so always felt like he needed one foot out, or not to get close, I’m really not sure. And it really doesn’t matter I suppose because it doesn’t change anything. As human beings we are want to look for meaning in things, why did it happen, what did I do. But I suspect the problem was there long before you came along and will be there long after. But I can imagine how devastating it must be for you, particularly when he gave the illusion of a happy and devoted husband. I really hope you can find a way to trust again with time.

Hi Katie,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. That all sounds very frightening and hard to deal with. I cannot believe someone would have the heart to do all that and lie about it for such a long time. It is extremely disheartening. I just wanted to say that you have been extremely strong throughout all of this, I am inspired by how brave you have been and especially to come out here and to reach out for support.

We are all here for you and to support you through this difficult time.

Stay safe and I am always here to chat.