Hey Geoff, thanks so much for your thoughts. Spot on!
We're, at this point, not going to have children, but I've used the nuclear family as an example of the kind of relational autonomy I think we should be able to have from the pressures from her family/friends. My mum used to say your family is your partner and your kids (or in our case, animals haha), and everyone else are you relatives (there's still a hierarchy like looking after your parents when you can etc - I'm all for it) ... So definitely not dragging her away from family/friends in fact I encourage her to make more contact. The ADHD sometimes makes her forget to make an effort I suppose, but yeah, if someone makes a demand, you shouldn't meet at the compromise of something else.
Ironically, yes, she tries to make all the decisions about furniture ... about a lot of things. There's been problems before when I suggest we do something, something like camping and I'm prepared to organise a tent etc and whatever we'd need for a night away just for fun sometimes - "no, I'm not interested in that" and then her relative suggests every goes camping, she is all of a sudden keen and ... well, it's me that misinterpreted her. She really 'loves' camping, just not the way I presented it.
There's been a few instances of this sort of thing ... I mean, they're very particular examples but you get the vibe. And that could be ADHD also, like only things demanding one's attention get priority and get it equally, but for bigger values-based stuff, yeah I think it has to be 50/50 the whole way through otherwise it's headed for disaster. So like my response to Isabella_ ... I don't want this to not be the long-term relationship it has wonderful potential to be, but I'm just unsure where to draw the line in the sand and say, this is too much compromise for me.
Again, appreciate all your thoughts :) thanks again and hope you're well!