Topic: I'm very lonley..

My girlfriend and I drifted apart over a series of months. At the beginning we were very close. Always together or if we weren't she would call several times a day message each other back and forth constantly. After living alone for so many years I appreciated that she wanted to be there for me constantly and wanted my attention. But while she was around me her phone would ring constantly and it would be her other 'guy' friends calling. She would sit there right in front of me and let them flirt with her she made no aptempt to stop them you could hear their sleezy voices on the other end of the phone. Sometimes they would call while we were in bed. Soon enough she was spending time alone with these friends instead of me. I tried to confront her about it and tell her how worried I was how obvious what was going on and I was not going to stand for it. It would always cause an argument and the answer back always was how special her friends were to her and nothing was going to get in the way of it. I never felt so low in my life. She told me these guys were telling her to leave me. I could not understand how you could say these things back to somebody that is your partner. It was gut wrenching to hear.

I allowed this behaviour to continue and stayed in the relationship for several months feeling humiliated ashamed all the way. Naturally our intermate life does right off we spent less and less time together spoke less and less. In the end I fell asleep after work exhausted one Friday night. We were supposed to spend the night together. I awoke at 2am in a panic realising she wasent there. She would only come to see me weekends by that stage sometimes once a week. I missed her terribly everyday. Put my head in the sand ignored what I thought was going on but we bickered constantly about it which only drove us further apart.

The last Friday I fell asleep after work we were supposed to be spending the night together. When I awoke I panicked and messaged her. There was no reply. I had to work the next Saturday morning we had planned to go Christmas shopping that day. I spoke to her when I finally was allowed to go at 1pm after having an argument with my boss to get out. By this stage I was feeling very uneasy and stressed I was really wrapped in this girl and was so worried I did not sleep at all after I woke up without her.

She was angry with me over the phone would not accept my apology and finally told me she was sick of me and she was too busy to talk because she was out doing the Christmas shopping we had planned to do together with a friend. I was so upset I'm ashamed but I was in tears all weekend. Tried over and over to message and call her to apologize try to put things right but the most I hear back was she didn't know how things were going to be the same.

I could not understand the lack of compassion or understanding for something that I was terribly upset over happening and upset there was no compassion or understanding that it was an accident a mistake. I literally sat down after working 10 hours straight fell asleep and did not get to see her all weekend. I was looking forward to it all week. She said she couldn't wait to see me when I last spoke to her after work. When she said she was sick of me the next morning I lost my close companion from that point onwards that had been there for me night and day for months. That I could share anything. My close friend and girlfriend was list to me after that point.

That Sunday night I tried to talk to her one last time but it ended in an argument when she told me I had to respect her friend. And I could only be her friend now. I swore quite a few times with that name next to it. She blocked me on everything from that point onwards. That was it.

I have been in a downward spiral ever since. Quit my job the next day. Spend the next few weeks trying to get in touch with her as I could not understand how we could be so close at the end of the previous week and by end of the weekend never want to see me talk to me or acknowledge we ever had anything together. She put me down so much to everybody in her support circle that weekend to the point where everybody known to her was under the impression I'm some sort of abusive partner for the squabbles we had where we had barley raised our voices. Squabbles started over her taking the relationship we had and spending her time and affection with her guy friends. Which hurt so much.

There was a brief period were we spoke few times before last Christmas. Last thing she told me she was sharing herself timewise and intermatly between her friend and her other friend.  He obviously had quite a bit of influence over her. Things she told me back this guy was saying we're shocking. That our arguments would surely turn physical. That I was some kind of women abuser and even said I would wind up killing her someday. Unbelievable this kind of stuff which was insane to hear outright slander. She is now sharing herself with this guy. He called her everytime she was at my house.

The whole expierence has put me into a deep depression. I rarely leave the house. Picked up a eating disorder and eat one meal every couple of days. I haven't worked in two months now can't concentrate on anything. I am now two weeks behind on my rent and have been issued a notice to leave and am selling my car tommorow to pay that rent. I just walk so slowly around my home all day head slumped feeling that pain in my chest. I often cry out just make it stop. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am convinced like she says I am a bad person all the people around her were right and don't deserve anything good in life. And still I miss her company despite of the horrible expierence I have just been through and trying to accept that I ment so little to her that she could do this. Trying to accept somebody I once loved could show me such coldness or anybody could do this to another human being.

I feel so guilty and responsible everyday and this is third time I have been left for somebody known to them or cheated on. 3 times in a rowthis has happened. The one before her lied about her parents being in an accident and having to move to take care of her mother in a wheel chair. I later found out they were on holidays whole time it never happened. She went back to her ex. She didn't want to tell me.
First time my girlfriend walked in the room next to me and locked the door with my best friend in it. Cheated on me right there in the next room.
The hurt has compounded so much now I have lost intrest in life itself. I'm not self harming and suisidal I know I have to live with it all these things forever it hurts so much everyday. I live alone and each day it gets harder lonlyier longer. More confusing. This world does not make sense to me anymore. I can't see any good in life anywhere now.

Hello Llv, thanks for coming to the site.

What you have told us must be so disappointing for you and even though it's been only a few days to you, it's a long time to try and cope with what's been happening.

For this to leave you struggling at home, made you quit your job and has disrupted your daily life where you are barely looking after yourself means a decision needs to be made regarding whether or not you want to pursue her relationship.

With all the ongoing remarks made to her by other people, she may believe them if they are offering other incentives that she believes may come true, which may be completely different in your current situation.

I can't tell you what to do, but having her in the next room with somebody else should stop, either saying it's not going to happen or telling her that you can't let this happen, she needs to make a decision it's either being with you or with them.

Whether she has changed because of them means that doesn't have the sympathy for you at the moment, which isn't your fault but only cares for whatever else she has been promised.

Please remember there are other people out there who would be willing to have you as a close friend but you will need someone who is capable of convincing you this, so please keep posting on here and can I suggest you also see your doctor.

We want to help you overcome this.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Liv,

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you and you are feeling this way. I understand what you mean about someone who claimed to love you being suddenly cold. A similar thing happened to me. Do you have family or other friends you could reach out to? Maybe even someone who could come and stay with you for a while so that you can feel less lonely? Maybe even think about getting a flatmate who can help with the rent. I understand you are not ready for that probably and need more time to process. Maybe in a little while.

I agree with Geoff that it would be helpful for you to see your doctor as they will be able to direct you to people and services which can help you deal with this situation and they way you are feeling right now. I want to assure you that there are kind and decent people in the world who would not treat others in this way and I'm so sorry you have had to experience those who are not.

Take care.

WF

This week bI start getting things back on track start eating 3squares a day . Back into gym trainning and land a new job. Starting to feel better. Just. Physically yes but mentally the second the activity stops I'm just my same self feeling sad to the out of my stomach.

o

You think I would be out of the hole. Money can't buy happiness bother can being fit make you feel better mentally or mend a broken heart but taking steps day by day doing all the right things. But halfway through a trainning session I get a call from my ex. She is telling me a lot of things about our relationship I start apologiseing for knowing I'm wasting my time to make her feel better. She hadn't spoken to me in a week before that. Tells me she expected a ring in a year and a half. Which is insane. Even with my expierence would tell you true love is the only reason to get married. True love forever and marriage are all things that go together in my book. But I humour her saying if she had have stayed you never know what would have happened. There was a lot of back and forth about relationship. I just listened as I'm not sure her intentions of calling wether she felt bad on the day and needed to talk about it. She then tells me she's found a new boyfriend their spending quite a bit of time together and she is finally living happiness and joy in her life. Was pretty much biggest kick in the guts on top of everything I have been through. To tell me I never brought her happiness which contradicts how close been were in the end anyway. We would talk day and night times we weren't together and be in each other's arms when we were. I could also pick it up on her behaviour around me and it had changed dramatically in the end we had gone through so much and were so close. So I was shattered when she left the things I went through after and now hearing this is exactly the last things I need to hear at a time I just struggle to my feet. I went home from trainning and messaged her back saying I was changing all my details because I didn't want to talk to her anymore. Anytime I speak to her I get hurt. I can't take it anymore.

Just after I told her that because it was time to say goodbye. Another call. This time saying more strange things that would surely make me feel bad. Did I understand what she has? Like I am hard or hearing or not able accept what she was saying. Then asked do I understand she is never comming back. I felt so insulted and spoken down to. That I'm waiting for somebody that put me through everything she did hearing her go to 3 different people since and I'm waiting for her to come back? Especially now she calls to rub my nose in it one last time? She didn't have to do that or any of those things since the Friday I fell asleep then asked me if I regret falling asleep. All of this was horrible to hear I have blocked her since. Finally putting that space between us. But what is depressing me now is she's the one that walked out on our relationship did all those horrible things to me all unprovoked and is rewarded in life by given the chance to start all over again with somebody else while I am endlessly alone and I did nothing wrong by her and our relationship. That's what gets me down the imbalance of that is something I see in this world I see all too often. I'm not the one who had no respect for a relationship and I'm the one that sits alone everynight every weekend for months now. It's endless excercise diet and self improvement for me it gets me nowhere. That's what's getting me down. The good guys never win in this world. She's so used to doing what's she's doing she's says horrible things to twist the reality of it around and they see sound absolutely insane comming from her. I am tired of seeing people in this world do nothing but the wrong thing and they get rewarded not go backwards in life like their actions deserve. That's why I'm back to square one ATM. This world is so backwards. There's no good in it it's just expected that evil will everytime but people with respect for others always do the right thing are told they deserve to have it done to them. I can't just make sense of it. She's never been nice to me and decides to go out now and treat the next person right? She does all the wrong things and she never has to pay for it with being alone it's me that picks up the pieces for her actions. I can't understand how she can't see things she does or even hear the horrible things she says that are so backwards to the situation or subject it is insane.

I have not seen her go one piece of self improvement. It goes to show the huge double standard in this world that this even happens let alone level it did to point where she can't even see or understand what she is doing is wrong. She didn't have to do any of this to me. only thing I ever did wrong is give her my heart or stand by her for so long. I feel so miserable every second everyday. It's not missing her now but total damage caused by this stage. I don't think any guy has gone through this much emotional abuse before I've never seen anything on this level of unprovoked hatred before not even a movie or TV show. I can't believe a human mind would think of any of this much less want to do it

Hey Llv

Thanks for sharing whats happening for you. Sounds like you're struggling with missing your former partner and the heartache you feel. Youre not alone, separation from someone you loved very much is never easy for anyone. 

Some of what youve said makes us concerned about your well being right now though, so we're reaching out to you privately (check your inbox). You're also welcome to reach our support service directly on 1300 22 4636 or online.

If you feel at any time that you are unable to keep yourself from acting on unsafe urges of suicide or self harm, then this is an emergency and it's important that you contact 000 (triple zero) straightaway.

 

Hi Liv,

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to try to get over this person and I admire you for that because I know how hard it is to do. Then, just as you are starting to maybe feel a little bit better she phones you and says hurtful and mean things. I'm not sure why she would be doing that if she has moved on - maybe she just wants to 'win' or is justifying her actions. Blocking her is, in my opinion, the absolutely best thing you can do for your own wellbeing at this point. Just go totally 'no contact' including social media and the rest of it. In my experience every contact was like two steps backward after I had made one step forward.

From your posts it sounds also that it has been some time (maybe a year?) since this all happened initially and I wanted to say that it can take some people more time than others to get over these things - it is a grieving process. I'm close to two years now and I'm still processing. I'm also moving forward step by step and feeling much better than when it first happened. I'm telling you this so that you know it can be done and it does get better.

Try not to dwell on how she has behaved, her actions, what she has said and done. That's something you can't control and you kind of just have to accept that those were her choices. What you can control is how you react and what you do to help yourself feel better.

Hopefully, your new job will give you the opportunity to meet new people and make new friendships and then who knows what might happen. I hope you keep up with the self-improvement and other activities that distract you from your thoughts about her because even some time away from thinking about her is better than no time, those times will get longer in duration and then eventually you won't be thinking about her hardly at all. Sounds impossible right? It's not - just keep doing positive and busy things for yourself until you get there.

Come back and talk anytime you need to Liv. My best wishes to you.

WF

Hi Llv,

Try not to let the horrible things your ex girlfriend says to you get you down. The reality is that she wouldn’t be calling you if she was so happy, so I suspect she probably isn’t as happy as she is making out she is. She wants you to hurt with the things she says and that’s why she says them, but then she has an ulterior motive to make out that she is happier than before. Keep on with you diet and self-improvement, no harm can ever come from looking after your body and mind. You are going through a tough time at the moment but you will get there, I promise xx

Heya Llv,

You've come a really long way buddy. Going from good, to zero, and then back on your feet again, and down. Life be this way, it's filled with ups and downs. But you know what, you've achieved way more than your ex; Learning to look after yourself, knowing what's good for you and what isn't, picking yourself up from your lowest to where you are now. Reflect back on all that you've achieved, and I hope it serves as a reminder that you're stronger than where you were before.

Whether your ex has found a better life with another person, it doesn't concern you. What matters the most, and is the most important thing in your life, is yourself. Your happiness and your health comes first. I'm certain that better things are ahead of ya, and this experience has made you stronger so that you can better handle the things that life throws at ya.

Jt

I keep hitting rock bottom again. Out of another job back out of my training. Off my diet again days on end face down on couch in and out of sleep. I have such terrible dreams. Wanting to message her again, just talk to her...will this cycle never end? this is living hell it seems like I can't escape. Life has so little value and I can't express what is truley in my heart anymore it feels like the passion for life is lost forever. I can't escape that horrible feeling that envelopes me all day all night like shivers down my spine like my skin is crawling. It's living hell.

I Think last time this happened sad asvit was I was so strong. Now I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. It's destroying my relationship with my family hitting us all financially as I'm not working. But in hardly living the life. I'm hardly living it up. I'm so weak as I can't stop sleeping and have little incentive to leave the home it's getting more and more serious. I don't want this see anybody over this because it's always the same advice take some of these chin up you'll be ok. Not sure what's next for me I'm supposed to move out of my apartment soon. I really have lost it all. Either way my life will never be the same. It's more then feeling sorry for myself I'm questioning how everything in life works people's motives and what true evil is. The good guys always lose for sure.

Hello Llv, to block her takes courage, she only wants to rub it in to you, you don't need any of this because eventually, she is the one who is going to leave a trail of people behind her and finally find out she has no one, and possibly this might already be happening.

When she did contact you, how do you know what she's saying is true, it's only to bolster herself up but now pleased you have blocked her.

You have yourself to concentrate on and we're here to help you.

Geoff.

Heya Llv,

Heart breaks are a disastrous thing to be healing from, and the grieving process is a painful one to go through as we question a lot of things that comes to mind about life. I can assure you it is normal to be feeling this way, and you'll need as much self-care and self-love to get through this tough time. Surround yourself with friends and family at your own pace (no need to force yourself to see them, just whenever you're ready). Would you consider reaching out to your GP for a referral to a therapist or counsellor who can help guide you thru this painful times you're going through?

Remember why the relationship did not work out, use that to work on yourself, and show her (not literally, just through your self) that you can live on a happy life without her in it. You've done great blocking her, it's the first step to caring for yourself first as you heal through your heartbreak.

Happy to listen to you more Llv, the BB Forums are here for you too

Jt

Just wanted to say thankyou Geoff what you are saying it helps. That's it Hey how do I know what she is saying is true at all I have caught her out on so many lies before. I don't want to see the bad in her but everything that's happened the last two months sure has disrupted my life entirely. I used to train as a powerlifter 4 times pw now I'm struggling to make it there once or twice a week. It's hard to talk about something like this by its nature a lot of people just say you are feeling sorry for yourself so I try to justify my right to talk about it or get help but I sincerely appreciate all the support and understanding I have gotten here. It's still a huge road in front of me. Still don't know how I'm going to hold onto my housing my car or health I really don't know it's so daughting and a huge task in front of me i don't know where to start.

Hello Llv,

First of, thank you for coming on this site and opening up. It does take a lot of courage. I am really sorry for the way you are being treated. Maybe you can sit and weigh out the pros and cons. Get some soul searching done, like are you happy without her? We cannot control how other people act but we can control how we react to their actions. Right now do you think it would be better to take a step back? We cannot make somebody want or love us. Maybe its time to say its not meant to be and move on? There are a lot of others who are out there who would love to meet you. Start going out, getting your life back on track. Surround yourself with people who want to be with you. Enjoy and love yourself.

Ric65

Hello Llv, I lost my last reply back to you, so sorry.

The trouble with her is that she has to try and convince a new person what has happened, but eventually, this other partner starts to wake up and realise what she's actually like, so she will leave a trail of people behind her, so it's not only you who will suffer but other people as well.

You can't change what she says, only the truth will come about in due time and can feel the hardship you are going through.

Can you contact the bank regarding your house/car and see if they can offer a period where your repayments are delayed, so as to give you time to be able to overcome all of this.

We are all behind you and please look after yourself.

Geoff.

I managed to get one more extension on my rental situation. Also I have spoken to the manager at my new job and have discussed exactly what I have been through. It's a gamble as not everybody understands what I have been through. Can see it through my eyes. So I'm lucky to have another chance to start that job next week. My trainning and diet are still suffering I got a long way to go and my reward for doing all this is I still get to walk the parth alone. She doesn't realise how I felt it's so sad when your love goes to waste. But what do you do? Am I really better off in life expierence after going through all this...

Hello Llv, not at the moment are you going to feel better straight away, but quietly you learn going into another relationship the different trigger points that began this and all the rubbish that's she has probably told other people, who may believe her but then understand what she's said is confusing and doesn't add up.

This may not have happened to you before but now it has, it's given you a wide understanding, not that you will benefit from it now, but after it's all finished, there is much you have learnt.

No no one else could possibly understand what you have been through unless it's happened to themselves and even then it may be under different circumstances and see it through their own situation, but they realise it's an awful time for you.

Don't worry about your diet at the moment, it will pick up as you go along and when you become stronger, and even if you had stayed together you could never be sure what she said was true and honest, but now you know and understand how lucky you are.

To overcome this isn't easy because you believed she was the love of your life, but now she is telling someone else what she wants them to hear and vice-versa but only true love can survive any ups and downs.

My best.

Geoff.

Hi liv , and so sorry you have been treated in those game playing ways, she's a real piece of work that one sorry.

l agree with Geoff though and l'd be really surprised if she is in any real happiness so soon and l think you said three different new guys since you split anyway so there it is right there.She's just rebounding and monkey branching and l'd be very very surprised if the latest amounts to anything either. So as hard as it is and hurts, try not to take too much of any of her rants seriously , they're coming from a troubled soul that you can't fix. And as for when you were together , you know in your heart all that stuff wasn't right , a loving partner doesn't do all those things and act like that. Your doing the right thing now distancing yourself from it all and your best to get life going again, you'll get there, baby steps. A real relationship isn't meant to hurt and torment us, none of this was right for you and she's done you a big favor.

Good luck, hang in there, keep doing what you know is right.

rx

Reply to Rx

Mate spot on there.

Im getting stronger by the day. Although weekends and nights are the hardest still in the no sleep zone. But keep stepping. One step at a time one day at a time.

I am glad the ride is over. When I look back at this so called relationship I feel like I have brought something off a door to door salesman. Something shonky what did I expect. I'm now starting to take responsibility for what is going on in my life I can no longer blame her but still walking around feeling like I got a hole in my head I still feel like crap day and night. Just wish it would stop. Life still has very little flavour. Still trying to process in an intelligent mind how I can stop saying not fair when I'm the one spending all my time alone with endless nothing constant cycles of self improvement and she's the one that did all this and her life gets to continue and I pay for her mistakes. I know I'm better then that. Guess it's my last stop getting straight with that fact before I can exit this pile of last few weeks and miserable last 2 months.

A few mths isn't very long Liv , don't ask too much of yourself too soon, it's ok to feel miserable. Sometimes not allowing all that to take it's natural course first will only come back to bite you later on. Atm you need your strength just to get through this and your housing, work and finances sorted.

There could be something in the door to door salesman and love. Being selective about the quality of what we spend hard earned money on usually pays of but we also need to choose wisely the quality of those we love.

Take care.

rx

Hello Llv, the pendulum does eventually change but you have to stop watching it.

Geoff.

You what is hard right now...I am starting a new relationship but still the ghosts of this haunt me and are affecting my new life, it's hard to forget and not to search for the same qualities in my new partner...she has a lot of guy friends...again...how to learn to trust it seems like every girl is surrounded by guy friends these days yet I am always questioned if I spend time with friends that are girls or talk to any of my exs seems like a huge double standard...I give my trust as always...seems like the bonding has been done elsewhere and im just a cuddle toy..yet again I'm wondering where she dissappears to won't reply back for hours at a time...I let it slide as it's very early days yet...so I can't judge but it's a very modern day concept where a girl can meet several guys off an app and pick and choose at a time who is a friend and who is special...hard not to think one mistake and I go down in list. Shouldn't be this way shouldn't be a list at all. But it's way it is. I'm very old fashioned but never expectations never controlling carefull of what I say and do in that regard I would never make you choose between me or your friends but after being burned in a big way before its hard to trust, see red flags. This time around I don't ask certain questions...but at this stage not as interested in the relationship as I had been if I'm unsure about their intentions...it's harder then ever to connect. As I don't drink I do use apps to meet which I'm smart enough to know there in lies the problem itself. But as I don't drink I rarely go out so my options to put myself out there is limited and hate being lonley...it is what it is but kinda hard to know who is genuine these days without putting out the image I'm looking for a commitment straight up...but I would not date somebody with intention to get in friend zone but for me it's hard to block and forget. For some very easy...it's time we live in.

Hi liv.

Have to admit bit concerned this happening so fast and what's this yet more guy friends biz ? How old are these women if you don't mind me asking ? But no man if they can, you can, so if you do have female friends then do not take that double standard rubbish what's good for the goose my friend.

Have you thought about just staying on your own for awhile and being far more selective , waiting for that someone special that also has the qualities and values you have ?

rx

Hello Llv, before you meet someone you're attracted to, they have different friends, just as you might, both males and females, but if she really likes you then most of her male friends slowly disappear in the background, she hasn't shown them, she has decided she wants to go out with you, as probably any of your female friends, past and/or present, slowly fade away into the background.

You learn to develop this relationship the way the two of you want, not by what her friends want to do unless you accept it.

Geoff.

Thankyou Geoff this makes sense to me and what you say is a point of view I have not even thought of. This is really helping me right now so I am glad I have come here.

Unfortunately discussions with this person I was seeing have made this thing break down so suddenly which is a shame. I can't hide my dissapointment where this person choses to be with another 'guy friend' when I am not allowed to even see her on her birthday or nearly a week without seeing her and tells me she is having different 'guy firends' over in middle of night on the nights we are not together. So I am thinking this is an unlucky encounter meeting this person so soon after what I have been through.

In response to Rx comments the people I am meeting are in their mid 30s the same as me. I'm unsure about what you mean by the double standard thing you are saying. There is no double standard on this side I do have female friends but you know kind of don't need to go see them in the middle of the night instead of spending time with somebody you supposably say you are interested in every other day. I can see things for what they are have no problem with people having friends but understand my friend I have seen it go right with no problems and been on the other side of this trust and saw somebody that says they love me break that trust and it has gone the other way the results of which you can read in the above comments.

I will supplement this...the whole reason I am here is I am a totally trusting person but after being through what I have am now having trouble seeing where the red flags lie. I am never the person who would say what you can and can't do there is total respect for freedoms here also the fact that these assumptions also lie under the area of 'control' I am desperate to hang onto my morals and not become 'that guy'...hope this makes sense I just want to be able to trust without being burned or becoming cynical.

Hi liv

l wasn't talking about you obviously but women with a lot of guy friends usually have a very double standard , seen it every time. When it's them with guy friends your suppose to just suck it up or you've got problems. But when it's you with women friends wellll, as l said to you earlier you will usually find she doesn't quite handle that one quite the same as she expects you to handle her guy friends.

I appreciate you saying that it does help but I really feel so driven into the ground by this point.

The last few months have been so hard. The depression has gotten on top of me and It's caused a massive rift between me and my family and now on verge of losing everything I have,I feel like giving up.

I should have moved on by now but I keep falling flat on my face I know everybody else just moved on but I didn't, after all this I don't know what I'm expecting from life now.
Before and after, I would never want to see anybody feeling hurt. At the time for a short while I felt so connected then it all got taken away. It hurt me deeply like in a way I never been hurt before.
I really wanted my past couple of relationships... I just wanted to make everybody happy. I would never wish for this.
I want to start feeling better about life but it is so hard.