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Topic: I think my Dad has been cheating for a long time in the past, should I confront him about it?

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. redpanda13
    redpanda13 avatar
    5 posts
    5 August 2021
    So back when I was a kid, I'm 25 now. I use to often hear my dad talk to another person on the phone in another language in a super flirtatious manner. I couldn't understand that language so I didn't know what he was talking about, but every time he talked like that, my mum wouldn't be around. I was just a kid back then so I didn't think too much about it, just thought it was weird.
    Also when I was a kid back then, I remember one time my mum was making a huge fuss about seeing my dad's phone over some matters but didn't know what matter that was, possibly about his "cheating". Then shortly after, I remember my dad went on a solo trip to Taiwan which was super out of the blue. But then again I was still a kid, so didn't think too much about it.
    Fast forward till I'm around 23, I remember we went on a family road trip. That time, I basically forgot about those incidents as I haven't heard him speak on the phone so flirtatiously in a long time, or maybe I've just been so busy with my own life, I haven't heard him. Then one day on the trip, the rest of my family was downstairs and I heard my dad go upstairs and start to talk in that flirtatious tone again. After that moment, it started to really hit me, maybe he has been cheating this whole time.
    The thing is, I'm still not 100% sure he is cheating, my instincts just tell me he is. These days, I've been so busy with work and my own life so I haven't caught him with those phone calls. At home these days, he acts normal and my mom still seems to like him. He doesn't come home late or go on weird overnight trips.
    There's always this uneasy feeling inside me about this, so I don't know if I should confront him about these past scenarios or just let it go. He's an ok dad overall. I also feel like my mom is already considered a pretty nosy person, so as if she doesn't know what's been up this whole time?
    Any advice or comments are appreciated.
  2. Ggrand
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    5 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Hello Dear redpanda13,

    A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

    I have been thinking about your post.

    You say you’re not 100% sure if he is cheating....you also say that he is a good dad, works then comes home on time and doesn’t do the weekend thing...

    I feel if you do confront him about what your instincts are telling you...you might loose your fathers love, also your mums love, and possibly cause your parents to separate and all sorts of other things that could happen...all because your instincts tell you he was/is cheating....without any evidence or proof...There is so much to think about before you confront your father about what you think he has been doing....

    Not much help I know..these are only my thoughts...I hope someone else calls in here to have a talk to you about some of your options.l.

    My kindest thoughts dear red panda...Please talk here anytime you feel up to it..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
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    5 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Dear Redpanda13~

    I'd like to join Grandy in welcoming you here, a wise move as you may find some differing views to consider.

    I guess the first thing I'd like to ask is why you'd want a confrontation? You said he'd been an OK dad while you were growing up and basically lead a normal life, and further that your mum "seems to like him"

    At the moment, and just about all the way though your upbringing things have been harmonious and you have been brought up to successfully live your own life.

    I've no idea if he was simply flirtations with some people, or did have one or more affairs. Even if you had cast iron proof he was unfaithful I'd still ask what your motives were.

    You say yourself you mum is the inquisitive type and did at least then have access to his phone. Do you think she would have been entirely ignorant, or maybe preferred to allow some straying? Even if ignorant would she be happier having all this brought to light?

    If you do not have proof and are in fact wrong you may plant a seed in your mum that is not deserved, and may harm your relationship with your dad, and possibly even you mum too.

    You may feel it's a matter of truth and justice, or an affront to your mum. However they are both adults and they are responsible for their actions.

    I can only point out a couple of things, you have the decision to make of course.

    There is an alternative, and that is simply to learn from what might be other's mistakes. In your own life, if you lucky enough to have a loving partner ensure your own behavior, no matter how innocent, does not cause your partner to doubt and worry about how faithful you are.

    Please tell me what you think

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. geoff
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    7 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Hello Redpanda, I'm in about two minds with your comment and appreciate what Grandy and Croix have said.

    The only reason I say this is because I knew a chap who was married and had a child, but every few months he would travel to Thailand supposedly for work, but it wasn't, he went over there to meet his Thailand girlfriend until eventually his de facto partner finally found out about what was going on and separated.

    He would often talk with her over the phone when back in Australia, however, I'm not saying this was happening with your dad.

    The concern is why did your mum want to check on your dad's phone, if the trust was is in the marriage she wouldn't necessarily have to do this and even if 'he doesn't come home late or go on weird overnight trips' doesn't stop him from contacting this person.

    I do hope that all is well and mean no harm in what I've said.

    My apologies.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
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    7 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Red panda

    Croix, , Grandy, Geoff have given helpful suggestions.
    You are in a tricky situation for whatever you do you may not feel too comfortable afterwards as you love both your mum and dad.

    Thanks for writing your post.

  6. redpanda13
    redpanda13 avatar
    5 posts
    8 August 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    Thanks for your reply. Yeah, maybe I need to have some confirmed evidence before I confront him. I've been thinking of just casually asking him about those calls but not accusing him. I sure hope my instincts are wrong even though a lot of the times it's right.

  7. redpanda13
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    5 posts
    8 August 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for your reply. Interesting points.

    I guess I want to confront him to find out the truth and to hopefully ease my anxiety. No clue if my mum would want all this brought to light. I was thinking of maybe just asking my dad in private about those phone calls, but no idea how that's going to turn out, or if it'll make my relationship with my dad awkward.

  8. redpanda13
    redpanda13 avatar
    5 posts
    8 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thanks for your reply.

    How did his defacto partner find out about it?

    Yeah it does seem like my dad was talking to some other woman overseas in my opinion.

  9. redpanda13
    redpanda13 avatar
    5 posts
    8 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thanks for your reply.

    Indeed tricky situation I'm in.

  10. geoff
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    9 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Hello Respanda, thanks for replying.

    Well his de facto kept on asking him why he needs to go over to Thailand for car parts, as he had a second hand car business selling cars to the public, where over the past I'd bought a couple of cars off him, plus he used to drink at the pub I managed occasionally, that's how I got to know him.

    He was saying to his de facto that he wanted to buy these car parts, that's why he went over to Thailand, but soon the penny dropped, especially when his girlfriend from os rang the car yard when she was in the office with their baby.

    If you ask your dad, he will probably just make up an excuse.

    You can hide, but you'll always be caught out somewhere along the line.

    My best.

    Geoff.

  11. Positive_vibes89
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    18 August 2021 in reply to redpanda13

    Hello Redpanda13,

    As a person who has experienced a parental divorce because my dad did cheat on my mum, I feel your emotional uncertainty. My best advice to you is to try and keep out of your parents issues. Unfortunately for me I was dragged into my parents messy divorce because my dad told me he was cheating on my mum. I had to hold that horrible secret while I watched mum turn into a emotional mess wondering why dad had left her. It affected my mental health really badly because it shouldn't have been up to me to tell mum that dad was cheating on her. That was my dads responsibility.

    You are their child and you don't need to be involved with all this. I think you shouldn't say anything to your mum. Its best that children keep out if marital affairs as much as possible.

    You're only just making an assumption. If you dont look after yourself, this can really have a toll on you personally. Until this is all confirmed, I would just go on with things as normal. I wish you all the best and take care

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