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Topic: In a long term relationship, speaking to my EX

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. marli_w
    marli_w avatar
    1 posts
    29 October 2020

    I have been in a relationship for 2 years, however before I met my current partner, I was 'seeing' a man on and off for 1 year and 6 months, before I finally put myself first and decided I wasn't happy anymore. 3 months after I ended things I met my current partner.

    While my partner and I are not perfect, have had issues and almost separated many times, I have been very loyal to and content with my current partner for the past 2 years, however the last 3 months it felt like something in me changed, I wasn't happy anymore. My partner has mental illness like myself and can become very hurtful and I would argue abusive during his lows.

    Through my entire relationship, the guy I had been 'seeing' (sleeping with) for a year and a half kept trying to contact me, I had blocked him on facebook, instagram and snapchat by this point. It was only when I created a new snapchat account (to remove all the people I didn't want in my life) that he contacted me again only this time, it felt like I wanted to talk to him.

    Before I spoke to him, or added him on snapchat, I spoke to my current partner about it, he was obviously not happy but understood he might just want to talk. I added him and I was inundated with snapchats and messages from him, I didn't respond to any until later. We ended up having a dry conversation, I realised I wasn't going to get closure, so I unfriended him and told my partner I did so.

    That was until he repeatedly added me back, so I added him back again. This time he was different. So here we are, I'm speaking to him on snapchat, he's been saying inappropriate things and I've been ignoring them, I feel incredibly guilty for A. adding him again, B. Not telling my partner it happened again C. even feeling like I want to speak to him. Wether its for closure or not, it feels wrong.

    I would like some advice on how to go about this, I am speaking to a psychologist about the situation currently and while it's helping, she can't exactly tell me what to do. I need some guidance, I don't want to hurt either of them but my boyfriend comes first. I have a lot of unresolved feelings towards this guy, How do I go about this? How do I let go? Should I block him on snapchat again or tell him I just want to be friends? I feel so horrible. I feel so guilty. I suffer from anxiety depression and suicidal thoughts, this situation really hasn't helped.

    Any kindness and guidance would be appreciated. I know I probably don't deserve it.

    Thankyou.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3685 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to marli_w

    Hey marli_w,

    Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you decided to reach out here to our friendly community. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling unhappy and guilty, and we can hear that this must be a really overwhelming situation for you. Please know that you do not have to do this alone, and there are many in our community who will be able to relate to what you're going through and will understand. Hopefully a few of them will pop by soon to offer you some words of kindness and advice.

    It's great to hear that you've opened up to your psychologist about these feelings, but please also know that support is always available in between your sessions whenever things are feelings overwhelming. The Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or our you can also reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 who are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with. You may also be intersted in reaching out to an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

    We hope that you also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8369 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to marli_w
    Hi, welcome

    What you are feeling, confusion, this tug of emotions, isn't abnormal. In fact it's what many people with kindness experience.

    However, guilt is on another level. You owe your ex lover nothing and as for unresolved issues...most of those would be present as the relationship dissolved and not all issues are ever fully settled. With him being persistent in contacting you on Snapchat, it would feel quite flattering yes? Flattering people churn something within us no matter how content we are with our latest partner.

    I think you need to put a boundary in place for yourself, cut all ties and simplify your life for the sake of minimalising stress for everyone.

    Google this to read about your guilty feelings-

    Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    TonyWK
    3 people found this helpful
  4. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    195 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to marli_w

    Hi marli_w's.

    I though I might see where I can help. When we are in a relationship, we must make sure we give full priority to the one we love. A lot of people make the mistake of subconsciously wondering if the grass was greener with someone they were once with. The thing is, you are with someone and you should be focusing on them. Don't let anything get in the way of the person who you love, make note that what you had with your ex is no longer. It's been two years. Think about what would happen if your partner di this to you, how would that make you feel. Learn to trust yourself and pause for a moment to stop and appreciate who you are and what you have. Do you need to be thinking about others when you have someone special to live you life with.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to marli_w

    Dear marli_w

    OFCOURSE you deserve kindness!

    A bit of guidance when we're in a pickle never goes astray.

    I'm going to give you my perspective on this straight down the line.

    exbf was stalking you.
    You gave in.
    I doubt this is called stalking anymore IDK.... You're in an emotional affair with exbf....

    "That was until he repeatedly added me back, so I added him back again. This time he was different. So here we are, I'm speaking to him on snapchat, he's been saying inappropriate things and I've been ignoring them, I feel incredibly guilty for A. adding him again, B. Not telling my partner it happened again C. even feeling like I want to speak to him. Wether its for closure or not, it feels wrong."

    It's not for closure... this is opening up a can of worms. OPEN-for-sure not closure.

    "I don't want to hurt either of them but my boyfriend comes first."
    A favourite saying 'believe a person's action not words'.

    "How do I let go? Should I block him on snapchat again or tell him I just want to be friends?"
    Absolutely block him.
    exbf shows he DOESN'T want to be 'just friends'.

    The reason why I'm saying this is because of exbf's behaviours AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.....
    "I suffer from anxiety depression and suicidal thoughts, this situation really hasn't helped."

    you feel like you're going down the gurgler because of a bloke like this.... NOT worth it.

    "While my partner and I are not perfect, have had issues and almost separated many times, I have been very loyal to and content with my current partner for the past 2 years, however the last 3 months it felt like something in me changed, I wasn't happy anymore. My partner has mental illness like myself and can become very hurtful and I would argue abusive during his lows."

    I'd speak to a good Counsellor about:
    - exbf's behaviours - BIG red flags
    - the near 2y "itch" you seem to have when you don't feel happy anymore - this could be about many things.
    - current bf being "abusive during his lows".

    I hope you can get some clarity really soon for your own MH and wellbeing marli,

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful

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