Topic: Is giving space to an ex partner the way to go .

I have had a recent breakup after 18 months together, i would lie to try and resolve things.. I am being told that giving my partner her space ie no texts ,calls etc. I had been doing this until the last week or so but the last week there has been phone calls and texts . All very friendly and no animosity involved . Im confused do i just back of completely or continue with the contact. Brett

Hello Brett, doing texts and making phone calls by you or by them is completely different than living with someone, it does enable you not to respond if you don't want to, whereas if you are living together, then you could be forced to communicate with each other, something you may not want to do.

I do this with my ex and we do see each other, but we don't live together, this could be possible as we have both changed, but at the moment she is looking after an elderly person who has dementia.

If you are happy to talk through a text or speak to them by phone then there's no reason why this shouldn't continue, remember you do have the option of not continuing when an issue arises that you didn't agree on before.

If you are happy then do it.

Geoff.

Hi Beaser,

I am assuming from your post that you want to get back with your ex? I suppose by now you can appreciate that lying is not an effective way to resolve things and you will be found out eventually and trust broken, which is the foundation of any relationship. I want to ask, what work have you done or are doing to unlearn this maladaptive coping mechanism? The reason that I ask is, if you haven’t done any work (ideally with a psychologist) to work out why you do this behaviour you will likely quickly revert back to this behaviour when you are under stress and will just repeat this same cycle again if you get back together. I suggest focusing less on wanting to get back with your ex partner and more about addressing this issue so that it’s not a problem in future relationships, whoever that may be with.

Sorry i realise i made a big mistake in my first post . I meant to say i would like to try and resolve things . I left the the k out and said . I lie to try and resolve things . Sorry i m certainly not a liar .

Really sorry Juliet it was supposed to say i would like not lie . I left out the k .I was wondering why you didnt seem that impressed with me.

Hi Brett,

Hahahaha well that is one instance where leaving out one letter makes a big difference to the meaning 😂 Yes I must admit that it gave me the impression that you wanted to get back together but without addressing any underlying major flaws, which seemed doomed for failure. However, now that it’s clear you would like to resolve things rather than lie to resolve things, may I ask why you separated in the first place?

Thanks Juliet yes one simple mistake on the keyboard can cause confusion . At least we can have a chuckle about it now . I guess there were a few reasons , one being that i have a strong connection of volunteering at my local football club which has been like my family in recent years i am keen to continue . My partner has little interest and finds it hard as much as i try to include her.

Another being that she has an elderly father to care for which i accept is her main priority ., i try and help as best i can but it is big job for her. They also have a small farm to look after again i try and help here. Throw in a career change and life stage changes. So she has so much and she basically said that the only thing she can drop is our relationship. I admit i havent been good to be around of late as i have a workplace that i am not enjoying and its getting me down and my own mental health/Depression issues. I know one thing i miss her and wish i had of been better company at times. Feel free to ask anything as im happy to talk about it. Thanks again Brett . Like not Lie .