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Topic: Is it cheating?

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    10 September 2021
    I confess, I snooped on my husbands phone. I know I shouldn’t have but I did and I’m not sorry. I left him a couple of years ago not because I no longer loved him but because I was struggling to live with him. Less than two weeks after I left he started going out with someone else. I didn’t find this out until about 4 months down the track. He told me they were just friends but he did his best to hide the relationship. Anyway, about 11 months later after a lot of conversation we decided that we should give it another go. She had “dumped” him but they still remained friends. Fast forward to yesterday. I found a text from him to her wishing her a happy birthday. And then I found the photos of her and him when they had been going out that he had saved into “stories”. As far as I know she is in another relationship and has moved on with life. I don’t know what to think about this. Does it mean anything? Does it mean he still has feelings for her? Am I just making a mountain?
  2. jaz28
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    10 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62,

    Maybe the best thing to do is to talk to your husband about it before jumping to conclusions?

    Overthinking is a beast, best not to feed it!

    Jaz.

  3. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to jaz28
    In the past I have spoken about it to him. She was sending him emails, sending him late night texts, like everything on his Facebook. It upset me greatly and I told him that. The obvious stuff stopped and for a while I thought they had both moved on. That was until I looked at his phone. I think she has moved on.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Croix
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    Croix avatar
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    10 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dear Sunflower62~

    I can't answer your question exactly, however I suspect if you think she has moved on then things may well be ok.

    It is quite possible to remember someone fondly, though know there is no relationship, it's in the past. As an example I kept one photo of my first girlfriend and it is in the family album, along with thousands of family snaps. My wife knows about her and there is absolutely no way I'd want to be anything other than in love wiht my wife. The photo is not a threat, just a memento from a chapter in my early life.

    It might be worth asking your husband if he would mind getting rid of the material that distresses you. I most certainly have thrown away that photo if I thought it made my wife unhappy. Also not to maintain close contact with her, no happy birthdays for instance. After all you should be his priority.

    I'd also suggest the pair of you work out some sort of open door policy, with both of you allowing the other to look at each phone if they want. Simply looking wihtout permission does sow seeds of distrust with both of you

    What do you think?

    Croix

  5. geoff
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    11 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, I also believe some agreement should be made whether or not looking at each other's phone should be accepted or not, because if you do happen to look at what's on his phone then trust is a question.

    There is the possibility that he may be looking at a site, that's perfectly acceptable, but it's something you have never believed in, and if you find it on his phone, then you might say 'why are you still looking at that rubbish', but it may interest him and not you and does want to hide it from you.

    In regard to these photos, if they are just friends then why would he want to hide them from you, that's the question that needs to be answered, especially as she did dump him.

    Sending her birthday wishes, may or may not be answered and if her new partner found out then how is he going to feel if photos of your husband and her are also sent, however, if I was her partner I would ask her to delete the message and block him from contacting her, as she had dumped him.

    Likewise, I would remind your husband that she did not want anything more to do with your husband and not send her any more texts, birthday or Xmas, it's over.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  6. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    13 September 2021

    It’s complicated but isn’t it always? When I first left him (I left the state), I was happy with my decision. I was looking forward to being able to put me first and do what I wanted to do. Even though I had left we stayed in regular contact via email, Facebook messenger and texting. About 4 weeks after I left I got a message from a friend saying that they had seen him out with a woman and they looked very friendly. I think that’s when my world began to fall apart and I entered a very dark space. I found out who she was. I began stalking them. He had no idea that I knew but he kept denying to me that there was no one. May be if he had of told me the truth things would have turned out differently. I went back home for a long weekend and stayed at our place (he went and stayed at hers). Before I left we had another conversation and he said he still loved me and wanted to be with me. I asked about her and he told me for him it is just a friendship. She is someone to go out with, she is convenient. I now know that she fell madly in love with him and told him this about 3 months after first meeting him. He told her that he thought of her as a good friend. Anyway fast forward to 9 months down the track and I get a job back where he is. I move back, find my own place to live. I let him know and we start talking again. She gets wind of it and dumps him but still wants to friends. I told him that won’t work because of the feelings she had for him and she needs help letting go. He couldn’t see it. She continued to send emails and would text him late at night. She met another guy about 2 months after the dumping and moved in with him 5 months later. She still texting and emailing him. Finally, 16 months after she dumped him I send an email to her to stop and asked her how she would feel if her new man was still texting his ex? She finally stopped. Unfriended and blocked him and me on Facebook. He still has photos of her on his phone. I don’t understand why he needs this? And sending her a happy birthday text (even though he got the wrong date), why would he do this? There is a whole lot of stuff I haven’t mentioned. She is extremely manipulative and did her best to undermine me by playing on his fears. I guess for me there is a fear that he may change his mind. Maybe that’s why I can’t talk to him about this because I don’t want to hear the answer.

  7. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dear Sunflower62~

    I can see your dilemma, I can also see that you have been very active in getting back to where you used to be, with the job, having your partner back and getting the other woman to stop communicating.

    All pretty good stuff, however the feelings of security and being loved that anyone would naturally want are not there. I guess one of the main reasons is that those photos still exist and his motivation in the birthday greeting.

    Given all this may I ask what you realistically think would be a good place to be in? Photos gone and an undertaking not to contact her?

    Maybe an extended effort on his part to make you feel more happy?

    OK if that happened it would of course take time to have an effect that was part believable.

    On the other hand do you see yourself not disc using the matter with him now and being prepared to live in limbo like this, at least for a while? Would that sort of life be worth the uncertainty?

    I'm not trying to suggest one way or the other, both have down-sides.

    I would expect as time went on there would be a good chance he would be more likely to come to terms with no contact and perhaps be quite glad to delete the photos, yes I'm guessing, but it's a possibility.

    The only thing I"d suggest is taking your time and not rush things, however that of course means you have to live as you are now for a while - not a pleasant place.

    What do you think might be best?

    Croix

  8. geoff
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    15 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hello Sunflower, the concern is why does he want to keep photos of her on his phone, maybe it's the possibility of them breaking up, so they can get back together.

    Where does his love stand, compared to a crush he has on another person, however, the majority of us do have a real liking towards someone else, but we know our limits and understand that it's not physically possible, and are allowed to have this crush, but it can only go so far, otherwise it can be a problem.

    Geoff.

  9. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi, welcome

    I've read this and the sound replies and just would like to make one comment.

    When you leave someone it is only conditional if you agree to conditions. Had you both agreed to separate to have a break without dating others with the intention of reuniting, then him dating would have breached that agreement.

    As I see it, the moment you left, he was a single adult with no ties. You really can't put expectations on his movements if you are not a couple. He can and did, as he pleased believing it was over. Often people date on the rebound. He did but to get back together meant his heart is with you. Croixs mention of a photo of one ex GF in his family album is a good example of memories kept.

    However your fear is justified. This is best overcome with keeping him happy and enjoying life together. Not knowing him, that's my best thoughts for you both. Good luck

    TonyWK

  10. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to white knight
    Yes, you are correct. And I had no issue with him with him seeing someone else while we were apart. I went out with a couple of people myself. My issue is that he initially kept the relationship secret, lied to me about it, and then when we started seeing each other again he continued to see/contact her as a “friend”. I didn’t have a problem with him but she was sending texts to him like “I miss you”, “we had something special”, “you want to be careful as she is pushing your friends away”, “I don’t want to see you hurt again when she leaves you again”, “we are friends so you need to tell me what’s happening” etc etc. These weren’t sent in one hit but a trickle over several months. She was doing her best to undermine me. He just ignored her but I wanted him to tell her to back off. During this time she had started going out with another guy. I did ask him to tell her to stop but he kept on insisting that it was just a friendship and she would eventually disappear which is what has happened. He could not see how manipulative she was. He wished her a happy birthday, but 3 days before it was actually her birthday and got her age wrong by saying she was a year older. This was odd because we actually have the same birthdate and are the same age (yes, I know that’s a bit spooky). I don’t know if that was done deliberately by him. I guess what has upset me the most is him a) keeping the photos of them when they were going out and b) actually arranging them in albums. This is what I don’t understand. I don’t understand why, if she meant so little to him he needs to keep photos.
  11. white knight
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    16 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    Thankyou for that clarification. We cant always get all the information onto the first post.

    What seems to be lacking between the two of you is teamwork, a bond of discussion if you like. When we buy a car for example and is in a partnership/marriage, couples often say "lets discuss this over a cuppa" as an example. That's when both of your beliefs/routines/ideas mesh and out should pop- a conclusion for the way forward.

    In this case you both appear to have different ideas on what you do as individuals but not as a couple. During a tea break you can say to him that you would "feel more secure if he stopped any contact with her otherwise it is like she is lurking in the background showing you all sorts of signs that she is available when and if you leave me. That isnt ideal for any partner, what do you think"?

    The trick here is to seek clarity you must ask many questions.

    A partners response to that suggestion is vital to your future. If he refuses for any reason you might need to reassess the situation with him because he is not displaying strong signs of commitment, indded he would be showing less commitment that is ideal for you and thats my message, that we do all have different values but if they are too left and right side, that it is hard to compromise when both are really happy, then your have your work cut out for you to succeed without trauma.

    Finally, in respect to photos in his album of other women he has dated- we all have different views on this. My wife has photos of her ex husband in her album and it doesnt bother me at all. However, in your case you are dealing with a woman that is still having inappropriate contact with him (texts and the words in them) in a manner that tells him she wants him. I think it is fair to discuss often this topic and for yourself to be resolute in what you want and seek a compromise. If that is not possible perhaps a decision has to be made for you to seek a partner that has similar values as yourself.

    Good luck and repost anytime

    TonyWK

  12. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony, I left him not because I no longer loved him but because I was struggling to live with him. At the time I was struggling on a personal front and didn’t feel he was there for me. At the time I felt separating was the best option and for me it was. The distance allowed me to see what I really wanted and needed which was him. I was devastated when I found out that he had “moved” on but I only had myself to blame. When we got back together I asked him what was he most scared of in reuniting. He said he was scared that I would leave him again. I said to him, you need to give me a reason not to. I don’t think he has really taken any responsibility for the part he played in my leaving. It was easier to blame me. He admits he misses stuff, doesnt pick up on cues. There was a part of me that felt sorry for her. I’m sure she is a nice person but she was never right for him. She has moved on. She no longer texts or emails him and hasn’t done so for some months. I guess im concerned he hasn’t. That he would like to keep her on the back burner “just in case”. I know if I was to put this to him he would say I’m being silly. I have wanted to talk about this to him but whenever I try to he evades or avoids it. I’m not sure why and I guess this lends itself to me feeling insecure. I think it’s time for me to let it go and just focus on the now, my needs and what I want. I’ve put myself out for others for so long it’s time to think of me.

  13. Croix
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    18 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dear Sunflower62~

    When talking a bit earlier on about your thoughts during that separation you said

    The distance allowed me to see what I really wanted and needed which was him.

    I'm assuming that is still the case, please tell me if I'm off track.

    To be left by someone is a very big deal, and as Tony mentioned he may have felt he was alone and in a position to seek another relationship.

    Though you are back together, which is great, I'd think that his saying his biggest fear was you might leave again, when taken together with a self-knowledge he does not pick up on things, would give him a lack of confidence, even proper commitment.

    One side effect may be a reminder he did have the ability to find another, hence the photos. A guess on my part I'll admit.

    I would imagine if you both want to be together then you will have to come to an understanding, for example you take into account he may be oblivious to your needs and you may need to be forthright at the time and say "I need ...".

    I find at times I have to ask my partner point blank what the matter is and what I can do. I too often miss what others might find is obvious.

    It will be his reaction to that declaration of your need at the time which may be the pointer towards his commitment long-term.

    To be fair I'd think you might need to ease his fears too. Pardon me if I seem a little blunt but saying "you need to give me a reason not to" does seem a trifle negative and even perplexing for someone who knows they have poor insight. I'd find it hard. Perhaps a bit of encouragement might help. Certainly saying when you were away you found you wanted to be with him would be one approach.

    Please, I'm not critisising your very understandable words, just wondering about about my own reaction in the circumstances.

    I hope this makes some sort of sense -what do you think?

    Croix

  14. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to Croix
    Hi, I hear what you are saying and understand why you are thinking the way you are. We have been in a relationship for 15+ years and we know each other pretty well. Initially he wanted me to take 100% of the responsibility for leaving him and refused to acknowledge the part he played. My saying that to him “he needs to give me a reason not to” is a reminder to him that there is two people in this relationship. We are both scared but we don’t want to go through all the angst again. I know she is no threat to the relationship. She thought he would choose her. I guess maybe that is part of the problem. He has been quite passive. I left him, I decided I wanted to come back, she “dumped” him. I can remember early on in our reconciliation I was staying his place looking after our dog while he went on a business trip and she sent me a text saying “you may think he wants you but does he really want you”. I replied, saying “I’m here and you’re not….it’s hardly rocket science”.
    Maybe I’m just overthinking it.
  15. Croix
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    19 September 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Dear Sunflower62~

    Thanks for being so patient wiht your explanations, you paint a clearer picture now.

    You are of course right, it was the way things were that lead to your leaving, and so it was a combination of two people, not just you, leading up to it. Frankly if my partner left me I'd be looking at myself to see what I was not providing that was needed as well as looking for the reasons inside her.

    Not to have that acknowledgement it takes two is not only frustrating but worrying. Having someone who drifts passively from one life event to another is not somone I'd imagine I could rely upon to 'have my back' when it was needed.

    Perhaps I'm overlooking something, please let me know.

    Croix

  16. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    31 posts
    30 September 2021 in reply to Croix
    Well it’s been a few days. I have been trying not to think about things by keeping myself busy. I know I have been obsessed and need to start letting the things I can’t control, go. He is with me because he wants to be. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be here with me. I’m choosing to believe in myself. ❤️

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