Topic: living alone

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

 

Do you ever feel weird with the neighbours, like his the guy lives on his own, or she just lives there on her own?

They all seem to be coupled up around here.

Once l was helping a friend with her new house , and she said ahh, don't mind the neighbours. And l said why what do you mean , she says oh they all gossip about me , living on my own and all . They're all families and stuff..

l mean l know there's millions of people in any town or city anywhere living on their own , but it does feel weird with neighbours l've gotta admit..

hi Randomx, good post and yes I've been living by myself for 13, 14 years but have my puppie to keep me company.
I once had a border in our own house before it was sold, hated it, everything he touched he broke it, he was deceitful and said he wasn't using drugs but he certainly was.
When I was in hospital after having a seizure he went through all my files, stupid didn't have a lock on filing cabinet but never thought someone would do this, but yes he did, and I knew because he was stating facts that only he could learn about from my files, I soon put a lock on it.
He was a clever chap and could do most things and when he left I'm positive a lot of my tools went with him, the money helped but he was worth more trouble, as he told me that he was breaking into a wreckers yard.
Al my family live in Melbourne or my sons further away so I don't have anyone up here, honestly that doesn't worry me at all and don't have people calling around to see me, maybe occasionally,but all they do is ask question after question, that becomes annoying, so I'd be happy not to see anyone at home, rather I would prefer to go to their place where I can leave whenever I want to, that suits me better.
I do pick up a chap early in the morning three times a week and take him shopping, and my neighbours next door, ( our flats face eachother) but hardly talk with them as they both work.
I also haven't had a partner since the divorce but I'm close to a couple, only platonic, so I'm an old man living alone and loving it, but I have to say that I'm sorry for you. Geoff.

Gday Geoff , and thanks for the thoughts and stuff.

Yknow , it's been very strange , it's really the first time in my life l feel as though l'm at complete road blocks since separated with ex w.

l later met gf and although she gave me a lotta grief with her head issues or whatever they were , she also gave me some of the best times of my life ever and so l suppose l can't really complain. But the thing was also, that we were about 70% long distance and so l was still on my own mostly even though we'd talk one way or another 24 7.

So l feel as though l've been alone 5yrs but really , not quite so , reality more like only the first 2 , and now this bc l've split with gf.

So l guess l can't complain , l've done everything l've ever wanted to in life and lived in differnet states , l've had fantastic times and women , even ex w and l were brilliant for a lotta yrs and so lucky. Of course it's sad that it still went wrong in the end but what can you do.

My family are in Melbourne too and l'm fine with that why we moved here in the first place . l don't have many call around either but l've always controlled that sort of thing as l just don't like people getting too clingy or in my face.

l've got a brother 20mins away and now one of my sisters has moved up here too also 20mins away. He has everyone up , bit of a people person and he has some weird part time thing with his gf so his alone a lotta of the time, think he likes whatever company he can get. But that helps me because he keeps the family outa my face haha.

The sister would be over here twice a day if l wasn't careful so l had to kinda back her off a bit.

l'm not really a neighbour person but l have been lucky in the way that l usually end up with just one , that l become friends with and get along well, but l've usually moved in the end. Don't think much hope of that here though, don't fit in tbh.

Anyway l'm really glad your content with thing Geoff , great stuff, that's all that matters in the end whatever we do isn't it.

Thanks again mate , all the best.

RX.

I've lived alone for two years after leaving my partner of 11 years. Like you I struggle with living alone at times, but I've identified that it's the fear of loneliness rather than actual loneliness that really freaks me out. But there are also a lot of positives like you mention, I love coming home to a peaceful environment and having what I want for dinner and watching whatever tv shows I want without someone constantly on at me. I also try and get out for walks of an evening in my suburb as there are quite a few restaurants around and it just feels nice to be amongst people. Perhaps some hobbies of an evening? I've looked at going to a pottery course of a Tuesday evening and that may help broaden your horizons.

Hi Juliet.

yeah,it's aweird life after marriage isn't it. Gotta admit , now that lve had some freedom ,l could happily settle into a couple life again now.

l have a bit of that fear now too, for sure. it doesn't seem to be an issue for a lot of people but l do feel it.

l am thinking about getting back into hobbies and even last wkend l made a point of undusting the canoe and went out rowing , bloody beautiful. But over all l just don't feel like doing much. l've just lost total interest in just about everything lately. Mind you l have just split up with gf and having some major ups and downs in all that . So glad l went canoeing though , def' wanna get back into that if nothing else. The sound of the water passing under the boat as you row , is just damn beautiful.love it.

l wanna get a couple of parrots too and train them up to come in and hang around the house.

Geoff was talking about his housemate he had , well l ran an add last wk, hopefully l don't get that guy eh.

l dunno if l'll do it , but l've got people looking, maybe if the right one was to come along

Hey randomx,

i understand the loneliness. I have kids but when I first separated and they'd spend the weekend with their dad I hated it, thought I just couldn't live like that but now I enjoy my alone time. I don't get much of it nowadays but I've adjusted. I like my own company, doing my own thing. I don't onow if I could live with someone anymore. Maybe I say that cos my kids are around but I crave time by myself.

im awRe of your other thread and what you've been through. Hopefully you just need time to adjust. I do hope you find some peace.

cmf

Hey RX

This is a really great/important post

I have been living alone for......ummm...a while now and it can be isolating even in the burbs...I have a friend that says hello and keeps me company when she can every few weeks which is nice.....

Despite the loneliness I have no choice but to focus on the benefits of flying solo at the moment....

Let me organise those benefits RX...

Paul

Hello all.

Loneliness... I dont mind my own company but sometimes its not easy being alone. Iv been single but id miss fighting over the tv programs and remote control.

Im retired now, we moved 2 yrs ago to a new area so home alone all day. I used to work at the op shop, make jewellery for the markets. I cant see to drive anymore so i cant sing at nursing homes or help at the shelters.

Yesterday i sat down once more and thought how it'd be nice to chat over a cuppa, even once a week to break the loneliness.

Iv tried many times since we moved here, to invite neighbours over for morning tea but they keep to themselves. Yesterday, 2 years after my joining "Nabo" a club member called inviting me for coffee? A real coffee !!

I luv kayaking on the lake on the weekend lying back watching the ducks during the weekend but i still have five whole days alone time during the week and H has 12 more years to work.

My raised vege garden bed is on lay-by..maybe some of you would like to help me get it up and running, or set one up yourself.

meercat xx

Ahh don't worry CM , when l was married l would've killed for this much time alone, just goes to show really , never know whats around the corner eh.

l do miss married life now , l've come more to terms with settling down to that type of thing better lately , 5 yrs of relative freedom has given me the breather l desperately needed . l often use to think man just wasn't built to be married , or maybe that was just this one . but anyway l'd probably do much better at it now.

eXCEPt l think if l kerp this going much longer l could start getting very very use to it so l'll have to watch myself haha. lt's funny ,lnever realyl thought about enjoying my own company but my whole life l have spent a lot of time along , even though l've rarely been single.

evne BAck in school l had friends but l was often alone , on purpose. Still do it now, keep people at arms length , further / Abti like Pails situation though right now, one brother drops in for while here and there, one or two other people might drop in about something now and then but a quick yack and their off and l won't be arguing about it either. That's not the kinda company l miss or am that fussed about .

Funny meercat , even though l'm not really a neighbour person , most places l've lived l've just happened to meet one in particular where we become good friends.Don't think that'll happen here though , 1 l'm too different to local people here so far but 2ndly yeah same , they all seem to be steering clear of me. But l'm not too fussed , nothing in common with them mostly from what l've seen anyway. They know l'm not one of them.

Hey RX,

live noticed a few times in your threads that you're concerned about getting used to being on your own. I wonder, what are you worried about? If you enjoy it, like your own company, like being on your own and having freedom then I don't think you need to worry about getting used to it. There are no rules that say we must be with someone, that we can't enjoy being on our own. It can get lonley and can be nice to have company but it's not everything.

What do YOU really Want?

cmf x

Eh CM.

yeah ,l know , l do say that a lot but really l only mean it in a bit of a humorous way really because in the long run yeah , l would prefer to settle down with someone again one if these days now.

Hi randomx,

Thanks for your post.

Hmm interesting thread you got going here!

Well to answer your question, when I first lived alone it was well, confronting. Incredibly weird and full on to be fully alone. I was so used to things always being routine; from people coming home, to what was on TV, to shower times, bed-times, etc. All of a sudden none of those things existed, and I got to make the rules. I lived in a pretty strict (understatement) household so it was probably more full on for me than other people, so it really took some time for me to try to adjust to that.

I think there's a big difference between being 'alone' and being 'lonely'.

Are there times that you can pick when you're alone but not feeling lonely? Like how you can enjoy your own company, or get lost in the moment? Yes - a big part of loneliness is being with people, but I think it's also about learning to be with yourself without that nagging feeling.

One of the things that's interesting about loneliness and might be worth thinking about is that it's often a blanket covering other stuff; so maybe it's that feeling of being wanted, the grief from being out of a previous relationship, the longing for someone else, the sadness of having to sit with your feelings instead of being distracted by them, the shame because you think you shouldn't feel this way, etc. Get curious.

You might also find this article handy - https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201702/living-loneliness

Hope this helps,

Hi rom and thanks forthe thoughts and the link.

Mines pretty simple though, l'm just missing the partner and the connection , the life.

But yeah , l know all the worst times and content times . Not much we cando about anything though right now until we see what life throws at us next l suppose.

Meantime l suppose we take whatever nice living and times that we have and find and roll along l guess eh. Try to do and live the things we enjoy as much as we can . or something like that.

Hey RX

My apologies for my brief post the other day....

I dont blame you for missing your partner....the pain is awful. I was dumped in early 2015 by my ex and it hurt really badly....it was agonizing...

There is nothing I can let you know except that the power of distraction can be awesome when we have hours to 'burn'....seriously....

I get really lonely even now...2 years later....and it still hurts...big time...

If you want to know what I did to stem the crappy feelings....you are always welcome to ask anything you want

My Best as always RX

Paul

Gday Paul mate , and thanks again.

Nothing to apologize for though hell a hello's good enough sometimes.

l;m sorry about your sitch , remember you saying, damn.

admittedly things are biting right now , bit of a down turn buttttt, what can we do., don't think l can go back..

But hell yeah man , l'd love any tips you have , whatever puts a smile on the dial or whatever so if your comfortable talking about things please, feel free.

l've been thinking about house sharing , this damn place is too big. TBH , l dunno if l'll doit but l ran an add and have had a few people through so far.. No one l'd wanna share a house with yet .The money would sure help but l dunno , it's jus going of the slight chance that somebody who's style and living might gell with mine comes along is all, which l doubt but l'lls ee who turns up.

It's been a big thank you but no thanks so far, just finished sending out textes to people that have shown up so far , last wk.

Couldn't even imagine sharing a house with any of them so far buttttt, l'll let the add run , never know someone suitable might turn up . Not too fussed either way it's just on the off chance.

Two women too so far , dunno if l'd wanna be sharing with them though so they got the old message too.

Doubt l'll do it but if the right one was to turn up , a slight maybe. Especially if they like cooking and loud music. Csan't cook fo save my life.

One of the problems l struggle with in my head and this is sorta how l mean l worry about myself.

Is that the house l've bought and it's position and views , is just really beautiful living . Sounds like a great problem riight. lt's the last house edge town, looks out over beautiful farm land from all the front side, can't be built out, all zoned rural. Yet l live in a street on the corner with town and neighbours on the other side. Yet you can think your totally out living on acreage from the front side. It's a really really unique set up and situation and one of the things l loved about the place to buy it.

Acreage living , in town. lncredibly peaceful, beautiful to wake up to every day , day after day, the nights are gorgeous, afternoons are gorgeous, l've lived in some nice places and set ups but this one is right up there. The feelings, just airy and openess, views across all the farmland straight out the front door just flows all through the house day in and out and gives it a beautiful peaceful feel all through and never claustrophobic , even if your home days on end or it's storming and pouring outside , front door wide open, deck, beautiful farmland right outside the door. Play music as loud as you want day or night, neaighbours are sorta at the back, can't hear a thing.

So it's an extremely chilled, airy, roomy and comfortable to just exist and hermit away if your not careful, day in and out, neighbours don't even see or know your home or disturb you in any way.

Problem , l'm becoming hermit , it's so damn comfortable and airy and peaceful, l have to push myself to even bother with anyone or anything or to even get out of the property and outa of the house for awhile.

More and more ,l really really have to push myself to bother. l might be alone at home but it;s just all too comfortable and easy and content just living and roaming about and to not even bother with anyone or thing else.

But what happens to you if you just allow yourself to go on like that. That's the scary part.

or do you just go on living the way your just content too right and to hell with it.

Although the town can be a really vibrant little place down through the shopping area weekdays , saturday mornings ,there seems to be absolutely nothing else going on much , ever.

l don't think l've even heard any music playing in not one house, ever.

If you go out walking 10 or 11, nothing, few lights on , nothing else , no life or action or even people up anywhere it seems. Although there's probably plenty home up watching tv or something l guess but nothing else. 3 pubs , mainly just filled with older local men , even saturday night , no life.

Sooo , all that makes ou even more inclined to just hang around home in your own little world.

l try to make myslef get out some where at least one day of a wkened. or l wouldn't do anything at all. And it'd be really really easy not to too.

l also do a bit ofrunning around through the week , food, shopping or work things, up to the main town or other towns but l really have no inetrest and it's all too easy to just stay home and domy thing.

But if l do that , surely life will just end up passing me by..

Hey Juliet

I think what you said resonates with me. I don't know if it's actual loneliness or a fear of it. I've adjusted to living on my own and enjoy it because I've been able to do what I want and watch what I want but what u said sparked my interest and is what confuses me. You said that you can do what ever with out anyone on top of u. Is the point of being in a healthy romantic relationship finding that person that isn't going to be on top of u? I feel like that like at the end of the marriage I may not have a romantic relationship again coz in the end it felt like I was living with a best friend or a house mate and not my wife.u biggest thing is feeling lost and not knowing what to do when I come home.

Gday james , yeah , l hear ya.

And on a side note just to anyone l'm sprry if l repeated things through the thread but the thing is , the longer l live here the more those kinda features about it all just keep blowing me away.

But yeah your right james , right person you don't feel that so much. my ex w was brilliant like that in our first 10 ro 15yrs, but then she seemed to get a bit neurotic or something and be in my face everywhere anytime , so it sure depends on your partner. But the right one yeah , and that's one thing l'm really struggling with, l really miss it.

My gf ,after divorce , was also great like that, we were just so into each other that we'd hardly be separated around the house. Some people will bug you like that but others will just gell.

l miss it all.

l try to get out or do something at least one day or night of the week end. When you work from home and aren't into friends in your face coming and going all the time, it's like you better at least make some effort or you'll become a hermit.

Daughter had stuff on so l worked in the morning and went over to my brothers for a drink after lunch. it's a nice little 40k cruise over to his town from here, l like that drive.

We sat around on his deck and had a few beers , watched a storm . Today l'm doin nothin , bit of tv , computering, 1/2 thinking of loading up the conoe and coing over for a paddle about, maybe not though, can't really be bothered. That's a 60k drive each way otherwise l'd probably be sitting in it right now.

In the divorce forum l was in for a while , there was a saying.

"Be still"

Although in that forum it was referring to everyone there and their divorce the were going through , l wish l could just relax mentally in life right now too.

lt meant just relax , ease your mind, try not to think or worry , just for awhile, try not to fix everything , try not to try , just be still , let your self be calm.

l haven't thought about that saying for a couple of years now since l left the forum.But it's come back to me over the weekend and got me thinking that maybe that's just what l need to do more of right now. l also got to thinking that it might help a lot of us here actually.

anxiety , depression , or feeling our lives are messed up and we just wanna fix everything , thinking thinking, almost 24 7 sometimes.

maybe we need to just be still. for at least awhile.

l suppose thats what meditation would be about , not sure l've never done it.

But l think l might find it somewhere and join up, give it a try. l have a hard time being still without a nudge , maybe it'll help.

The fiirst thing comes to mind though with meditation, is sore knees. l've never been able to sit cross legged , kills my knees. Better hope they have other ways of siting during meditation or it's could be a pretty short class.

Hey RX

Always a treat to see you on the forums and your help on other threads too of course

You mentioned the ability to be 'still'...that is such a good point.....I have been practicing that for a long time and slowly getting there...

RX mentioned "We sat around on his (brothers') deck and had a few beers , watched a storm" I Wish!!

We also have the inability to sit cross legged without tearing tendons RX...I hear you there....ouch!

When my ex and I split up in Jan 2015, I was a wreck....It took me a few months to get myself 'grounded' again.

Just for me I used to nag my GP during this 'empty' time and she was a real gift. All I know is that I felt a lot better after I left the clinic than before I went in......Just a thought

Its a rocky road.....the potholes can hurt big time RX

My Best as always

Paul

Hi James,

I'm glad that what I said resonates with you, although sorry that you struggle with it too as it's a horrible feeling. I agree that if you're in a healthy romantic relationship, space to breathe and feel free is probably a normal state, although I came from a fairly volatile relationship and felt like I could never get any peace, it was always something and the place felt so small it was like the walls were sticking to me sometimes.

Gday paul , always great to hear from you, same mate and thanks for that.

l did try the gp when l was going through my divorce but for me unfortunately it was pretty mixed.

So you know about being still ,.

mate can you teach me or give me any guidance in it.? Only if you wouldn't mind and your up to it.

l really just don't know how to shut myself up to be honest .but l feel if only l could for even just a little while each day , it'd really make a huge difference.

ps , ahh , no wonder my knees don't like me sitting cross legged.

Hey RX

It's difficult to be still when we are in pain. I used to overthink so much after my split with my ex

Sometimes the mental anguish was that bad I used to distract myself with various activities like landscaping and working on different ways to make a great mixed CD using the PC to overlap tracks.

Just for me I used to watch the Simpsons to give my brain a break...people may laugh at this but it dumped the negative sad thoughts I had at the time

Omg it's hot

I hope your day was good to you RX 😀

Paul

gday paul , just doin the rounds haha.

nah mate wouldn't laugh at the simpsons at all and you know what , bout the only thing switches me off is music or a good dv.

my daughters bf is doing me a key right now with all these full seasons of my fav shows, can't wait to get my hands on that puppy.

The music mixing sounds like a great distraction.

oh yeah crikey , hot , sick of it already. we need that drink on my deck mate and as a matter of fact , there's new storms coming over here right now thank god. so l don't think we're gonna get those 30s tomorrow , prayin anyway.

Here's to a cool one eh.

all the best

rx

Hey RX

Your daughters bf is a legend for doing that RX....what a legend!

What are your favorites that you are hanging in there for?

Mine.....

• CSI Miami...even though CBS cancelled it
• The Simpsons....gotta love it :-)
• Family Guy....sometimes....the black humor can be a pain though....I love Brian the dog....a crack up!
• Law & Order Criminal Intent....a 'smart' show
• Lost in Space.....dont laugh RX....I was a kid when it was in prime time

Cheers RX....to a cool one

Paul

Yeah he is isn't he eh. Hopin to get it back this wkened. They gave it to me once already done but some shows wouldn't play so he has to redo do them different or something. d was just telling me tonight she fire him up tomorrow , eeh haa.

lost in space eh , god that was embarrassing watching that show wasn't it it but yeah l use to sneak it in too . haven't heard that one for a long time mate.

ahh l'm waiting on penny dreadful , vamp diaries, the latest vinnie diesle, 6 l think it is , few other things , gonna be lots of surprises on these for me d reckons, she has similar tastes and rounds up great stuff , well for yours truly anyway haha.

we had some seriously beautiful storms here tonight are you getting them there ?

Hey RX

The storms have been great....and then some! Heaps of rain here near the bay.

The BOM radar loop crashed a few times as there were a few thousand people (like me) seeing what the weather was going to do next...

Its working now and Houston...we have a problem....More mega rain on its way....soon...The link below...

http://www.bom.gov.au/products/IDR023.loop.shtml

Just for a laugh....'Lost in Space' budget was $130,000 per episode..........in 1965......(Big Bucks)

Vin Diesel is a weapon....The Fast & Furious franchise is a classic set of movies....The only one I havent seen yet is 6 too...I think. The last one I watched was when Paul Walker died as a passenger in the Porsche in between shooting the movie (off the set)...that was sad RX

Paul