A lot of reflection last few days , l know typical at a time like this. Could be an incoming rant.
But l dunno. l feel l've made a real mess and ended nowhere 5yrs later. First we got divorced, l think it was best. But l took 3 or 4 yrs to myself cleared my head, didn't get reinvolved or go looking. l thought if there's ever gonna be someone new which l wasn't sure l even wanted , then one more relationship , that's it.
Well , in shear coincidence, l met ex gf, 51/2 yrs ago. The most mind blowing thing for us both we'd either ever ever come across. We both thought this was what it was all for , we are why life happened, so we'd meet now , like this . Our divorces happened at exactly the same time so we were both in the exact same place as well. Unfortunately though she had to go back to the states for work and it became long distance. l don't know on reflection, if it was frustrations of being so far apart and a future, or if it was her. But things started showing and most would've handled frustrations of long distance and only seeing a other 3 times a yr until we could work life out, differently, for sure.
At any rate , this gift from the Gods we'd felt was so incredibly bestowed upon us, didn't work out. She'd get angry say a lot of stuff, stuff in time l just couldn't turn the other cheek too. Maybe l should've allowed , maybe l should've let her get it out and just been there , l don't know and still wonder , coulda shoulda. ???
That's it for me for sure, lf we don't patch things up l am done done done with this crap. But low and behold , next minute gf now come along, it was different, not really the mind blowing thing of ex gf, more subtle . But we soon found this really steady and beautiful thing about us. But she wanted to dive straight in , move in and go for it, and l just couldn't so soon and so we kept visiting and staying a mth or two a time , bc she was up in Sydney at the time.
12 mths later or about, her troubles started , and we know the rest.
Sooo, 2 failed relationships . when l swore 1 more and that's it. 2. This is all so unlike me, l was always so lucky and very choosy in love, never ever one to waste my time or hers. But now at this age l somehow manage this and here l am.
You know , it doesn't feel right. None of it is me. This isn't where l'm suppose to be, l know it. Even the cards are saying it.
Where to from here. Have l done wrong ?