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Topic: Lost myself trying to please husband

19 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    27 July 2020
    Hi, I was a bit hesitant to reach out at first but feel its necessary now. For the past 15 years i have been married to a person who only knows how to suck my energy and I have till now done whatever i could to please him to avoid his anger and feared confrontation. This means I dress the way he wants me to do, say things that he loves to hear and talk to people he approves of. He even decides where i go and where i cannot go. I am now sick of it and feel i have unconsciously given my power to someone who is not even worth it. I am now realising what happened all this time where i was forced to do so many things by being blamed and shamed. I was miserable yet i did things so that he is happy. I would like to know if someone else has a similar experience like me and how did you deal with it. I am now focussing on setting boundaries and also trying to figure out what i want and what i like.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    424 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali

    Welcome to the forums, we appreciate you posting and we are glad to be a part of your wellbeing journey.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner has been letting you down and overwhelming you for so long- that must be frustrating and isolating. However, I'm happy to hear you are setting boundaries up and communicating with him about you feel- that sounds like a productive step towards the happy and healthy relationship you deserve. Taking back your power and figuring out what you like and want from life with him is a brave thing to do, and make take some time. We can listen to your experiences on this thread, and you can find the community here too. What has been one breakthrough you have had so far, or one thing you have learnt or achieved so far?

    We'd love to hear if you like to share!

    Tay100

    1 person found this helpful
  3. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to Mmali
    Hi Mmali,

    What you are going through falls into the category of emotional abuse and isn't acceptable.

    He has had a hold/ power over you for all these years and I'm so excited you want to take your power back.

    You said, " I have unconsciously given my power to someone who is not even worth it." Can I ask, is it really worth staying?

    I would assume that it would anger him and ruffle his feathers if you were to assert your own wants and needs against his power/authority.

    I'd give 1800 respect a call. ( Domestic violence line) They are trained in this sort of abuse and give excellent advice.

    You are worth liberty and freedom from this sort of man. You don't deserve this.

    I hope you can let we know what you think and how you go.
    2 people found this helpful
  4. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hi Tay100 & Monkey_magic

    Thank you for responding. Yes it is frustrating when you have to do things against your will. I was always out to please everyone and put other peoples need before mine. I wanted everyone to be happy with me but now i realise that in pleasing everyone i denied my self a lot of things. To start with I was always keen to study and did my masters after getting married. I was mentally totured during the time i was trying to finish studies. My husband would tell people that he only likes to study things thats relevant. That was a sarcarstic comment but i let it go as i didn't see any point in arguing. There are so many other things that I wanted to do but felt restricted. My mother in law would say things that would make me confused and upset later on but i kept my silence. Now I am slowly being more mindful of what people say and what they mean. One good thing that has happened since i have started setting boundaries is I feel i have space in life. I feel as if i am about to set myself free. All this time i was worried of "what if" question e.g. what if my husband leaves, what if he shames me and so on. Now i feel free of all that. I feel its my life and I can live it the way i want.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3263 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to Mmali
    Hi Mmali.

    You have strength! It sounds like you weren't only getting grief from the husband but from the mother in law as well, a double- whammy.

    Congratulations on doing your masters!

    You've said a lot of great things in this post which demonstrates self awareness and growth;

    * I'm slowly being more mindful of what ppl say and mean

    * I've started setting boundaries

    * I have space in life

    * I'm about to set myself free

    It really sounds like you have become stronger and grown a thicker skin, turned a corner.

    Off course you can live the way you want!



    2 people found this helpful
  6. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic
    Thanks Monkey_Magic. I have come a long way and overcome so many negativity, depression and being constantly let down. I was naive and believed what i was told and never questioned. Theres a lot to learn but I am ready for it. I am ready to stand up and say what I feel is right. Thanks again for taking time to write.
    4 people found this helpful
  7. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    424 posts
    28 July 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali

    We are happy to hear that you feel free and unrestricted as you say. What got you there? What are some of the things you did that worked for you? These are the things that can be great to recall in challenging times. We can also support you as you continue your journey :)

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Lillipilli80
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    Lillipilli80 avatar
    25 posts
    29 July 2020

    Hi Mmali,

    Thanks for sharing your story. It's one that I think may resonate with many. In an attempt to show love it sounds like you did what you thought (perhaps this was the example you were showed growing up) would also return love. Giving and giving until there is nothing of the 'real' you left. That sounds painful, but you have showed such insight to be aware that this is what happened. That's really brave.

    Keep going, keep being true to what you know is right for you. The first person's respect you need is your own. Maybe you choose to try and work through this with your husband or maybe its to leave. Either choice is a powerful one made by you.

    Keep going and big hugs.

    LP

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hi Tay100

    What got me there is my mindset and my realisation that if i don't respect and look after myself then i am not setting a good example for my daughter. I don't want her to grow up thinking that mental abuse is okay. I want her to stand up for her right and the only way she will learn is by seeing how i respond to such situations. Now when i look back i feel I was so silly and stupid for pleasing everyone else and feeling drained all the time. Some things that are working for me is being able to say no with zero guilt. I used to feel so bad if i said no to someone for something they asked me to do. Now i don't have that guilt feeling and I guess its a change in my mindset. I only say yes to things i have time for and want to do.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to Lillipilli80

    Hi Lillipilli,

    Thanks for your message. I appreciate it. Yes i am trying to work it out and I hope my husbands mindset would change soon. I don't blame him for the way he is. It is the way he was brought up. The culture is such that boys are regarded as superior to girls and hence they can do or say anything and get away with it.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1631 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali

    Wow congratulations for seeing what was happening, being in tune with how it made you feel and then DOING something about it all.

    Boundaries are so important.

    Indeed what you've experienced is part of Domestic Violence as pointed out earlier.

    I completed an awesome Course (quite gobsmacking in fact) called "Breaking Free" for women living / leaving or had left DV relationships. It was offered through our local Women's Health Centre and is free.
    I thought I had an idea of DV but boy there was mountains I had no idea about whatsoever (financial abuse, coercive control, the use of "minions" like yours and my mother in laws and more etc).
    My jaw was on the ground for most of the course lol!
    It was HIGHLY Educational.
    It was facilitated by 2 Counsellors who had been trained in DV.
    There was a 2 appointment "intake" process and if you are unable to attend the group setting (which I highly recommend) then it can usually be undertaken 1:1 after hours.

    There are further courses to help us AVOID falling into the same trap next time. One is called "The Shark Cage" lol.

    I found it a very dangerous time when I began setting boundaries (esp over my money) and becoming more "free".

    Bestest wishes
    EM

  12. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    424 posts
    3 August 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali

    Thanks for checking back with us; your realisation of setting boundaries, saying no when you need too and setting a positive example for your daughter is a great moment of growth that will surely resonate with others. This mindset is key, what are some things you can do to keep in this positive headspace?

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Ecomama

    Thanks for your encouraging words. I am interested in doing the course. I googled but couldn't find any courses . Is it provided in certain areas only?

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hi Tay100

    Things i am practising at the moment and hanging on strongly is my boundaries. I had no boundaries before and often had to put up with people who will say or do nasty things and i would let it be that way. I realised i have to teach people how to treat me and how i respond to them is one way to get the message across. Before i always felt i shouldn't argue/disagree with people or give my thoughts because i feared they might get upset with me. In doing so i forgot that i myself was miserable. I now realise that there will still be people around who will be ready to take full advantage of you if you make yourself available and cannot say no. Learning to say no is a skill which i am slowly developing.

    Besides boundaries i am also doing some meditation. It helps me relieve stress and enables me to be more mindful.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Tay100
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    424 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali

    Ohhh meditation sounds fabulous, I hope that becomes a long term solution for you- any particular kind of meditation?

    Saying no can be hard but it can be the right and healthy thing to do- even if we need to say no to something we used to say yes too, to save someone's feelings or would like to do but probably shouldn't for our own good. If it ever gets hard saying no or setting new boundaries (or keeping them in place), we can guide you through it.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    151 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali.

    Yes. I personally experienced something similar, so have a lot of people. You may be experiencing a lot of contempt towards your Husband. What can you do? First step is to identify what is making you feel the way you do and then to find the most plausible solution. Remember, that when you give in to others, you end up literally giving up control. Learn how to take the control back (it must be balanced) and to understand that you don't have to let anyone treat you poorly. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way and from the sounds if it, you have allowed yourself to be treated this way for a long time. You also need to take responsibility for your wellness and not blame your Husband for the way you have allowed him to treat you - you own that more than anyone. Time to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Only you can do that. Try viewing your situation as it is, not hat you want it to be. You have a lot of contempt for your Husband, it takes two to tango and if you have enabled someone to treat you poorly, that can have a negative effect on your wellness.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Mmali
    Mmali avatar
    10 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to Jsua

    Hi Jsua

    Sorry to hear that you experienced something similar. You are right about allowing myself to be treated poorly. It was ME who gave my power away and let others control me. I wish i had known this before. I am focussing on myself now and trying to do all those things that I didn't do cause of my fear. Its a long way but I'm taking things slowly.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1631 posts
    4 August 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hi Mmali, welcome back! It's so nice to see so many people offering their kinship over your situation.

    Mmali said:

    Hi Ecomama

    Thanks for your encouraging words. I am interested in doing the course. I googled but couldn't find any courses . Is it provided in certain areas only?

    I would Google "Women's Health Centre (insert suburb and/ or nearby suburbs)"...
    They will have a number to call and ask about ANY Courses to do with DV.
    I live in NSW and the "Breaking Free Course" is even part of Court Orders for some people to attend... so it's especially Government approved and supported. It's brilliant.
    You can phone and ask for a Counsellor to call you back to talk about this Course. It's the 1st one in a series here.

    I would expect that if you are not in NSW then very similar courses would be offered through similar centres in your state.

    Due to covid being a particular issue in some places, maybe these Courses are being held 1:1 or via secure face time apps etc.

    I believe the 1800RESPECT helpline would know all about all of this. Omg this line has been heaven sent to our family. Have full confidence in their ability to help you. They are freaking awesome lol.

    Please understand that Women's Health Centres are particularly sensitive to protecting you. They will NOT ever tell partners what women are doing there. They check all the time whether you have a secure line etc.

    IF you have a secure email address (H doesn't know password) then you can ask to be on their email list for what's happening there.

    You are amazing.

    EM

  19. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    151 posts
    7 August 2020 in reply to Mmali

    Hello Mmali.

    Good to hear that you've responded. People always believe that things are naturally more difficult that they are. Nothing is ever too difficult. You can still have the best life with your husband. Have you ever actually thought to yourself "could things have been different with my Husband?" Defiantly! …….and they still can be but you need to want to make things better. If you have a dead battery, do you replace the battery or do you go out and buy a brand new car? Fix those little things that can improve you lifestyle, improve your wellness and give yourself a more rewarding and prosperous life. Life is just too short. :) - happy face.

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