Good afternoon dl23
I'm sorry you're feeling lost and sick, it's a very confusing time, please try to do things that care for yourself.
This may sound excessive and might not help you but during this time, I showered in the morning and afternoon. I went swimming alot... I imagined the water cleansing my thoughts and used lots of nice smelling things in the shower.
No matter what, doing this made me feel a whole lot better.
I'd better say right now that during the separation under one roof, I was not seeking legal advice at all. Trying to work out my head ofcourse... look after the kids in a 'separated way', work, move stories from upstairs to downstairs etc.
So even though many things are similar, many others are way different also.
What you say you want is not unreasonable to a reasonable person ie to be able to talk to W.
But what I understand is happening is 'coercive control' from W.
Some people call it being 'passive aggressive'. I prefer the former description as more apt.
The more uncomfortable W can make life for you under one roof, then the sooner W thinks she'll have her way.... sell and be out for good. (Sure she feeds you kibbles when it suits her, this is much like training a dog and is disgusting human behaviour but narcissists do it as a way of controlling another human). You may be experiencing the effects of 'narcissistic discard' which is horrible form of abuse. You can Google it and see if it feels like that.
If you can get your head around THIS stuff then your 180 may be more firm.
And you will pretty much not care what W does or doesn't do.
Getting to a place where you feel "meh" about W and the situation is the goal ie to feel nothing. Not love. Not hate. Nothing.
If you keep hoping for any thing from W, EVEN a conversation or hot drink or her to do your washing or anything.... nup, you still have expectations so you will still be hurt.
W cannot control YOU but you can also not control W.
I think the 8 point email content would have been better said a LONG time ago.
I think W will see it as coercion because W IS BEING COERCIVE.
If this is Ws only modus operandii then they "project" ie they think THEIR way is the only way so you must be doing that to manipulate her. In a way it's true. you want to manipulate her into talking with you at least and W will see this and react I predict by her past behaviours.
"We judge other people's actions by our own intentions" is what Stephen Covey says and it's so true.