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Topic: May have been in an emotional affair, feeling used and stupid

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. S1980
    S1980 avatar
    4 posts
    12 October 2020

    A married man from my child's school recently befriended me. I was foolish enough to think he was a genuine friend, 4 months of daily chats, weekly meet ups.. fell for all his compliments and lines.Because I wouldn't cross the line our chats were just friendly.. I really enjoyed having someone to talk to and didn't realise what an emotional connection I had with him. About a month ago he just completely stopped talking to me, acted weird when we crossed paths at school. No explanation. It's left me feeling played and foolish.

    I'm pretty sure he just found someone else to pursue after he couldnt get what he wanted. But even though I see his true colours I can't stop thinking about him. Feeling hurt, and still hoping deep down we could still be friends.

    I can't focus and feel like a shell of myself. I know I need to stop wasting time and emotion thinking about him but why is it so hard even after this long. I feel stupid for feeling this way and it is affecting my day to day life. Why do I need validation from someone like him. I guess i keep thinking that if he still wanted to be friends I wouldn't feel like it was all a lie and a game to him.

    I'm really struggling to feel like my normal self.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8367 posts
    12 October 2020 in reply to S1980
    Hi, welcome

    Effectively you are not only going through being hurt even embarrassed but- grief.

    Grief effects us all differently, there is no right or wrong so taking as ling as you are taking to heal is all ok.

    A few ideas- approach him and ask him why he's drifted and "I want a straight answer please". His answer should be some closure. The other thing is keep busy and distracted, even go on dates if possible.

    I hope that helps
    TonyWK
  3. IsaJett
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IsaJett avatar
    230 posts
    12 October 2020 in reply to S1980

    Hi

    you said you may have had an emotional affair ? Sorry but are you married ? Cos you said he’s married . But u never said you were. But case in point ...if u married then this whole thing is a blessing in disguise ...cos an emotional affair would not serve either party well in the respective marriages.

    but let’s then say you are not married and he’s just gone cold turkey on you . I know it hurts right this moment..I mean it sting so bad when one is ghosted . But I don’t Think asking him would help in any ways . It just would tell you a lot more of his character that he’s just disconnected like that.

    I would possibly look at this as the universe making way for a better person to come your way and open other doors for you .

    stay well but know that you deserve So much better And I am sure something better is on its way for you

  4. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    12 October 2020 in reply to S1980

    Hi S1980,

    Glad to have you onboard the forums, and thank you for being open with your feelings.

    'Friendly' is such a subjective term as is 'becoming friends', and the expression of 'emotional connection'.

    At what point did you feel pressure to 'cross the line' and from where did that originate?

    Sorry to sound all Hercule Poirot on you, but it pertains to resolving your present feelings.

    Regards,

    t.

  5. S1980
    S1980 avatar
    4 posts
    13 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    thanks for all your replies. I am married and it wasnt till it ended that i realised just how emotionally connected I was to it all. I do realise it probably is a blessing in disguise to stop things getting worse and it is a relationship that no doubt had to end. But it doesn't stop the hurt, feelings of shame, guilt and stupidity for falling for all his lines.

    Pressure to 'cross the line' - that came completely from him. Compliments turned into flirting, turned into propositions. I said no each time and naively took it all as a bit of a joke but I think that truly was all he was after. This makes me feel even more used and played.

    I guess I thought there was at least a genuine friendship there behind that and it hurts more to think there wasnt.

  6. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    13 October 2020 in reply to S1980

    Hi S1980,

    I think it's fair to say we can all gravitate to those that pay us tributes, and some accountability remains with us for succumbing to the allure of attention as mature adults.

    In relation to your hopes for friendship, ask yourself "How would I feel with our respective partners present also?" Any qualms arising from this premise may address any deception you may be receiving and inadvertently contributing to by remaining involved.

    You have a good understanding of your situation apart from those residual feelings of connection. Have you broached this dalliance with your husband? Secrets can have a nasty tendency to backfire when left unaddressed, and some personal reflection on your thoughts and behaviours may help you reconcile your feelings and move on with confidence. This may help to resolve your feelings of being a 'shell' of your former self.

    Kind regards,

    t.

  7. S1980
    S1980 avatar
    4 posts
    19 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    thanks for your reply. My H knows a little but not the extent of it all. He does know that whatever was is not continuing anyway as this person no longer contacts me. We run into each other at school or the local park and everything has definately been above board and not so close in terms of friendship/relationship so I think there would not be any issue with respective partners present.

    That door is now closed for the best but it is hard dealing with the residual feelings and i guess feelings of sudden rejection.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    195 posts
    20 October 2020 in reply to S1980

    Hi S1980.

    Welcome to the forum, especially during these hard times and you are not alone in your situation. For you to stop, pause and acknowledge your actions shows that you demonstrate strength, courage and compassion for yourself and for others. You need to protect yourself and appreciate your husband and his needs. Don't feel upset for wanting to stray, take it as an opportunity to make what you have better. This notonly affect you, it affects him too.

    good luck.

    1 person found this helpful

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