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Topic: Missing her so much

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Wookie123
    Wookie123 avatar
    5 posts
    14 November 2021
    Recently my fiancé ended our relationship. I didn’t see it coming, and 2-1/2 weeks later I’m still crying daily. I miss her so much. It’s really hurting
  2. Guest_206
    Guest_206 avatar
    88 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Dear Wookie123,

    I'm so so sorry to hear of the pain you're in. I can hear that you're really hurting. I hope you are being gentle with yourself in such a time of grief and loss. It's ok to cry daily. It was a shock. If you feel like you need extra support, would you consider making an appointment with your GP?

    Xg

  3. Wookie123
    Wookie123 avatar
    5 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Guest_206

    Hi

    Thankyou for your kind words. I’ve been to my gp, and am seeing a councellor this week - just someone neutral to bounce off. I know I’m doing the right things, it just feels so lonely. I’m not alone, but it feels that way.

    8 year relationship, just so many memories past and also future ones too. At times it feels like I’m a moving ghost, I’m getting things done but I don’t feel a thing.

    it’s a selfish view I know, I love her to bits and ultimately if she doesn’t want to be with me that is her choice. I don’t like it, but I must support it. Really hurts though. Alot.

  4. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hi Wookie123

    I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship. I know it’s really tough right now. Hugs to you.

    Going to see your GP was a smart move and I’m sure that talking things through with a counsellor will be beneficial too.

    Losing love is one of the most painful experiences we humans go through. And unfortunately there’s no quick fix , it’s a loss you have to process and work your way through.

    For me, writing in a journal often helps to process my feelings as does being busy. Somehow keeping my hands busy or body moving distracts my mind.

    When it all comes crashing back, I try to put a limit on how long I’ll dwell on the issue. It doesn’t always work but I try.

    The one thing I do know for certain is that it gets easier in time. Space, time and reflection help to bring perspective and acceptance.

    Right now it’s just about getting through—one day at a time. Hang in there.

    Post any time.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  5. The Bro
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    The Bro avatar
    193 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hi there Wookie123 - so sorry to hear what has happened.

    Breakups after a long relationship are rotten!

    I am totally familiar with your pain after experiencing a similar 'blindside' from a beautiful girl who had been living with me for four years. She declined my marriage proposal but said she was happy to have kids and spend the rest of her life with me.

    A very old flame arrived back on her scene and away she went. I was distraught for weeks and weeks and couldn't get her out of my mind for a minute. I even drove past her new place once and had to give myself a good talking to as that was a form of stalking.

    Tried all the suggestions - letter of closure, getting busy on other things, calling friends and so on. About all that really worked was our old friend time.

    The Buddhists have a saying about 'leaning into the pain' and accepting it, let the waves wash over you and don't try to fight them off.

    A group called the Black Keys and their song 'Little Black Submarines' was very helpful to help me understand and accept my pain - look at the lyrics:

    "Pick you up, let you down
    When I wanna go to a place I can hide
    You know me, I had plans
    But they just disappeared to the back of my mind
    [Chorus]
    Oh, can it be?
    The voices calling me
    They get lost and out of time
    I should've seen it glow
    But everybody knows that a broken heart is blind
    That a broken heart is blind
    "

    Then about three years later I met the wonderful girl who is now my wife. I bumped into the old girlfriend at a party after that and she was very interested in my new partner as she was still wandering around and the old flame she went back to had burn out again.

    Do I still think of her sometimes? Of course I do, but my wife is wonderful and a giver, she elevates me, whereas the old girlfriend was a taker.

    So that's my story - sorry to go on, but it worked out so well in the end but hurt so much initially.

    So try not to fight how you feel, you plainly have much to offer after an 8 year relationship. Let time pass, don't hesitate to remember the good times you guys had as denial won't help. Yes. there will be a giant hole where she was, but that will disappear over time. There might even be some things you can look back on and learn from?

    Live your life as much as you can Wookie123. When you are ready, it might take some time, Miss Right is sure to come into your life and sweep you off your feet.

    Happy to chat some more if you like.

    Breathe deeply and try to smile.

    The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Wookie123
    Wookie123 avatar
    5 posts
    18 November 2021

    Hi all

    Thankyou to the replies. It’s nice to hear kind words from total strangers.I am sincerely grateful.

    An update from me. I’m not sure I’m moving forward, the pain is deep. Each night afterwork I will literally have tears all the way on the drive home. Open the house door, no one. More tears. Let the dog in, she’s lost too and sits at the front door waiting for her mum to come home.
    I am eating (no routine to it) sleeping ok thanks to gp and mild anti depressants.
    The worst part now is all the little bits. No one to offer a cup of coffee; no one to help with the laundry; no one to go to the local grocery store. Lots of small cuts so to speak, 3 weeks after the first and biggest blow (the breakup).

    Right now it’s hard to see past this sad cloud.

  7. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hi Wookie123

    Thanks so much for the update.

    So glad to hear that you are eating and sleeping. That’s some progress.

    Wondering if you’ve been out with the dog for a walk? If you can, I think it would help. Exercise is really good for our bodies and minds.

    Please, don’t beat yourself up for crying. It’s to be expected and it’s ok. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t hurt right now.

    I know the cloud is dark and grey but it will eventually pass. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Give the medicine time to kick in. It should help to put you in a better position to deal with your loss and cope with life.

    When do you see your counsellor? I’ll be thinking of you and hoping it helps.

    Take good care and if you feel up to it let us know how you’re going.

    Kind thoughts to you

  8. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15562 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hello Wookie, when someone you dearly love just gets up and goes, there can be nothing more miserable, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason or at least any indication is not only a shock, a disappointment and certainly a tragedy because there were no warning signs at all, and the endless list of questions we ask ourselves, only fall away as we can't find any reason why this has happened.

    If you are looking for answers may or may not help you, but I understand why you need to know as this is the most unexpected situation that you believed would never happen, but please just be easy on yourself as it may not have been any fault of yours and please remember this.

    Geoff.

  9. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
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    The Bro avatar
    193 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hi again Wookie123 and thanks for getting back to us.

    Your updates are stunning in their clarity. What really inspires me is that you are openly recognising all the symptoms and can understand them right down to the little bits.

    I think it is super important at this stage to retain your self esteem and take care not to unload any of the blame onto yourself. With my own separation, all the chat in my mind was around 'What could I have done better, what did I do to cause her to leave?' Not very healthy at all!

    Sometimes there is no answer. I wonder what reason she might have given you for leaving? At least that will provide something concrete you can work on.

    Take care of yourself and your dog as she will be very sad as well - keep your routine if you can.

    You are capable of great love and have been wounded - give it time and it will gradually heal.

    All the best, The Bro

  10. KG82
    KG82 avatar
    39 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hi Wookie,

    It’s so hard when an important relationship comes to an end, especially when it comes out of the blue. It’s good that you’ve been to see the GP and are also going to see a counsellor. In the grand scheme of things it really hasn’t been that long, and it will take time. You can’t erase all the feelings that you’ve developed over many years together. It’s also so easy to overthink things and wonder if you had’ve done things differently whether you would still be together. Chances are that because things ended so abruptly, you weren’t given the opportunity to make changes and work on things… that’s not on you.

    My ex of almost 2 years stopped talking to me one day. She has a serious mental illness and has a tendency to withdraw. After almost 2 months of nothing I sent her a message to tell her I was coming to see her and she broke up with me by text. No real explanation, and it’s taken months to finally feel better.

    I hope things start to get better soon.

  11. Wookie123
    Wookie123 avatar
    5 posts
    21 November 2021

    Hello All

    Again, Thankyou to all who reply. Seriously, I say this to all but especially men - speak up. Either face to face or on forums like this, help is available. Every bit helps - I can personally vouch for this and although I’m still hurting, this helps.

    Back to my update. This weekend was a positive one. My ex and I caught up, twice, to walk our dog and just chat. Nothing serious, just good old fashioned chit chat. There was also some physical embrace, not sexual but certainly mutual. Honestly, I felt like I was 15 again!

    however, I am not 15 and for the right now I am treating those embraces as a beautiful moment, and am not thinking beyond that. I have been learning a lot in these few weeks since we broke up. For the last 6-12 months I had disengaged with 2 people. My ex, with whom I still love and have done so for a long time. And myself, which has played a large part in my behaviour and the relationship breakdown.

    I’m still doing it tough. Still crying. But learning. Understanding. And just like the weekend gone, truly appreciating moments for what they are.

    Thankyou again to all for you comments and support.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15562 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Wookie123

    Hello Wookie, I know this seems to be the highest hurdle you have had to jump, as it was for me, so don't attempt to do the impossible, just take it slowly and as it comes, and remember any change has to come from both sides because if it only comes from one side then there may be trouble lying ahead.

    Good luck.

    Geoff.

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