Topic: My Husband betrayed me - I'm still here but hurting

My husband betrayed me, not sure if it was a one-night stand or more. We are still together, as I made a commitment. I can't leave, I have nowhere to go, and can't afford to go. He won't talk about it, how I still feel. He walks off every time I bring it up. I just feel so alone, and stumble through each day. He does say that he has tried everything to make me happy, but I am not. I've seen psychologists and a life coach. They helped in a lot of ways but I am still deeply hurt he could have done something like that. I'm in a place I never dreamed of being, and it's horrible. Any ideas of how I can move on, forward, and be happy again?

Hey DirtGirl,

I hope you are well despite everything.

I was married to an abusive serial cheater for over 30 years

They never want to talk about it and get abusive and start blame shifting. None of this is your fault. Rug sweeping isn’t helpful. This won’t make you happy again.

Do some soul searching and research infidelity and whether you have what it takes to seriously reconcile and save your marriage. It’s a long road and I wish you the best.

Oh and firstly, make very sure that the affair has genuinely stopped as often it continues. Good luck.

Hello Dear DirtGirl..

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I am so sorry that your husband has betrayed you...

If your husband refuses to talk to you about it...Do you think he would be open to couple counselling?....

I understand about the commitment you have made with your marriage vows....as I’m quite sure your husband also made marriage vows (commitment)...to you....which he has now broken...in doing that he has also broken your heart and your trust in him....and even though a broken heart can sometimes heal.....trust is something that is near impossible to heal....without trust...I don’t think their is happiness...maybe thoughts of always wondering what he’s doing and who he is with...

Do you think that you would be able to rebuild your trust in your husband? and be in the position with your feelings towards him..before you found out about his betrayal..

My kindest thoughts with my care Dear DirtGirl...

Grandy..

Hi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for being open here. It sounds like you are feeling very hurt and in pain. Your feelings are valid. It seems your husband does not want to open up and is walking away from you because he is embarrassed that he got caught.

You deserve so much better. It is hard to move forward but I promise you that one day it will happen. It is going to take a lot of time. It will be a new journey for you. Try out new hobbies, do things you love and make you happy, and hang out with your friends more often.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

he is embarrassed about what he has done. But he thinks that because it was a while ago, I should have gotten over it! This all happened in 2015. Not supported or protected. Over this period when he betrayed me with his work colleague (she), and I didn't know he had then. A friend of the person he slept with and also worked with attacked me in a restaurant restroom/toilet. Other girls had to pull her off me and calm her down. I immediately left and was ushered away by my husband to take me home. I was so upset. On the Monday morning when I went to deliver my (products) to the office he worked at, I saw him sitting in a meeting room with her laughing! I couldn't believe it! When I asked him what and why. He said she's a good employee! I just walked off as I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with this. The person has also spat at me in a pub, moved over to me and spat! I told him and he just said let's go home. She has attacked me at a friend's house, shouting and being really horrible (we had the kitchen bench between us), so I just ran off. He was really angry with me and it was the first time I felt scared. There are a lot more situations that happened with this group of "workmates" over a period of 12 months. We weren't getting on, but it seemed like he didn't care. Nothing I could do but just stay! He finally left that company at the end of 2017 and was much better and being like his normal self, we were getting on great until (she) texted me and told me he was not as innocent as I think! I questioned him, and he confirmed that it was true. So I had been in the dark for 3 years. this person (she) had been sending me messages until just before the end of last year. She's a narcissist. So, I eventually asked her what could I do to help with my husband leaving her alone! then she replied like she was my friend. She's never texted me since. I showed him these messages, and he said there is nothing he could do. So we are here in 2022. I've seen 3 psychologists and a life coach. Some of their ideas have worked. But I'm so mad that he could have done this to me, knowing what sort of person I am. He won't talk about it. Just walks off. My heart is still breaking, and it's our wedding anniversary today! Which is also the same date all those years ago that he slept with (her). I hate this date now. Phew, so nice to talk to someone. thanks for reading. what a mess. x

Hi DirtGirl,

I can’t believe what he put you through. No wonder he’s “embarrassed”. He allowed others to assault you.

I have had a similar experience but was verbally threatened by others my husband was associated with, including an awful person who he had a casual sexual relationship with. Totally vile people who hid behind fake social media profiles.

I spoke to Police about it at the time and ensured that others close to me knew about the threats that I received. I was told to watch my back. I was scared to go out for a while and it’s aggravated my ptsd even further.

Although my husband didn’t threaten me directly I still blame him for allowing others to do that to me. I don’t feel safe in his presence and don’t trust him to ever protect me.

Do some reading on PISD. or post infidelity stress disorder. It’s a real thing.

I understand that going forward, you need to know that you are in a safe relationship. Reconciling a marriage following infidelity is extremely difficult. But infidelity that has caused you serious harm, needs specialist care.

Good luck sweet DirtGirl.

And don’t be me…

I want you to be prepared. People who do these things are wildly terrible and they will maximize the emotional damage before confessing and offering there soul. They have a deeply disturbing comfort in your pain. If you have money or your parents have money you need to reach out for help. Divorce? You said it - you are right.