Topic: my husband has just left and I just dont know what to do

A few days ago my husband left for work, he is a shearer so most of his time is spent away, i sent him a message saying I was upset about a few things and that I wanted to talk and he messaged me back saying he didn't want to be with me anymore, and that he believed we were on different pages and that he didnt love me anymore. we've been together 11 years, since we were in high school, and we have a 2 and a half year old son. I had no idea he was unhappy in that way in our marriage. we had had talks about issues before but they were always resolved, he had mentioned some issues he was having with himself but had always assured me it wasn't our relationship and that he loved me. He told me he's been pretending for over a year, and in that time while he was pretending, we started a business together, so i quit my main job to do that, we had made holiday plans, we had made plans to buy and block and build a home, he said he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. He kept telling me he loved me, so i didnt know there were changes that needed to be made and because he has come to terms with how hes feeling, he doesnt want to try and resolve them, we've never had couples counselling but he wont do that now because hes already fallen out of love and geniunelly believes that there is no future and the feelings are gone. I don't know what to do, Im in limbo, im still in our house that we rent and i have no choice to leave because financially i know that i cant afford anything else, nor do i know where i would even want to go. Everyone in our life knows him as my husband and I dont know how to go out and live my life as normal because i dont know how to tell people about him when they ask because they always do. I feel like his life is just going on as normal and nothing is changing for him, he just gets to leave and im just stuck, with not many friends because all of my friends are his friends or his family, and I have my family but they cant understand how im feeling, and all they want to do is hate him, and they want me to hate him, but I just cant. Im trying to look after myself but i havent done that in 11 years. i have no hobbies, because all ive been for the past 11 years is a girlfriend, wife and mother. I just dont know what to do, i feel stuck.

Dear Separatedmum,

Thank you for finding the strength to post your confusion on our forum. It is this same strength which you can use to help you work through the confusion and grief of the loss of your relationship. We are a helpful and supportive community.

We understand that your former partner ended the relationship with a text message, and this really hurt. Also, you are feeling lost and distressed because you didn't see it coming.

People deal with their internal confusion in different ways. Some people try to talk things out, and in doing so, work out what is going on inside. Other people bottle things up inside and try to work out what is going on inside themselves. Also, people have different reactions to conflict, whether the conflict is actually there, or they believe it will be there. We tend to make our actions based on what we believe will happen.

We would like to encourage you to call Beyond Blue Support Service at 1300 22 4636. Their mental health professionals can help you start sorting out your next steps so you can start working through your grief, and you can start moving forward into the next chapter of your life.

We want you to know that we are here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

There's a few things here. You have a child, so the moment you have a child and you feel you have 'fallen out of love' is the right time to see a counsellor to work through your feelings and decide the best path forward

My first wife left me and I had the same thing, my friends expected me to say I never loved her and talk about how she was trash but that was not how I felt at all. We didn't even have a child. Tell your friends you are grieving and that you have a child with this man, you clearly have loved him, they are not helping

While I get deep attachment and not wanting to lose someone, if he stays or not, you were ALWAYS a human being who deserved and should have a life that is not entirely defined by another human being. Seeing a counsellor and working on that for yourself sounds like a positive move in either direction.

You say you were together 11 years, and have a 2 yo son. I assume you are quite young and started dating pretty early. I imagine this is a huge upheaval for you, but if you get back together with him, decide to stay alone, or look for another partner, I am sure that once you've had time to process your grief and move forward, you will find a path to happiness.