Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: My husband is lying to me about his stimulant addiction

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    25 October 2020

    I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we are a blended family plus we have a baby together. 5 years ago he was heavily addicted to stimulants which almost broke me and our family. After an intervention he reluctantly went to rehab.

    Since that time he’s had a few relapses. He’s never approached me about it, it’s always been a case of me suspecting and catching him out in some way. I’ve told him that the lying is the hardest part and that the trust would rebuild if he would just come to me.

    Over the past 6 months I have seen the red flags again but I feel that he has wisened up and knows what I look for now. I also think he knows just how much to use.

    Nevertheless I found stimulants in his jacket pocket 6 weeks ago and a pipe in his car last week. He has an answer for everything and claims that he has not used since his last supposed relapse 10 months ago. I don’t believe him at all. He says I’m paranoid and that my fears will ruin the marriage.

    This is the first time he hasn’t owned up to it yet I just know. My anxiety is through the roof. I love him and just want a happy marriage based on trust but I feel so hurt that he is still lying to me and even worse gaslighting me.

    Im scared to tell him how I’m feeling because I know he will explode again and flip this on me yet my feelings of connection with him are at an all time low. Please help.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Dear Ebony2~

    Welcome here to the support forum. I'm sorry you have needed to come here and very sorry about your position.

    These last 5 years must have been tainted by a constant source of worry, if rehab was working, if when you found him out he's try and stop, and now on top of that the fact he no longer will admit to it.

    To an outsider looking in it seems like the situation is deteriorating, his drug use continuing and your trust being repeatedly broken.

    I know you would dearly love matters to return to when you first met and this mobster was not taking over, however I guess you realise such wishes are unrealistic.

    Do you think there is anything you can do that will successfully make him stop?

    Yes it may well be possible if you tell him what you are feeling (in effect what he has done to you) then he will explode -it is the easiest course of action for him to take, the same with putting it all on you.

    I really think I have to ask you a most difficult question, do you want this cycle to continue, with you staying and hoping that things will get better? Or do you think the time has come to try to step back and see the situation you are in more dispassionately (no easy thing to do)

    Considering the effect all this is and will be having on the children is another factor which comes into it too

    Is there anyone in your life to care for you and give you support? Someone, family or friend perhaps, you can talk things over with frankly?

    I hope to talk with your some more

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  3. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    10789 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Hello Ebony2

    Welcome too! Can I ask if you have anyone that can help provide support to 'you' in this difficult time. This is important if we have a partner or a relative that may still be addicted

    The pipe in your husbands car last week is not a good indicator of recovery or the truth

    Just trying to help my niece with a similar addiction at this time. Just for myself I have found the truth hard to come by Ebony

    I understand your pain & anguish . There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too!

    any questions are always welcome

    my kindest

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    10 November 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I have thought long and hard many times lately whether I should take a step back but it is really difficult. For starters I feel that his abandonment triggers will kick in big time and it will only add fuel to the fire. Things would get ugly real quick and I’m not sure we could ever come back from that...

    He is determined that he is not and has not used but I just feel like I’m being lied to. Several things just don’t add up for me and my instincts have always been right. He is refusing to do a urine test and says he doesn’t need to prove he is clean to me.

    I don’t want our marriage to fall apart but I also don’t know how to feel a loving connection towards him when I don’t know what is real..

    I tried to reassure him that he didn’t need to feel ashamed and that I would be here to support him if he was honest with me but he just got fired up again..

  5. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    10 November 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    thank you so much for your reply. I have a cousin who is a few years older than me who has been an in incredible support. I don’t really want to share with my other friends, it’s just too heavy to keep talking about..

    I am sorry to hear about your niece. I hope that you can get through to her. I agree with you that the truth is hard to come by and to be honest, I’ve been lied to so many times that I would doubt it even if it were the truth...every time I start to trust him again he relapses but keeps it from me, I wish he could understand that the lying is worse than the using well for me anyway.

    thank you for reaching out.

    Kerry

  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    10 November 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Dear Ebony2~

    I hate to say it but it sounds very like your marriage has fallen apart already.

    For a person who does not use illicit drugs or comes from a drug culture it is very hard to understand, not only the actual taking of the substance, but what goes with it, lies, money disappearing and a determination either it is no problem or that it should be hidden under denials and continue.

    Some people do break drug habits, however they are the ones that want to and have professional help.

    If your husband had come to you each time he faltered it might be a different story. However that is not the case, he hides, denies and lies instead.

    He has all the benefits, you promising to stand by him and more rehab if he were only to admit matters.

    I think you are well aware of the real situation and have to decide if living or existing with things as they are -and no real prospects of improvement, or to maybe step out of his life for a while. It might be a last resort he responds to either positively, perhaps. If not then you will have already started down a different path.

    I'm sorry to be so blunt, there are many in your position, some tied in place by hope, some by finances, circumstances -plus a host of other reasons.

    May I ask if you have anyone you can stay with for a bit if you decide to go that way?

    Croix

  7. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    12 November 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    i don’t have anyone to stay with but I could find an air bnb in the area if I need to. I appreciate your bluntness, I know there are some hard truths that I need to face.

    What you said about my expectation being unrealistic that he will start being more honest really hit home. As they say the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour..

    I’m just feeling really sad at the moment that I am about to lose someone who is very special to me. If he is using its as if he has figured out just how much to take so as not to spiral out of control. He’s still holding down his job and responsibilities at home, it would be hard to know for sure that he is using.. that said I hear myself making excuses for him....

    aaaargh this is so hard :(

    thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me

  8. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Dear Ebony2~

    I can relate to everything you say but have to ask what you really think, is he using? If you are unsure then what would be proof and would you treat it as an isolated incident anyway?

    Finding material in his pocket and a pipe in the car would seem pretty strong indicators.

    Sometimes it is hard to estimate the effect love has on hope.

    I have the feeling whatever you do where will always be niggling doubts, something he has wished on you, and maybe you have to resign yourself to them no matter what path you take.

    One of the things about humans is they have to make decisions without 100% proof, no matter in which field we are talking. It is a question of doing what seems best for all - and using just what you know now.

    You are probably right that if you were completely frank with him he might go into a defensive mode, maybe involving lies, maybe anger, or some other way of getting you to doubt yourself. You might find you simply could not go on together after that. Is it still worth a try?

    Maybe an air b&b might have a result.

    I hope we talk some more

    Croix

    It is not for me to make strong suggestions as I"m not the person on the spot, you are. There is however one thing,at the moment you are feeling you may be making excuses for him , however the point I want to make is you also say "it would be hard to know for sure that he is using".

    If it was me I'd think of the future, could there be a a time where you came to regret your actions becuse you did not have complete proof and there was a lingering doubt you had been unjust and the separation -at least for drug use -was not necessary?

    Do you think things are bad enough now to separate, or would you prefer to wait till you find incontrovertible proof?

    If this last option seems tempting please remember that addicts can go to great lengths to hide their addition. Perhaps doubts in the future are somethng you may always have anyway.

  9. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    293 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to Croix
    If I were her husband with past drug use, and my wife was concerned I was using again based on behaviours, I would take the simple urine test to put her mind at ease.

    His flat out refusal to do so suggests he knows what the test will show
  10. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13477 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Hello Kerry, I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation, but I have been following through with it.

    The problem being married or going out with an addict is it that it can be hidden in small quantities for a short period, the only trouble is the amount they are taking is not enough to satisfy their desire, and if they still need to take or consume it, then other people will know.

    If the trust you once believed was established, the love you once had is not strong enough to maintain the relationship, another type develops, one you wished had not happened.

    I'm sorry.

    Geoff.

  11. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks again for your thoughtful reply and for your support.

    This is what I have so far (over the past few months)

    - drugs in his jacket pocket

    - pipe in his car

    - a positive urine test I took from the toilet he used but didn’t flush ( he said he didn’t use the toilet even tho lid was up and it was only me and him at home)

    - thin broken burnt light globe glass out in the extension he’s been building

    - light globe filaments in the same area

    - lying about his wherabouts

    - taking longer to go to Bunnings that would seem normal

    what do u think?

  12. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Croix
    Oh and yes a refusal to do the urine test now saying that he has nothing to prove to me
  13. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Guest_7403
    I am inclined to agree with you there, I feel that his refusal speaks volumes
  14. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thank you so much for your insights, I really appreciate. I know that eventually it will all catch up with him because he won’t be able to hide it as well.. I just don’t know if I can wait around until it does feeling that I’m being lied to...

  15. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Dear Ebony2~

    You have quite comprehensive knowledge of drug use and how it is done, what items are used, as a result you don't need me to say anything in response to your list other than to add other than in my limited knowledge light bulbs, the older kind and energy saver ones can be used used for ICE.

    The refusal to take a test speaks for itself, it has passed the point of is pride being injured.

    I will however point out that even if I was a drug user and not past a certain point where it became all-consuming I would enter drug rehab (if there was the money) simply to demonstrate love for you and the children.

    Sadly that has not happened. That motivation, if it was ever there, appears now to be overridden by the addiction.

    So I guess your options remain the same as when you first came here, do my kids and I live under these conditions guessing they will worsen or do I try to separate? I'm not sure your words " I know that eventually it will all catch up with him because he won’t be able to hide it as well." and " I just don’t know if I can wait around until it does " are going to help much. When that happens it will be the same situation as now, but with a more heavily addicted person.

    I wish there was someone you knew to actually be there face to face (or zoom to zoom) to try to give you comfort and practical advice. You mentioned an older cousin, now might be the time to make contact ?

    Relationships Australia have post-separation service if you decide (and are financially able) to go that way. Some practical help how to do that would be good.

    Croix

  16. Ebony2
    Ebony2 avatar
    9 posts
    27 November 2020

    *update*
    My husband finally admitted to his using after a very heated argument. I was relieved to finally know for sure that I wasn’t crazy but I’m now dealing with the aftermath..

    I’ve asked him to do a 3 week program to address his addiction issues but he is flat out refusing. I can’t go back to the way things were, waiting for the next relapse, wondering if he’s using and if he’s lying to me. This time it has virtually broken me. He’s begging me to consider just urine testing him and trusting that he will tell me the truth next time.

    The thing is is that I don’t trust that things will be different next time. Even if I do urine testing with him, it feels like a cop out and it will do little to address why he uses and how he can better cope when triggered.

    We are having this stand off at the moment, he is very erratic and I feel like he’s trying to hurt me anyway he can because he’s hurting. I’m trying to stay grounded and not get pulled in to it.

    Am I being harsh to ask him to do a program otherwise we will separate? I just don’t know how much more I can take until I fall apart completely..

  17. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    27 November 2020 in reply to Ebony2

    Dear Ebony2~

    Well, I guess you can now be more confident in your instincts, which is a plus.

    Against the you have a person who is trying to hurt you as if you were an enemy bound on hurting him, not someone who looks to you for support with a recognized problem.

    Threatening separation in order that the person concerned recognizes the problem and wants you, not the life he had, goes though a program that has his wholehearted cooperation. That might be reasonable.

    However I tend to feel -and I am no expert - that even if he went on a 3 week program with his current attitude it would not be successful.

    As you pointed out there are reasons for drug use, and until they have been addressed the problem will most likely continue. These may take considerable time and therapy, with drugs still being looked to as a coping mechanism in the meantime.

    I'm not sure how much better a place you will be after the program, however I guess it is a choice that does give you some hope now you know you can trust your instincts and not wait in limbo for proof.

    I do not envy you having to make these choices. Please let us know how you go

    Croix

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up