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Topic: My partner doesn't have long to live

  1. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    6 December 2021
    My partner has lung and heart disease,has been given days if not months to live we have a 23 year old son together and I have so many emotions going through my head I have angry outbursts at people and frustration is peaking off the chart
  2. Sophie_M
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    6136 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer,
    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for reaching out here,

    We're so sorry to hear about your partner's condition, we can't imagine the stress and fear you must be experiencing. Please know there is support available to you and your family. The Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

    Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgmental space.

  3. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Ok thankyou its good knowing there are people out there to help
  4. Petal22
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    1543 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer1071,

    Im so sorry to hear about your partner.

    It must be so difficult for you.

    How is your partner coping at the moment?

    Please know we are all a very caring supportive community and we are here to support you.

  5. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    She is scared to go to sleep at night in case she doesn't wake up.She tells me all the time she doesn't want to die and I just don't have the answers for her.I go to work every day worried something will happen while I'm there but I need to work as I'm the main income.She doesn't want me to give up work because she knows how much I love working,but I'm willing to give up anything for her we have been together for 26 years and gone through what a couple would in a lifetime
  6. Petal22
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    6 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Ohhhh Homer1071 I really feel for you and your partner.

    I understand your partner being scared.

    Is there anything meaningful you can do together before your partners time?

    I understand how sad this is for both of you.

    26 beautiful years together it must be so hard.

    We are here for you

  7. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    She has been through so much and beaten everything,she has had two heart attacks on the second one they found a blood clot she survived that .She survived two cases of neumonia one which they gave her 48 hours to live.We lost a child 21 years ago he was full term but still born she was bitten by a white top spider which decayed the back of her leg,she has DVT and diabetes and after all that I can't believe this is what it's come down to I feel like I'm losing my soul mate
  8. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    We are just trying to spend as much time together at the moment and make the best of it
  9. Petal22
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    6 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    I’m really sorry Homer1071 your soul mate sounds like a wonderful person…

    Feel free to reach out to us anytime

  10. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Not having a very good week this week I found out that my supervisors at work have said that I am very un reliable because I didn't turn up for work last Sunday because my partner has a fall going to the toilet and she hit her head on the toilet bowl as she fell.I had to take her to the hospital to get it checked in case of internal bleeding.My partner is my main priority at the moment and I am doing my best to keep everything going forward and the last thing I need is to be feeling inadequate.
  11. Ggrand
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    12 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hello Dear Homer,

    I am deeply sorry to hear about your partner...

    I nursed my husband through brain and lung cancer 8 years ago and my heart really goes out to you...Ltd really hard watching watching your loved one slowly dying....His Oncologists said 12 weeks and that was all he had...

    Homer..does your supervisors know what is happening to your beautiful partner?...If they do and they are treating you like they are...they are so un compassionate and unfair to you...If they don’t know...maybe you could tell them about your partner...or can your Dr. give you some weeks, months off to care for your partner...I am not sure but under a Drs. Certificate your company cannot fire you...and you will have that extra time to care and be with your partner...

    I really hope Homer that your not feeling inadequate..you are doing the best you can under devastating circumstances...Looking after a loved on with terminal cancer is one of the hardest things that anyone can do..

    My heartfelt thoughts and care dear Homer..

    Please talk here anytime you need to...we are all for you to help you in anyway that we can...

    A gentle caring hug caring lovely Homer..🦋🤗.

    Grandy..

  12. mmMekitty
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    12 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Dear Homer,

    There's no easy way through this, & my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you've reached out to us & would encourage you to write as often & as much as you need.

    I notice you mention having a son, so I hope you & he are supporting each other through this extremely difficult time. But you don't mention any other people who could support you, too. Are there any good friends or close family you can call on?

    I like Grandy's suggestion about work, & finding out if you can get some sort of leave to care for your partner. I don't know anything helpful in that area, but think, surely there is something. It in your circumstances it is simply too much to expect that you'll be able to not need to have time off, even at short notice?

    warm regards,

    mmMekitty

  13. Petal22
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    12 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer1071,

    Im so sorry to hear of your wife’s fall….. that must have been difficult for you….

    Im also sorry that your supervisor said what was said …….

    Its totally understandable why you didn’t go to work last Sunday…

    Is your supervisor aware what you and your wife are going through?

  14. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    13 December 2021 in reply to Petal22

    My production manager and my main supervisor knows what is going on ,I don't let a lot of people know what is going on because I haven't known many of them for very long.I can't take time off work as I am the main income earner and I am only part time.I don't have any savings as we live week to week,I tell myself that Thier opinions don't matter but it annoys me that they judge me like that.I lost my father about a year and a half ago,a few months ago my dog passed she was my son's best friend he idolized her.I got told a few weeks ago that my job will go in March 2023,so I now have the stress of finding another job.My head is going a million miles an hour I feel like I am losing everything that matters to me in my life and there is nothing I can do about it,I will stay as strong as I can though for my son's well being and I do have the support of a select few people that I know,but I don't talk much to others because everyone in this world has Thier own problems or issues to deal with.I appreciate everyone's replays and I will take everybody's advice on board because just talking like this is already helping in small ways.One step at a time

  15. Tam1234
    Tam1234 avatar
    1 posts
    13 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071
    I am sorry to hear you are going thru such a tough time. You are an amazing person to be supporting your partner and I bet she feels comforted knowing you are there for her. I love that you don’t care what the work people think and that you are taking one day at a time that is very smart to think like that in such difficult times. I relate to you as cared for my dad for 8 years he lived with me for past 6 months and passed 2/12. You are stronger than you realise, keep reaching out for support. Take care Homer1071
  16. Petal22
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    13 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer1071,

    How sad that your manager and main supervisor know and one said you were un reliable I think that’s very un compassionate of them……. Please know it’s a reflection of themselves and not you……

    Im sorry to hear of your Dads passing and your son’s dog.

    I understand that things would be difficult for you at this time.

    Im glad to hear that you have support from a select few and I also understand this time would be difficult for your son.

    Please know we are here as a community to support you.

  17. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    14 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    It's hard to accept the reality that someone you have been with for so long is going to be taken from you without a choice either way,one way that made it a little bit more comforting for the both of us was discussing how I would deal with her passing after she is gone.I told her that I would look at it as it is her time to go and look after and care for our son who passed so that he can finally have one on one time with his mum and that eventually we will all be together as a family,she found that very comforting.Yes my son and I will be left behind but it puts my mind at ease to think that
  18. mmMekitty
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    15 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer,

    You & your son each having time to have these conversations with her is so very important, & I think, possibly the single best thing you can do.

    All my best,

    nnMekitty

  19. Petal22
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    16 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer,

    I understand that it would be so difficult for you to have the reality that someone you love so deeply will be taken away…… it really would be difficult I feel for you, your partner and son….

    Im glad you have both found comfort in the way that you are dealing with things after your partner has passed.

    Thinking of you and we are here.

  20. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    23 December 2021
    Is it normal to feel frustrated and angry.My partner has noticed over the last couple of weeks that I have become angry and frustrated causing me to snap at her and my son ,I don't realise that I am doing it and I feel terrible afterwards knowing that sorry isn't enough
  21. mmMekitty
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    24 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hello Homer,

    It's good to hear from you again.

    Being frustrated & angry are easily understood. You are in a particularly stressful situation, which is 24 hrs a day, which ends in only one way, & you can't stop that happening. You are going to have so many emotional moments, sometimes brief & intense, when it will be nigh on impossible to not express in some way or other. You are feeling about what is happening, but because you can't prevent her suffering, her death, your loss, your son's loss, nothing, of-course you are frustrated & angrey . What is happening is painful, & it hurts like hell, in every way imaginable, but you don't have to imagine, like I do. You are living this experience.

    & no matter what I say, you are there with her & your son, not me. How could you not feel at least helpless, alone & afraid, too? & you've said angry & frustrated. It's surely overwhelming your capacity to cope.

    Do you think you could catch yourself beginning to express those emotions you would rather not take out on your wife & son? If so, could you all agree on a sign, a 'time out' sign, something like crossing your wrists in front of your neck, as a signal, you need 'time out', either a few minutes, or an hour,, whatever to calm yourself again? You could all use this, I think.

    Can someone come in to look after your wife, while you & your son have some time away from being carers? Everyone needs a break from caring for someone. This is one 'self-care' thing, which is important to do.

    I will continue to think of you, & your family,

    mmMekitty

  22. Petal22
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    24 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer1071,

    Im sorry you have been feeling frustrated and angry I understand it would be difficult.

    Would you consider having a chat to your gp about the way you have been feeling?

  23. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    28 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Unfortunately I don't have a gp I don't feel comfortable talking with them about issues like this I guess it comes down to my anxiety,however I do feel comfortable talking with you guys
  24. Petal22
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    28 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer,

    We are always here to chat to you 😊

    Im glad you feel comfortable with us.

  25. mmMekitty
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    1714 posts
    28 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer,

    We'll continue to be here for you, whatever is on your mind.

    I still think it would be worth while to see about getting some help where you are, in your home, so you & your son aren't the only people caring for your wife. Have you given any thought to this?

    Warmest regards with virtual hugs,

    mmMekitty

  26. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    30 December 2021 in reply to mmMekitty
    We have looked into further care but they said because my partner is still having regular hospital appointments Thier services might be inconvenient for us
  27. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    30 December 2021

    I don't understand the medical system they say they are here to help but it comes with limitations.I am so worried about my partner she isn't sleeping much because she is worried she won't wake up it doesn't help that her condition has worsened slightly

  28. mmMekitty
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    1714 posts
    30 December 2021 in reply to Homer1071

    I'm so sorry, Homer. I must admit I don't understand the health system. I am surprised the hospital staff themselves aren't helping you go get more home support. It must be so disappointing to be told they can't while your partner is continuing to have hospital appointments, because 'their services would be inconvenient'! That response sounds really awful.

    I wish I could offer more than my dumbfounded disappointment.

    I can only hope someone reading this can offer something more practical.

    mmMekitty

  29. Petal22
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    3 January 2022 in reply to Homer1071

    Hi Homer1071,

    Im so sorry to hear this…… can you ask at the hospital or at your gp if they have a councillor available that you could have a appointment with to help you and your wife with what you are currently going through?

  30. Homer1071
    Homer1071 avatar
    14 posts
    13 January 2022 in reply to Petal22
    I regret that I am going to have to stop posting,my partner doesn't feel comfortable with me posting on such an open forum and I need to respect her wishes.It is going to be a bit harder for me to vent my problems but hopefully I can find another way of doing that

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