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Topic: My partner had an emotional affair !

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Miah
    Miah avatar
    2 posts
    11 January 2020

    Hey guys,

    i just wanted to ask a outside perspective of my situation. I recently caught my partner of 12 years having and “ emotional affair” he is assures me nothing physical has happened. I’ll start with the back story, I always trusted him I would drop him off at the pub and pick him up the next day sometimes not till 10am. I never put much thought much into it but up until mid November last year I just felt there was something wrong, he started hiding his phone and would get angry if I touched it, started going out every weekend with a new group of friends he met through his sister ( she was with him as well), was disconnect from me and the kids, stopped calling and texting, didn’t care if we where home or not, was getting angry often all the common signs.

    This one day I was cooking dinner for all of us at my aunties and he was suppose to stop on his way through he then rang and said he was tired from work and he was going home and going bed he will come down tomorrow. Had a really weird feeling but ignored it later that night I received a phone call and some pictures of him with some chick at a local pub I called he never answered he then ran back about 10 mins later and everything was quite I asked where he was he must have known I knew because he said then he was at pub at this point i went off and we stared fighting he told me where to go and hung up. Throughout the following week was hell and that’s when I discovered he had Instagram and he has been talking to that particular chick( has a family of her own) for weeks. Those messages where of a sexual nature pictures included. He then turned everything around on me stating it was all my fault.

    In later conversation he said sorry and that it was nothing it started like that but know there are just friends. He refuses to cut all ties with her and still has her on all social media platforms I have gave him an ultimatum but he doesn’t care he actually stated “I choose who I want to and don’t want to be friends with”. Every time I bring it up he gets angry or turns the situation around some how. I have been trying to keep it together was extremely difficult over the Christmas break.

    Our hole relationship has change there is no trust anymore after work he walks in has a shower walls out goes shopping washes his car or goes for a drive. I feel when I want to discuss how I feel he brushes it off and doesn’t care. He does t seem to be wanting to work for this relationship and I am finding it hard to deal with his lack of trying. Our relationship in the bedroom has changed , I don’t feel he is attracted to me anymore. I have reverted completely back into my shell I was doing the horses with my kids everyday and know I find it hard to leave the house. I I have lost heaps of weight and am finding it hard to eat. I can’t talk to anyone around me about it I know this sounds weird but I do t want them to judge him and I don’t want to feel like a fool. especially because they still have contact in person and over social media.

    I feel alone and empty I want to sleep all the time and every time I on my own all I do is cry, I can’t stop thinking about it, it makes me feel sick. And I have so much hatred towards his sister for encouraging this behaviour ( seen her messages as well) I feel like an idiot.

    the worst part was my brother warned me if they way would act when they would go to the pub together and I thought he was just trying to cause trouble. I do all ready suffer with PTSD and severe panic attacks/ anxiety and all of this has just brought it all back to the surface. I already get therapy I would just like to see what other people’s opinions are.

  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    282 posts
    11 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Hi Miah,

    I have read your post a couple of times with many thoughts going through my head. So if it is OK with you I will just let fly? And really, there is nothing you have done wrong, it is not your fault (as it might have been suggested to you!)

    He said that he is allowed to have his own friends. That is a fair enough statements. As a male, i also have some female friends, but I do not send messages to them of a sexual nature as your partner did. I also do not have any issue with people in my family looking at my phone. I also think that honesty in a relationship is very important, and this appears lacking on his side.

    I think part of the issue might be that you do not really know how far the talk goes on a daily basis especially given history. If you are anything like me, you probably take it to the worst case scenario. Perhaps on his side, if things are always argumentative his going out is a way of stopping that - of course that does nothing for the relationship.

    You also gave him an ultimatum, yet you are still together now. I could suggest couples therapy. You could ask him what is looking for in the relation that he feels is missing. Is there a way of finding some sort of compromise? Is there any way of mending the relationship? Does he truly understand your feelings on the matter without getting into an argument?

    The feelings you mentioned in your post I suppose you would have spoken to your therapist about already so I don't want to go there. Except that how it has left you feeling is very sad. I am sorry that you feel that low.

    These are all questions I cannot answer.

    I probably have not helped you or answered your questions, but I hope there is something here you might be able to grab onto. I hope you come back and tell more of your story and will find the answers you seek.

    Tim

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Checkers
    Checkers avatar
    1 posts
    11 January 2020 in reply to Miah
    I have been through all of this myself.. take my advice and find someone who appreciates you! Yes yes I know easier Said than done.. heard it all before but I also believed my husband that nothing happened sexually but come on ..really?! 5 years later and I look at him with hatred and no sexual desire. Yes we are still together but I wish I had never had taken him back all those years ago when he was groveling because it never worked out with the other woman! I will never trust him again and believe I deserve so much better! I even have inkling he has been with my "ex" best friend behind my back and I stupidly believe him. Good luck in whatever path you take! But talking from experience he doesn't care about you and you deserve so much better
    3 people found this helpful
  4. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    1339 posts
    13 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Dear Miah~

    I'd like to join Tim and Checkers in greeting you. I think you have done exactly the right thing is coming here and yes, you will certainly get other's opinions, unfortunately I'm not sure many will be of comfort.

    I'll start by saying I believe a realtionship involves trust, reliability, care and concern, a genuine and deep desire to look after the other partner. Mutual support and to enjoy being in their company. Being intimate is important too, it shows closeness, tenderness and mutual pleasure. Simply having fun with the other is also part of the mix. These exist, I am blessed and know.

    Your account works its way though each of these points and highlights their absence. From your account he simply does not care, his interests lie elsewhere. He is dishonest and tries to put the blame on you. Add to that PTSD and anxiety and you are facing a terible life.

    Of course you think about it all the time - your world has unraveled, and feeling sick, crying and losing weight are all signs of how bad things have got.

    I guess it may be time to step back and really look at the relationship you are in, and how far that is from the loving one you need and expect (as you should).

    You may think things will improve, well perhaps, though that normally starts with the partner who is in the wrong trying (consistently and hard) to make amends. You cannot hold it together for both of you, that takes both persons.

    You may think things will remain the same and you can bear it, however your reactions, both mental and physical do not seem to bear this out.

    I can't suggest what you do, other than ringing Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 for an outside perspective from professionals that deal with this sort of behavior all the time and can let you know what practical options are available to you.

    Some people might say leave. Sounds good but as so many have found it is not that simple. Kids, finances, practicalities, the end of hope are just some reasons why people stay. Others do leave, it is hard either way.

    So what support is there for you now? You do need it even if you think it will make you feel a fool (quite unjustified) and gets him judged -as he should be! Your brother or another family member perhaps? Someone to speak frankly with and get their care and help. You do need an ally. This is apart from the medical support and therapy which is so important too.

    I guess there is more for all of us to talk about, if you would like to come back?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    2076 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    I agree with checkers 100%

    At all times the future is about you not him. I would like you to go through the grieving process, grieving for your marriage alone and your uprooted life, to come to terms with it, which you need to go through before you can mentally move on.

    The road without him wont be easy but like checkers said, she could never trust him again. I also think there is more to do with this relationship than flirting. He is hiding a lot.

    Once the hard yards are endured you will recover and you will eventually date again and have some fun in life. At that point you'll be glad you made the move to find a new life.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Miah
    Miah avatar
    2 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Checkers
    Yes there is a constant thought that it went further just by reading the messages ie. they where organising to meet up and there where nudes sent both ways the list goes on I feel like I need to hate him to walk away and I am trying so hard. I hate myself for staying. I can’t undress in front of him anymore and I get so angry when he’s near by I just want to yell and scream constantly. I just want it to stop hurting and I am afraid to take the next step even tho I know what’s needs to happen. I am afraid of what will come next. I know it sounds stupid and Seth absorbed but I am 29 have four kids had to stop working and can longer work in the career I had since I left school because of my mental health. I will have to start over not just a relationship but literally everything. I have the constant worry that know one would even look twice at someone that is so Brocken and with the amount of responsibility that comes with me.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    1339 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Dear Miah~

    I know you want it to stop hurting, and anger and grief are all in the melting pot, probably with self-doubt and no confidence too. I'm not in the slightest surprised you do not wish to undress in front of him, he is after all a betrayer who trades nudes with others and greatly and cruelly devalues you in the process..

    It is not in the slightest self-absorbed or stupid to have a look at potential problems if you leave. Plus it is very scary. Some things may be reasonable, such as getting a job, caring for 4 kids and matters like that . Here I guess you need professional assistance. As I think I mentioned before Relationships Australia may be able to show you what resources are available to you. It may not be ideal, but then again it may not be as difficult as you imagine.

    You are not broken, grief stricken yes, broken no, you will do what is necessary for your kids and yourself. If you do have another relationship it will be with a different sort of person, one who values your strengths, knows you can be relied upon and have love inside to give. I don't thing the number of kids will be the problem, it will be easing you and the kids back to a place where they can trust. Anyone who is prepared to do that (and yes there are many) will be worth having.

    I believe you are only familiar wiht one type of person.

    It took me 15 years to gain a child's trust when I remarried after my first wife died, and I'm still working on it.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    3399 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Hello Miah, and I'm so sorry that this happened and appreciate all the replies sent back to you.

    I wonder whether an 'emotional' relationship with someone else will eventually end in them having a physical one, that's a thought that could possibly happen and something which will always annoy you, simply because the trust has gone, the truth is hidden and the relationship changes enormously.

    It's very difficult to regain the trust you once had, but have some confidence in yourself, there will be someone else out there that understands your position, simply because they too might have been exactly the same situation.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Lady Nova
    Lady Nova avatar
    15 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Honey I am so broken it's comical. I left my marriage with 3 kids, one with autism, and 2 single beds, after 25 years. I had no identity, no ID, I didn't drive, I had no money, I was sick with GAD, MMD, PTSD, chronic insomnia, GERD so bad I hardly ever kept a meal down, walking pneumonia, bulemia and adjustment disorder. I was a mess in so many ways. Before I could explain myself he had told everyone, including my family, that I was having affairs, that I was an alcoholic, he told police I left my son with autism in a car alone while I went off ( the car I didn't have and couldn't drive), he stalked me and he harassed me.

    My point is, I found someone, or he found me. I never held back on how broken I was and I gave him every opportunity to walk away. Not only did he not walk away, but he packed up and moved from Hobart to Sydney to be with me, and here we are 10 years on still being each other's rock. There are moment when my chaos cause arguments and disgruntlements, but communication and genuine loving feelings are all we need to meet in the middle where we are stronger together , than apart.

    I can wish at least that much for you. Do not stay "for the kids". Do not stay because you hope he will do better. He has had his chance to do better and steadfastly refuses to consider your feelings, your importance, your well being. He's not worth it, but you are worth everything, for you and your kids.

    Love yourself enough to give YOU another chance <3

    4 people found this helpful
  10. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    282 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Miah

    Hi, the other posters have made great replies so I won't reiterate what they said, but I just wanted to comment on about being broken...

    I was talking with my psychologist about being broken. That was the word I used. My psychologist wanted me to pick a different word. Cracked or chipped. I had previously watched a video on kintsugi - mending broken items with other materials (like gold). When I speaking with my psychologist about this, I did not really know too much about that form of art. I commented that it was not the same as before. On talking about it, came to the realisation that the "other materials" made the item unique and actually stronger. I will probably have to change it, but the background on my phone is a piece of kintsugi art - a once broken plate restored.

    There are other positives with kintsugi that you might like to the lookup on the web. I hope you get something from my little story. What happens to you or I does not necessarily happen to other people, and it makes us different, hopefully in a good way, and unique. You are worth some much more than you think,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Lady Nova
    Lady Nova avatar
    15 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    I am familiar with the art and admire it. Even the broken are redeemable.

    I sometimes feel that we should be able to self identify with words how we want to. I accept who I am and it took great courage and strength to be me, and stay and rebuild a life. I am many things and one of those things is, I am broken. I am a nutjob, a mental health consumer, and that's ok.

    I have had this discussion with my trauma specialist and my feedback from her is that words are just words, it's how we feel about them that matters. Being mentally ill is not being negative about me, it's just a small part of who I am and it's factual. My brain does not cope with, or interpret well, some input from the world, and it has a few quirky, sometimes debilitating, DIY design faults as a result of surviving, and that's ok. I have a poorly seasoned chemical brain soup, and that is ok.

    I enjoy my own descriptions, I own my words, they are mine ... and that's ok

    <3

    1 person found this helpful
  12. DonatoRD
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    DonatoRD avatar
    3 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    Good advice Crox's. I hope that Miah has a reality check and re-evaluate her marriage situation. Regards, Donato

  13. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    23 posts
    28 January 2020

    Hello Miah.

    I feel for you Miah and wondering if your partner needs to remember why he was attracted to you in the beginning.
    To be fair, he sounds very disrespectful, self-loathing and too busy checking out other options instead of looking after his family.
    As hard as it sounds, it's time to lift up your chin and focus on you.
    If you still love him (assuming so) then pull back and make him realise that he has the ability to [lose] you.
    Go out and do things you will enjoy, put in some 'you' time, focus on making yourself look fabulous and great and give him no attention.
    Make it back-fire in his face then place boundaries.
    This is my opinion but relationships can sometimes be a game.
    And remember, you are a great person, his discrepancies are not a reflection on you.

    Good luck.

    1 person found this helpful

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