Hello Jvan, thanks for reviving this thread because it's a very important one, something which could be pushed under the carpet, hidden or excuses being made all depending on what situation you are in.
I was in the same situation as your wife, although I never became aggressive nor did I hit anyone when I was in depression, and please don't be afraid to ask any questions.
I was able to abstain a few times and whether this can be taken as being in rehab is up to you, however, this maybe much different, simply because I had chosen not to drink, whereas being in rehab is where you are forced to go, or it's been suggested by your psych/doctor and you have to go.
You're are right there isn't anything you can do, it's up to your wife to decide if and when she wants to quit, and some don't even want to do this when their diagnosis is bad.
I can't tell you how sorry I feel for you and this also goes to Iron Forge and your kids, and feel the blame I put my family through.
Now I only drink socially and have built a terrific relationship with both my sons who often ask me for my opinion.
I also talk and see my ex, but both our situations have changed, all I want is communication.
Please ask me anything you like, I've got a hard skin.