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by smallwolf
23 hours ago

Topic: My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

  1. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hey Nameless!!

    Borderline here...just my user name has changed.

    I'm familiar with Vic prisons, specifically remand if you have any questions on the system.

    Take care of yourself

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22

    what you wrote to Leth was very encouraging:-Anyone who has been travelling in the wrong direction can always make the decision to turn around and come back the other way for the positive….. drug addiction is a terrible thing for the addict and the addicts family….. it s just heart breaking…

    That is so true and I hope that “turning around “is the case with my son and Leths brother and others who post here.
    it has become such a huge pandemic of a different disease and so many young people are turning to the wrong things for relief of their stress and anxiety .
    I agree that counselling Is essential .
    when you are hiding telling people as you feel you will be judged and talked about and because you want to protect your loved one, you need to talk to someone!!
    tha Ke to this forum for allowing these discussions.
    i wish I had found it sooner.
    Nameless1

  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1540 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Nameless1,

    Thank you I hope it encourages many….. I truly believe it….. addiction is such a horrible thing to watch someone you love go through….. the family are all impacted by the person going through addiction……

    We can only HOPE and pray the addict can turn their life around for the positive and be free of the addiction……

    If you ever want to see some true inspiration google Kyle Quilly…… he was a meth addict and spent 10 years in a Hawaii high security jail….. he walked out of jail …… sober….. he now spends his days going to schools educating young children of the dangers of drugs…….. his motto is Stay Humble Pray……….very inspiring man…

    I think our children need to be educated early of the dangers of drugs…..

    I understand you do need to talk to someone……… even if you have just one trusted friend…….

    There really needs to be more awareness addiction is a disease in itself …… very sad…

    I send you LOVE and I hope everything works out in the end for your family…..

    im always here to chat to you anytime……. You aren’t alone in this many families go through this I just wish more could speak about it to others so it can help them aswell in their own being………. Please never blame yourself sometimes people just make the wrong choices in life but they can always change direction…

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline

    Just a few questions if that is okay?

    How are remand prisoners treated differently to sentences prisoners ? Are they completely separated?

    Do they get paid for all work? My son doesn’t ring very much and doesn’t say much… is that common? He says it makes it hard to cope to speak to us too much .
    if they get a call from a lawyer are they meant to be there ready for it themselves or does someone get them?
    What is a good ting to write about or talk about to someone in prison?
    When we talk we are not even sure what to say as he wasn’t interested before and doesn’t ask now and don’t want to trigger off a reaction to news of the family. We write and constantly tell him we love and support him and will be there for him. We try to find things that are encouraging and remind him how important he is to us and that we all go through rough times swill get through this time. We remind him that there is hope for a good future etc if he can look to things to guide him. We share bits and pieces about my husband and myself and work etc. BUT we never know if any of that is the right thing to write ..we just follow are heart and hope it helps .

    is it okay to talk about any legal matters on the phone or in a letter? I k ow they say calls monitored and emails checked If not how do you get that sort of privacy
    Another hard thing is family: Our son didn’t want family to know where he was … so they just know he is working away from home and wants some space and privacy. His older sibling a hadn’t been living at home with him during his last few difficult years. They have possibly guessed though . But will they be angry with us when they find out that we didn’t share this with them?

    How does it work after and AVL for a court case if he is to be released as far when ams as far as him getting home or picked up ? Maybe these are silly questions but you can’t find out much about some of this .

    What area of the prison do you work in? (If you are allowed to answer this )

    thanks

    Nameless1

  5. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Thanks Petal22,

    All we can do from here is love them and not judge them. There is a reason for whatever is happening inside them but that is the hard part. When you cannot get inside their minds or they can’t talk to you about it.
    we hope and pray a lot.
    I will look up the story of the man you suggested. What a great way to use his experiences and move forward!!

    Thanks for replying and I look forward to chatting again soon.
    It is hard to be open as for so long we have feared telling anyone. I still worry I am giving too much information and say too much!!

    thanks for your support

    Nameless1

  6. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1540 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    That’s ok Nameless1,

    Yes we never do know what someone is truly going through unless we have been there ourselves…….. I can only imagine how they would love to be free of addiction……

    Kyle really is an inspiration…….. I hope you receive something for you to hold onto from googling him…… he is HOPE I think to many addicts…..

    Thats great you hope and pray a lot…. 🙏

    I understand, the good thing is these forums are anonymous…… please chat to me any time….

    I do understand the fear though, if only people could learn to be more understanding and not so judgemental what a beautiful world it would become….

    Please reach out to me any time…….. hold onto your HOPE

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    No problems asking questions, I've been there a long time now...and I understand how difficult it can be for families not knowing the processes of the prison.

    On remand all prisoners mix, so murderers are in the same place as petty thieves. The only ones separated are sex offenders.

    Once sentenced, he'd be given an prisoner rating based on the charges....which determines where he is sent to complete his sentence.

    He would have the option to work, they can around $30 a week by doing this....if he chooses not to work they are paid about $14 in umployment.

    In regards to him calling you, he can do that during out of cell hours, but it is up to him to manage his budget...if he chooses to buy lollies and snacks instead of phone credits that's ultimately his decision.

    If he makes calls to his legal rep those conversations are not monitored, they are private. But you are not his legal rep so they are not private and could possibly be used to incriminate him.

    I've worked both as an officer and someone who discharges them out of the jail, if he is to be released from custody via AVL, he will receive whatever personal monies he has in his account, we would call his nominated person to discuss whether they'd come and get him, if not he's provided a daily public transport ticket to get him where he needs to go.

    Families are always encouraged to write letters, and the basis of the letters is about support, and giving them something to look forward to when getting out....so they think of the future not present situation.

    Not sure about telling family members, I think if he's told you not too, I'd respect that decision.

    Jail is hard, especially for first timers....it may be the best thing for him at this stage.

    Feel free to ask any more questions if you need

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1540 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Nameless,

    I know a mum who has been in this situation……..

    her advice to you is….. stay strong

    if you can visit him in prison visit him

    Support him and give him unconditional love

    If you can tell his siblings tell them they can also support him….

    be supportive as you can to your son

    Speak to a trusted friend…… if you feel people will judge you because of your son’s situation they aren’t worth knowing

    Time heals all wounds…… give it time…

    ❤️

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Apologies I missed a couple of questions.

    If the lawyer schedules a conference call to discuss his case, his unit staff will ensure he attends at the required time.

    If you wish to discuss his legal matters in privacy my advice would be to visit him prison or over a zoom call....no one is present or listening.

    Coming into a prison can be quite confronting for a family member, prepare yourself....it can be quite callous and cold.

    In regards to him not being able to call or speak properly....there's usually two phones available to around 80 prisoners in the unit, they are time limited to 12 minutes a call. I'm assuming when he says he can't talk or use it....he means he has no privacy as they're in common areas....or other prisoners in the unit are denying him access to it.

    It sounds horrible, and it probably is to him...but that unfortunately is jail. There's only a few top dogs in there and new guys realise pretty fast they're no longer the alpha they believed they were on the outside.

    Not trying to scare you, im letting you know the unfortunate truths of what he's dealing with in there. It doesn't surprise me at all he's withdrawn a bit.

    Keep doing what you're doing, and supporting him as best you can.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi borderline,

    Another question is about when he comes out..though not sure what your experience is here .We have been trying to prepare for whenever he is released. We have read comments on other threads here and things you have written to others.
    We have looked up post release support agencies and programmes like with VACRO, and all the info from corrections so we can be realistic of the risks snd problems and what is available. I know it will be hard and struggling with that despite the support of my husband , counsellor/GP, friends ( most don’t know where he is though.. just he is struggling with ), church ministers( who do know,). We don’t actually know anyone who has gone through this to know what ofthe resources are actually helpful and work. I know he has to want to make a difference but with his past mental health issues he struggles then.
    We pray for change and healing of course.

    We have tried to alsolook after ourselves so we are stronger and more resilient and more about to support him. Gardening, exercise, counselling pray/Bible study, grandson, keeping busy and occupied . Sometime a real mental battle for us but we keep taking a step at a time and a day at a time!!

    Before being arrested he was not coping despite going to see health professionals which he started to hate. There was a lot going on we didn’t know about at the time. He wanted us to take him to appointments but would be very difficult getting him up and going. He was often very angry. Then a friend started to support him more and he started to make changes and improve but something else happened and was arrested . It was such a horrible day.

    He has settled in remand from what he has says. He started doing work and is doing a course and goes to the gym 6 days a week, sport etc . He doesn’t tell us much so not really sure how he issue what help has has been given. Doesn’t say much I the calls or write etc

    many suggestions would be a great help!

    Thank you so much did all your help

    nameless1

  11. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    I guess my first question would be....is he a drug user?

    Was his criminal offence a result of drug use?

    Don't need details of what he's charged with, just general info on what occurred leading up to him being incarcerated.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22 . Thank you so much for that caring advice!! I will remember all that!!

    We haven’t been able to visit due COVID and he didn’t want the video call but I write every 2 weeks💕

    Nameless1

  13. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline,

    I am so sorry not to answer your question it I am very nervous talking about my son more specifically, even in this forum, as he still is in remand. I have only told one friend , ministers at a church and no family where he is

    I found these threads when I googled release from prison and it came up with one on sadness and grief from incarceration. And you could read the posts without being a member. Helpful yes, but as my son still in remand I hate to say more. Trying not to be paranoid but this experience leaves you like this.
    So let’s just say PTSD triggered off behaviours that resulted in him being where he is and still on remand due to COVID delaying all the normal legal processes I would like to say more but feel I can’t . No offence meant to anyone one 🌺🌸. Another question…
    After court via AVL if they are given CCO or parole
    what is the procedure then for release? It isn’t covered in what you read as it is all pre COVID information. We try and keep calls to the lawyer a minimum!!!!
    Thank you again for your help.

    Nameless1

  14. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    I think from all my years inside the prison and dealing with inmates and families it appears to be a common theme....that families will bend over backwards to help them, to justify their offending and why they are now inside.

    From the other side the prisoners take very little blame for their offending, it is always someone else's fault, the illnesses fault, my family didn't do this, or whatever choice did I have but to commit this offence....there's always a reason for why they're not to blame and everyone else is.

    To put in bluntly, they have no accountability and to an extent families enable that behaviour first.

    I challenge them in jail, I ask them what they're going to do when they're released, I tell them to make life style changes so that they never return again....its ultimately up to them to do it.

    You can plan every intervention, program or assistance to them, but its upto to them to do it. They should be researching this themselves, finding out themselves what they should do....its all available to them inside...they choose not to act on it.

    In regards to CCOs think of it as a long term bail on top of a sentence....judge will say what he wants him to do.

    Report to such and such at this day for 12 months

    Complete all treatments recommended by such and such.

    If he doesn't follow through....back to prison he goes.

    Most start the day after release

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline,

    Thanks for all that.

    I am sure from ignorance we do enable them in their behaviour … helping them too much, putting up with too much and also not knowing enough help to know how to respond or is that a cop out ? Not sure…

    And how do we not enable them. They say make boundaries but what are good boundaries for someone just released . What does help and support look like? How much behaviour will be reaction to coming home and how much is unacceptable? How much should we feel sorry for them and much needs to be tough love

    sirry god babbling and sounding incredibly anxious. Croix said use commonsense which is certainly good advice. Just trying to fine tune what this will look like.
    Thanks again. I appreciate your insights and observations.
    Nameless1




  16. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Support is being there with them, every step of the way.

    But they take the first step, you follow...and if they stumble you steady them until they step forward again.

    Strong boundaries are following through on what you decide is not tolerable.

    If he agrees to attend an appointment, set that boundary...don't allow him to say he's too tired, or he doesn't feel like it today.

    Follow through with the boundary, he will test it daily, he will try to push it and see how far it goes...its human nature.

    Support him in recovery, go with him to appointments, talk with him about what he's thinking, take him to the shops to get his medication, Support him to socialise with the right people...that's what support is to me!! Not doing everything for him...you only learn by doing and trying.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1540 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Nameless1,

    Thats ok, I’m always here remember that……..

    Just something I will add…… when your son does come out of prison just try to guide him into normal life…..

    It would have been a horrible day when your son was arrested something no parent wants to witness….

    Thats great your son has started work in prison and doing a course…… the gym would be excellent….

    One thing Kyle said was when he was in jail he worked out, worked on himself and prayed a lot…

    He stayed positive he told himself jail was not his home and one day he was going to get out.

    Another thing I will say is when your son is in jail he could teach himself to have a positive mindset tell himself positive things every day….., renewing of the mind is a wonderful thing….

    Thats lovely you write every 2 weeks I’m sure he would look forward to receiving your letter………

    They usually have an account in prison to buy toiletries ect you can pay into this account if you want to…….

    😊

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Thanks Borderline,

    It is becoming clearer.

    We did have battles with appointments before and I would push and push till he got in that car and I would drive him. He thanked me usually on the way home. Near the end he refused and I had no back up plan of consequences. We had talked about going , and when, and made arrangements for getting up in time like the earlier ones but the last 2 times I couldn’t get him to go and he cancelled another.

    If he decides to live at home I know I need to enforce the boundaries but the emotional outbursts and other factors were hard to cope with before, so I hope they don’t return with him.

    I guess their may be appointment times he has to attend that if he doesn’t get to will have dire consequences for him from the people he didn’t see !!

    Another question about prison life, what are the responsibilities they have in a day as far as washing, cleaning etc. I know they have a routine time for the main meals and checking in and medication . Work and study and exercise fits in around all that.

    I hope he can continue with a routine and get work and continue with his gym etc and be motivated to work on projects at home.

    It would be good to hear what other parents have done that works so he doesn’t end up sitting on the couch, watching tv or sleeping all day!!

    Thanks for your time in responding. I hope you don’t mind.
    Nameless1

  19. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22,

    Thanks for replying.
    He has been in remand for a while due to COVID delaying everything.
    Our lawyer told us about sending money and emailing.

    Good advice about guiding and supporting him back to normal life.

    I just worry about the friendship side of things and that the ones that part of his life before have moved on elsewhere and leave him alone and vice versa. As borderline said, we need boundaries, but some things we don’t have control over.

    We pray a lot and have worked through having a positive mindset with our counsellor so we are ready hopefully to be strong and supportive .
    In my emails I have tried to encourage him with that as well.
    thanks for the encouragement and look forward to hearing from you again. It is maki g such a difference to be able to chat with you and others who understand .

    Nameless1

  20. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1540 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    That’s ok Nameless1, happy to support you…… 😊

    Yes I understand, I think it has to come from within your son to want to change… for him not to associate himself with those people anymore…… he needs to delete their contacts in his phone and get a new phone number…..

    Im here to chat to you, I’m glad I can make a difference for you…. I do understand 😊

    Chat to me any time

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Thats fine, happy to answer any questions you have.

    The prison will supply fresh linen (towels and bedding) once a week, and they will laundry wash his clothes once a week.

    If he chooses to wash his clothes himself, he can do that in the unit....most don't, some do.

    Routine wise, it's very structured from a prison operations perspective, medication at set times, meals at set times, counts at set times etc....but outside of that there's not alot for them to do....there's only so much exercising they can do each day, the rest is spent sitting around watching TV or talking to other prisoners.

    Talking to other prisoners can be an issue, they network in there....find new avenues to purchase illegal substances on the outside, find new ways to sell etc...it can backfire and they come out better criminals.

    You and husband need to discuss the boundaries and the consequences, im not sure what consequences there could be though. Perhaps speak to his case manager for his CCO on what can be done to ensure he attends these appointments.

    When you talk about these outbursts and yelling etc, that is his way of avoiding doing what he doesn't want to do...he knows in the past that by behaving poorly he gets his way, that needs to stop...if he becomes abusive and refuses to follow his CCO, threatens or attempts to intimidate you into getting his way....call the police...let them come to the house and make it clear to him this behaviour isn't on...and if he does it again...have them arrest him and he can then learn to understand he can no longer behave and treat his family like that....it sounds harsh but that's unfortunately the type of thing you'll need to do.

    We get guys like him everyday, first timers, used to be menacing to family, partners and abusing there way to get the desired outcome they want.

    They try it as soon as they get off the bus, there first day in the unit....unfortunately what they soon discover is that people like me and other officers are not intimidated and we don't allow it to continue, it's nipped in the buds immediately.

    I truly hope he's learnt a valuable lesson in there, it either goes two ways....scares them straight...or makes them worse.

    The fact he's breached bail multiple times, and your concerns of his behaviour coming out leads me to believe he won't follow the conditions of the CCO and will wind back up in custody.

    Nows the time to be strong, strong for you and him....you can still love/support him and not tolerate abuse and bad behaviour.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline

    tha ksnfor painting the picture as it is and not avoiding telling me some of what goes on and what will need to be done. Yes we need to be strong. We have never been in this situation before and need to know what ro expect and be prepared. There is stuff we will never know about prison. You have seen it all before. Maybe kids at school need hear someone speak to them about prison!! They get blasé about seeing all the police shows.. all a bit unreal.

    He does work and courses and tries to stay busy is what he has said.

    This maybe very naive and unrealistic but It is a shame that they aren’t made to do more with the time in the day rather than sit around. If it only encourages them to network etc why give them so much free time? More compulsory training/ attempted rehab while they are …again I am sure I am speaking from experience with the prison system. Some choose to work and do the courses. That is good , but others might actually enjoy doing more than just sitting around, even if they are made to at first. Most men need to stay more active . It may stop some reoffending perhaps . There are probs lot lots of reasons why that doesn’t happen I am sure as I have never worked in a prison!!! Sorry off topic.

    Thanks again for your honesty and feelTo be as honest as you need. I have bombarded you with so many questions . Only then can we be a bit better prepared … and we are a lot stronger than we were in the early days of all this so we need to hear it
    Nameless1

  23. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    30 June 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    For the most part programs like drug, alcohol and gambling rehabs are done in sentenced prisons, and are usually requirements for early release on parole set out by the judge.

    As remand prisoners they are not required to do programs so they choose not to, and to be honest most don't want to do them, they like to use and sell drugs and have no interest in changing lifestyles.

    Those who do try and sign up for programs are typically left waiting months, as remandees they are low priority and sentenced prisoners take the spots.

    We have teams in the prisons who facilitate sports, games etc during the day....but most are not used....those staff typically stand in the yard with their sports gear going unused.

    You know you're son, what do you think his attitude is going to be coming out of there?

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline,

    Sorry, I haven’t replied .. busy day with my grandson yesterday.
    After many attempts to write this, my answer to your question on his attitude to coming out is:-

    His goal in life has been to have a good job family, friends and be able to buy his own house. Helping out people. I believe that still is.

    However , haven’t been able to have long conversations with our son, snd he isn’t good at writing and ringing and talking about his emotions as It is often hard to hear him and there isn’t any privacy. If some attempts at changes the month before the arrest, and his remorse when and after he was arrested and the fact he is trying to work, stay fit and do a course, is a good sign, then we are hoping that is shows he will have a good attitude about never going back to jail when he comes out . Depends on who he mixed with, effects or remand on mental health issues …PTSD and bullying (work related and anxiety) ans loss and disappointment , … and getting things together, dealing with any issues that still plague him, accepting help and guidance, and finding new friends and activities and a purpose in life. We have seen him give up when it seems too hard, but we have seen him be strong and move forward in life too!!
    Thanks for an important question

    Nameless1

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Its a life changing commitment he has to sign up for, hopefully this was the wake up call he needed.

    Take care of yourself, he's your son but you and your husband need to put yourself first.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Borderine,

    I hear your important message. My husband and I have come a long way ..together !!

    We just spoke to our son again and he said he has been trying to stay busy with course , work snd exercise as he doesn’t want to sit around all the time as time goes more slowly .

    A really positive thing is he said that he wants to go to sleep every night having learnt something new from the day . Wehave taken yours and other advice about what to talk about and focussed on a couple of things he mentioned were good ..exercise .. and he said a lot about that and was very positive .
    I hope have a good day!! We are having grandparent time!!

    Nameless 1

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Borderline or whenever else reads this,
    Sorry I haven’t posted recently

    We spoke to our son again. There has been some preparation for his court case so he is needing the contact again
    That’s one of my biggest concern… maintaining that positivity . In reality I am not sure how long it will take to get work. Work was very important to him .
    We have been busy getting ready…reading through lots of things from you and the other resources to prepare ourselves for whenever he comes home… from what we need to know to things he will need to do and have to do himself.

    His lawyer has gone do over the various scenarios of what could happen but won’t know till the case is held.

    It is a bit of a waiting game really… what will happen, will he get more sentenced beyond time served, or will he come out, will he live at home or somewhere else , will he get CCO or something else? IF gets more sentence will he stay where he is just in another section or move move away and how will he go with a move? Will he continue with his positive attitude he seems to have , or struggle to keep routine and activities. Once he isn’t it…. Will he get work, and how about friends? . While there he had work and study and a gym and other sports to fill up his days and in the common areas people to cook with together with the extra things they can buy and play cards when. It soo g his other activities. They can’t avoid doing what they are asked to do. When he comes home depending on how much freedom he has, it is up to him.

    So many unknowns as the day creeps closer.
    I presumed they couldn’t smoke, so I never asked him, so if they can smoke I hope he didn’t go back to it as he had started to give up.
    A few things you don’t read about…I am not sure what to do with some alcohol in his room .. remove it or just leave it .
    They say that the first few days , week they are at high risk, so do you hide any medications in the house ?
    If he gets anxious I know all the people he CAN ring but who is the BEST to ring for someone just out of prison who is feeling anxious .

    I guess they get phones again and can begin driving around again so it will be hard to monitor those things I guess so need to work out the best way to have those conversations.
    Will he want to reconnect with people they met inside ! I guess they get a bit of a connection with people going through the same thing
    Anyway, just veniting to people who will understand .

    Thanks for listening

    Nameless 1


  28. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Nameless,

    Good to hear your trying to plan and prepare for his return to social freedom.

    My question to you is....what is he doing to prepare for release? What boundaries is he putting in place to change his life?

    As all I can see is you doing all the work for him, I can't see him taking ownership of his future if he is completely reliant on you to do all the hard work for him.

    Thats not a slight against you, you're clearly a caring mother....but its time he grew up, and makes adult choices....turning to drugs and crime isn't an adult path....its a way of escaping what needs to be done.

    He'll give you every excuse under the sun for why "he's relapsed" or why "he didn't meet his obligations"....they are simply excuses.

    I suffer PTSD and my life has been severely affected by my work in prison, but I do not make decisions to engage in criminal activity or drug use. That is a choice he makes...there are many other avenues he could follow.

    In regards to alcohol in his room, it's your house...you simply tell him that whilst he's living with you and you're supporting his recovery you don't want alcohol in your house. Booze is a pathway to marijuana, which is a pathway to meth.. .follow my drift.

    In regards to the question about if he sentenced to more time...yes 100% he will be moved to a sentenced prison.....and this will be based on what security rating he is....A, B or C. Typically within days of sentencing they leave remand facilities.

    aanymore questions feel free to ask...I'm always around and will respond.

    And as always take care of yourself and your husband first.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    391 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Forgot to respond to the smoking thing. If in VIC smoking is banned inside prisons or any government building for that matter.

    As disgusting as it sounds....they all smoke tea bags in prison (yes drinking tea bags) they roll them like a cigarette and smoke them. Most do....but they're not actual cigarettes.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    145 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Borderline

    Thanks for replying

    Good comments and thanks for the answers .

    Thanks for the reminders . I know I will have to be careful not to do the work . From being too caring and need tough love. There is the part of me that loves researching u formation and fixing and I know I will have to be careful I don’t step over that boundary. Truly , I was trying to be careful of that as you commented before about how they need to take a step then we follow and support, and if they stumble we e courage them to get up and keep going. I know he needs to do it. Then all the resources talk about planning so we wanted to find out what planning was needed … what we need to know to plan for our sanity and where there is support for us. I also needed to know what he can have access to when he came out and what he would have had in remand. We wanted to know what can go wrong and what will be hard.
    We will need to find out what he has been planning for release . It was hard when he didn’t contact us but now he is ringing more again and talking about things a bit more we hope we can find out .
    I’m sorry to hear about your PTSD from your prison work . Your good advice obviously comes from experiencing hardships and not dealing with it by succumbing to crime . Thank you for sharing that.
    I have taken note of what you have said and will make
    sure we stick to it!!
    Tea bags? Never heard if that before. We have never smoked, only our son . I wonder if he will
    ever say if he did or not.

    Bye for now

    Nameless 1

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