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Topic: Need clarity of my situation

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rk2020
    Rk2020 avatar
    1 posts
    25 October 2020

    Hi

    I have never posted anything before. I’m in a a situation which I never dreamt of. So currently I’m living with my 2 kids alone in Australia as moved from another country 4 yrs ago with husband.
    I’m working full time and kids goto after school care 4 days a week.
    It was the husbands choice to relocate in Australia although I was open to this and excited initially.
    Unfortunately he decided his career was not doing well therefore decided to move back but due to my career thriving here I was reluctant to come back with him and he has not persisted that I should come back with him.
    He is back to his whole family i.e. his parents ,siblings , friends etc.

    Although I’m happy with my career here but the burden of looking after 2 kids with no friends or family around and not much help financially from him I feel like I’m burning both ends of the candles .

    I have to keep working to provide for the 2 kids and support their education.
    Im paying for the mortgage/ household bills/ council rate/ electricity etc etc.

    He on the other hand is buying a house with the deposit paid by his parents back in his country and not planning to put my name as second occupant as complications with me being overseas...

    I don’t have any emotional connect with him and speak to him once a week along with the kids. The kids are happy here and enjoying their school.

    I feel quite lonely and isolated here and I don’t know if this relationship is worth keeping at all. I am worried about my future and stressed that if I fall ill or become unwell then I don’t have any support here for me and the kids.
    On the other hand I’m not open as yet to any other relationships here as I have heard horrible stories about new partners taking advantage and abusing the woman and the kids.
    I know if I clarify things with him and agree to come back he would b very happy but I’m not sure if I will be miserable back there with him ..

    Do you think he has abandoned the family and being selfish or am I being stubborn not to go back with him to give the kids a complete family package?

  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13477 posts
    25 October 2020 in reply to Rk2020

    Hello Rk2020, thanks for posting your comment an from what you have told us, he has put a deposit on a home in another country and bypassing you by not including you as there is no emotional connection, then going back to him won't make you happy.

    Your kids are happy and that's very important plus you're happy with your career, then changing this could only make the situation worse.

    If you become sick, hopefully not, your kids will be taken care of, enjoy what you have going, then you'll be in a good mind to move forward even further.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  3. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    25 October 2020 in reply to Rk2020

    Hi Rk2020,

    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for reaching out for support and advice.

    "Do you think he has abandoned the family and being selfish or am I being
    stubborn not to go back with him to give the kids a complete family
    package?"

    This may not be easy to give a 'yes' or 'no' as I feel there are many layers building to this outcome.

    "Unfortunately he decided his career was not doing well therefore
    decided to move back but due to my career thriving here I was reluctant
    to come back with him and he has not persisted that I should come back
    with him"

    For instance, what was the conversation surrounding his decision while
    knowing that you were happy and doing well in your career while his
    status was diminished by lesser success? Up to this point, was the relationship on a sound footing?

    His return may have been prompted by your success in a bid to remove this power from you since your reluctance to move - in a way, he may have exploited your preference to his advantage. In this case, it is sad you could not receive the support from your husband but instead find a level of emotional/financial blackmail to force an outcome in his favour. If not for you personally, your husband should still show willingness to provide for the children who are the innocent victims undeserving of such treatment and I also feel sorry for them that their father has effectively abandoned them (- a weekly phone call is not adequate parenting).

    So perhaps there is a mutual stand off awaiting one or the other to weaken - a battle of wills, where the one to concede will feel worse. Have you discussed separation (officially) with your husband? This may clear a path to finding a resolution (both good and bad) as I think you may be in a stalemate with you being more on the losing end.

    Regarding future relationships, joining social groups (culturally focused) and becoming familiar with a strong support network can avoid any unpleasant surprises - not need to dive in before testing the waters...

    Regards,

    t.

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