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Topic: Need support Not sure what to do.

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lost1975
    Lost1975 avatar
    4 posts
    15 January 2020

    I have been in a relationship with a guy since November 2018. In feb 2019 I moved states to be with him as it was easier for me to move than him as his job is interstate truck driver and his boss it great to work for.

    i moved my whole life left friends,family ect but I got a transfer for my employment so that’s a positive. When I first met him he was awesome very understanding and sweet. I thought I’d finally found someone that will treat me right. And someone that would appreciate I had two children aged 13 and 18. I had just come out of a 8 yr relationship 12 mths before hand and thought I’d give it one more shot At happiness. The start of the relationship was great but as soon as I moved States things went pair shape. He is in the middle of family law fighting to get his house and car and all his things back from his past relationship this Has been going on since June 2018. She has a AVO out on him for apparently using violence though out the 7yr relationship. Her story didn’t add up to me but since he has been threatening me with violence too - this happened after a blue . We have had our blues but it always seems like it’s my fault

    he knows I have had a hard life, I grew up in foster homes coz my stepfather was a bastard to me. I have had bad relationships and been treated like a dog. He knows I have PTSD, depression but he holds that over my head saying things like “ your mad , have you had your pills, your on the wrong medication go get it reviewed “ I have been on the same medication for years and I’m ok if I don’t get stressed out. I try and talk to him about our problems but he just thinks it’s just me carrying on. If he says something that hurts my feelings I am told to harden up. I have low self esteem and he knows that but as he tells me “ it’s my problem not his “. Sometimes my partner will have a go at me for doing something that pisses him off but if he does the same thing it’s ok. If I say something about it his comment will be “well you do it “ but even if I stop doing it. it’s hard to paint. Picture of what’s going on but I’m lost in what to do. We have some good times but it seems only short lived and it always ends up that it’s all my doing. Since moving here it’s been a long hard road. It’s a small country town with everyone being so clicky. I have no friends and all I do is work and come home .


  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    2076 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Lost1975

    Hi Lost, welcome

    Relationship advice is not an easy thing to offer, it is based on personal opinion by people like me that are not professionals so as long as you know that.

    Early signs appear to be that this man doesnt fit in the love glove of what you require nor desire. The "good times" do not compensate for the negatives he is dishing out and his history with his ex re: violence tells you everything but I must highlight- this in no way is something you can be blamed for. Early emotions eg " I thought I’d finally found someone that will treat me right." was based on initial feelings and that is entirely understandable. You are being too hard on yourself.

    I would pack up and leave and return to your life where you lived. Your children will secretly thankyou for it if not straight away, soon.

    A bit early to say this but I've had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years. I've had a narcissist and an alcoholic and like you was going to give up. In fact I had a cabin built in the hills to be on my own with my daughter. My best friend, I invited her for a dinner 10 years ago and we ended up marrying, I'm very happy. She is "mum" to my daughter. So it is a case I think to remain open minded and in future take more time deciding your future. If you move in with someone you havent had one big argument with, you get a shock as to how they handle it.

    I wish you well. Your future is yours to decide.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. Lost1975
    Lost1975 avatar
    4 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi tony, thank you for your reply. You make sense , I understand what your saying he isn’t treating me the way I deserve and the love glove doesn’t fit him in this case. I can’t move back to my old life as my 18 yr old daughter has found love here and her partner is awesome and treats her very well. I would never leave her behind. Home is 7 hrs away. I am looking for my own house and hopefully all works out. I have a 14 yr old son who lives with me and it’s not fair on him to be involved in the toxic relationship. My kids are my world. I got myself into this and it’s up to me to get myself out of it.

    Im glad you didn’t give up on love god bless you and your wife .

  4. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    46 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Lost1975

    Hi there

    Sorry you haven't received more support. A great suggestion that I read here on the forums is "give support to receive support". A kind word can be so valuable to someone struggling.

    I have to agree with what Tony has written, that things don't quite fit in your current relationship. I've just got out of a relationship myself, with a partner who was unsupportive (and quite unkind) when it came to my mental health struggles. The addition of violence in yours, is not healthy or safe for you or your children and I think it's quite sensible that you sound like you've made the decision to go your own way.

    Kind thoughts, Katy

    1 person found this helpful

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