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Topic: Not in a Happy Place

  1. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    11 October 2019

    Hello everyone,

    This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

    I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

    I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

    Thankyou for listening

    take care

    Jayne

  2. Desedrata
    Desedrata avatar
    10 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Jayne,

    I think it would be a really good idea if you call the hotline at the top of the page. Where love is involved it is best to talk things through with a professional. They will help you help yourself in a non-biased way.

    Big hug

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1388 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Jayne~

    You have had some pretty horrible thngs happen to you. For the moment I would like to suggest that your relationship sounds most unhappy, with a controlling and threatening person.

    Being discouraged from having your own job, and being isolated from friends is most probably a symptom of a particular type of abusive person.

    May I suggest you talk to those who are very experienced in this area, 1800REPECT (1800 737 732). They can give you an outside view -perspective, and can realistically discuss your options. After all it may not be easy to follow your inclinations without your own source of funds, they may have suggestions.

    With PTSD, anxiety and depression (things I'm familiar with, may I ask if you have a competent medical team to help you though? I simply kept getting worse until I did.

    Is there anyone in your life to give you support -family perhaps? You sound very alone.

    We are always here and understand

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Desedrata

    Hello Desedrata,

    Thank You for your reply. I hadn’t thought about calling the hotline. It would have to be when I have time on my own as my husband would totally freak if he found I was telling strangers about our personal life.

    Thank You again

    Petals54 (Jayne)

  5. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Thank You for your reply. It’s a strange situation that I am in, although my husband isn’t fully controlling or abusive( ie I have money, I can go out etc) I’m not sure if what I am dealing with is abuse? He just has these paranoid, ADHD, Anger issues, which makes me anxious and stressed when he really does go off over trivial things. My PTSD was diagnosed back in 2012/13 and with counseling it seemed to be ok, with the Perimenopause it has unfortunately brought everything back as my hormones/ mindset is all over the shop.... My husband wants me all to himself I guess and he would rather I didn’t get a job, he would give me reasons not to go for a job such as “There would be a lot of sleaze bags working there” so I don’t bother trying. Unfortunately I do not have friends or family I can talk to, anyone I do get close to such as neighbors, he will find something wrong with them and talk behind their backs. He would go right off if he even knew I was in here talking to strangers about how i’m feeling. I certainly can’t talk to him about this, he assumes that I am over my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, he wouldn’t understand why I am feeling this way.

    I am going through every day with a smile plastered on my face, every day with my husband is the same, even on the weekend, same, same,same! I am screaming inside and feel that soon I will have a full on breakdown.

    Thank You again for your reply

    Petals54 (Jayne)

  6. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    Welcome to the forums. I hope u don't mind me saying this but jealousy and control are characteristics of emotional abuse.

    You sound very intelligent and that you'ld like to get your life back away from the way he is making u feel which isn't secure and happy.

    I have been in a similar relationship, left, stayed friends-he was much better as a friend and moved and moved on.

    It feels free-ing.

    You deserve nothing less than respect and a partner you can be yourself with. This situations sounds depletive and exhausting.

    Ive called 1800 respect and they were great.

    I wish you all the best and we are always here to listen.

    MMx

    3 people found this helpful
  7. Desedrata
    Desedrata avatar
    10 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Petals54
    I know when I was in such a relationship I was not permitted to have a bath and he always wanted to shower with me. I had to tell him it was a practical shower and even then he'd try and join me. I'd have to make sure the water was virtually cold so, he wouldn't join me just so that I had that few moments to myself. If however you have a bath at your place and you can get some alone time in there, it is a good oppurtunity to call the hotline assuming you can't be heard from in that room in your home. Also, the pubilc toilets under the excuse of an upset stomache and that you might be a while. Might give you enough time to make the call.
    3 people found this helpful
  8. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi monkey _magic,

    Thank you for your reply. I guess I hadn’t thought of it as being emotional abuse but it makes sense. No, it seems I cannot be myself where my husband is concerned, he picks on things I say or anxiety mannerisms that I have while we are out, he says it makes me a target to others...I keep telling him this is who I am, take it or leave it, he gets the upsets and says it up to you.... I feel like the can’t win, but also I have become a “yes” person where he is concerned. I do not want a confrontation and as such go along with whatever is happening at the time, including sex which I have to say with the Perimenopause is basically just going through the motions.....

    I just want my old life back...

    Thank you again and I will try the 1800 respect number.

    petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  9. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    The good news is with courage life is changeable and things can improve. I'm thinking without the partner or with couples therapy but that's not for me to determine.

    You poor thing. It's a one way street in the bedroom. I feel he should be more supportive so you dont have to always be that yes person.

    I remember chatting to someone on here that said the exact same thing. They had to be a certain way to avoid confrontation. There's a power imbalance there.

    I will send you strength. It's a really hard situation that your faced with and I feel for you.

    I hope you find some comfort here.

    Remember you really do hold the power to make the changes you need to be happy. You are number one. It's your beautiful life.

    MMx

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1388 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Jayne~

    It is precisely becsue when in a poor relationship it is hard to realise that in fact it is poor -or abusive - that 1800REPECT is suggested. It does not mean you are planning on moving out or doing anything drastic, it simply allows you to find out what is happening (i.e. gain perspective).

    If you do talk to them please do not give in to the temptations to excuse or mini-mise, please just sat it as it is -and how it makes you feel. Let them draw the conclusions.

    What you do once you have the unvarnished facts is another matter. Being a 'yes' person, going his way for peace, being intimate when not feeling good about it are all things you need to have rectified, otherwise you can get to the stage of seriously de-valuing yourself.

    As MM says, you need to be happy and fulfilled, not living in someone's shadow, it is your right.

    Croix

    3 people found this helpful
  11. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    13 October 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Yes, absolutely agree, I do need to put everything in perspective and take it from there. It’s just a matter of getting time to myself to make the call. I guess the funny thing is I have been through this situation twice before and in a way was easier to deal with, I’m kind of angry at myself for not seeing the same signs sooner as they say sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees ( I think that’s right)

    Although I do love my husband( maybe not as much as I used to) and I don’t regret marrying him, looking back now I think we should have stayed single as I think we were better on our own.

    Thanks for you reply

    Petals54

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    13 October 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    Thank You for you reply and sending your strength my way, it means a lot. Yes, I agree that not only do I hold the power but if I want/ need change only I can achieve that, no one else can change my situation for me. As I mentioned to Croix, I have been in similar situations before, walked away with nothing after my first marriage and bounced back straight into a 7 relationship from hell with a mummy’s boy control freak... after which I was on my own for 6 years and met up with my old work mate, now my husband.... we should have stayed friends and stayed in our own.... hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!?!

    my husband has also been married before and she left after 11years, basically because she wanted to do things with her life and she felt he was keeping her back....sounds like dejavu to me... He knows he stresses me out and he knows I deserve better but it just doesn’t happen, we laugh and joke and it’s all good until something happens and he goes off and we’re back to square one again....

    This may sound strange but nothing here feels like it’s mine, he has the car ( I don’t drive) his business in hospital s name,tools etc... it has never felt like it was “Ours” no matter how many times he had told me it’s ours, it’s never felt like it...does that make sense? I have also been on the lounge for about a year as I cannot bear to be near him, mainly due to night sweats but just because you want my own space... how sad is that?

    take care

    Petals54

  13. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    13 October 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    You've probably had a lot to think about in regards to where you stand with your husband and what to do.

    I think some people are better suited as friends but if you did fall in love with him then naturally u take that next step.

    Relationships then either thrive, stay together and work through things, or fall apart.

    Its sad when you have to distance yourself from them because of differences but you can't be someone that you're not and need to stay true to yourself.

    From my own experiences there's been men I've been both comfortable and uncomfortable with.

    In your situation id want to distance myself too if I was being treated like that.

    I hope this day treats you well, always here.

    MM

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    14 October 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    Thanks for your reply. This whole situation is not only sad but surreal to say the least, we’re carrying on as normal, he’s making plans for “us “ to have a break from work but we’re still going to be spending the whole time together.... I mean seriously what???? We have known each other since 2003, worked together and we thought we were soulmates.... everything was good, we’ve had our arguments like other couples but it’s his moods, his temper, thinking the worst of people, thinking strangers are looking at him or me...thinking their all S***bags... it’s embarrassing.

    I went on the 1800 Respect site yesterday, had a chat with a lovely girl about what was happening and yes, she agreed it’s definitely a domestic violence problem, she gave me some numbers to call, even a DV line to my bank accounts hat can help me as well.

    I am starting to realize this is real but I am starting to breathe abit better, knowing I have support.

    Thank You MM

    hugs 🤗

    Petals54

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    2 November 2019

    Hello everyone,

    Things at home the same and this week was the worst, not only did our Staffy pass away on Monday but it was my birthday on Wednesday and couldn’t find one reason to to be happy about it for obvious reasons.Husband wants to buy me a new camera for my birthday , I really don’t want one and told him so but he’s taking me to buy one next week. On the day our Staffy died at home he was more concerned with the next door neighbor he hates so much and this paranoid adhd behavior has been going on all week. He tells people he is lucky to have me in his life who can put up with his many idiosyncratic behaviors but seriously one can only take so much before enough is enough.

    petals54

  16. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    560 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Petals54

    I have read your posts and the helpful posts from others.

    I am sorry about your dog.

    Has he ever tried to get any help for his behaviours.?

    I sense you want to change things and move but it is hard to do. Can you financially move out ?

    Would the people at RESPECT be able to help you with a plan. ?

    I think we imagine and hope that when we get older things will be easier but sometimes they are more complicated.

    You are not alone and we are here to listen and support.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thankyou for your reply. Unfortunately no, he hasn’t sought any help from anyone in regards to his behavior, it’s the way he’s always been and not likely to change any time soon. He admits his behavior stresses me out, but “promised “ he wouldn’t go off at the neighbor as it was my birthday.... how thoughtful... not! I have recently lost 20kgs and even that I cannot have to myself, he insisted that he buy me skimpy bikinis to wear to the beach, much to my disdain. I want to enjoy my new weight in my own way without sexual overtones from him...

    I have been in contact with RESPECT and they gave me some information and numbers to contact when I do leave, there is financial assistance there that I can access which is great. It’s just a matter of getting the courage to say I have had enough, maybe I am waiting for the right time, is there ever a right time?

    thanks

    Petals54

  18. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    I'm really glad u rang 1800 respect they are great aren't they.

    I think the right time is in your heart of hearts. Or in the fibres of your being. If everything within you is screaming at you to leave then it's time.

    Ive left a lot of bad experiences with men. I've often listed the pros and cons and gone from there as well. Or intuitively id know its time or when its been the last straw.

    I don't blame you for wanting to enjoy your weight loss without the sexual overtones.

    Did u say it was your birthday - then Happy Birthday🎂

    MM

  19. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    560 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Petals

    Thanks for your reply.

    Is there any time as the right time? I suppose you have to feel comfortable and prepared and only you will know when that is.

    When I was in a chaotic relationship, family and friends said you should leave but it wasn't simple as it was my house and he would not leave. He left about a year after I asked him to. It was stressful and people said throw his stuff on the the pavement , but this would inflame the situation.

    I wanted to keep the peace and my mental health .

    I am moved by your situation and hope you work out what suits you and in your own time.

    Quirky

  20. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    Yes, it was my birthday on Wednesday 30th Oct, I ‘m 55 now and too old for this crap to be honest. The people at 1800 RESPECT were great and my details are with them to pick up where I left off once I do leave.

    I guess I am still trying to be amicable and at some times still the yes person but also I am slowly at the screaming inside stage and becoming more quiet on the outside and not react to everything he says or does. I think he knows that something has to give soon although I doubt he’s thinking i’m going to keave

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quiky,

    Thanks for your reply. I guess there is never a right time to say i’m Leaving. I’ve kind of given myself a goal of leaving before Christmas as I seriously cannot see myself here but that goal of course can change. Our 7th anniversary together is in 2 weeks and my heart just isn’t in it, I don’t hate him, I just can’t live with him and his behavior, sad but true.

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    6 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Everyone,

    Well it’s day 2 of our month off from work ( to celebrate my birthday month)and today I actually got to be on my own for 3 whole hours to do shopping for myself ...woo hoo!!!! Husband insisted that he drive me there and back and told me not to act like a “victim” by showing my anxious fidgety traits.. Yesterday he went off over not having the right can of pet food, I was in tears and thought to myself that this whole month off is supposed to be all about me and my birthday and it hasn’t even lasted a day before he went off.. He has taken over my joy in regards to my 20 kg weight loss, he wants me in skimpy bikinis, suggestive flashy tops and short flippy skirts, I don’t want to be seen in that way, I have bought smaller size clothes and i’m Happy with that but with him there is always a sexual connotation... I know that he is in some way trying to make up for his behavior by showering me with gifts in a way to say sorry it’s all good until the next time his temper goes off the rails or he intimidates the next door neighbor he hates so much. Why can’t I have the courage to say enough, is it something inside of me that is saying I don’t want to hurt him or something else, is it fear? I just don’t know...

    Petals54

  23. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    6 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    From the outside looking in I'd say you've adapted to avoid those angry outbursts and to keep the peace. Standing up to him could enrage him.

    It sounds like he doesn't know how to respect a woman by the way he thinks you should dress. Your taste in clothes are very different from each others. If he's trying to sexualize you I wouldn't be very happy with that situation either. You are worth more than his trophy.

    I dont understand why ppl get so angry over the smallest of things- like, pet food.

    Sorry you've had a hard time of it with him.

    I rem living with an angry alcoholic - i was renting his granny flat. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all...i lasted about 2 months and packed up my stuff and left. Walking on eggshells and not being able to have clear communication with him just wasn't working out. If something isn't working it's not worth your self confidence and self esteem. These men crush it. I wouldn't stand up to him to simply keep the peace.

    MM

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    6 November 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am so used to going along with things to avoid an argument, you could say I have become a YES person... I am now 55 years old and too old for playing games, yet here I am playing his game. The other thing that bugs me is that people who know us are so happy that we are together, we’re the perfect couple, in my head i’m thinking you have no idea what I have to deal with on a daily basis, all is not always what it seems.

    I ‘m taking each day as it comes and see what happens I guess.

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  25. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    560 posts
    7 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Petals,

    I am wishing you a month of joyful moments and lots of calm

    I think I am like you as I do not handle any confrontation and I say sorry all the time even when it was not my fault.

    I would rather apologise and diffuse a possible angry outrage than stand up because I was not at fault.

    think we all do what we have to cope with any uncomfortable situation.

    If you have a partner who is drinking and rude to others, then people feel sorry for you but if you have a partner who everyone else sees as being wonderful but you mainly see the angry and controlling side, people would not believe you when you try to explain what your life is like.

    It is a difficult situation and your husband is probably so well behaved in front of others.

    You know the truth of what you have to cope with .

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    18 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    How are you, good I Hope? Thank you for your reply and for my wish of a month full of joyous times and calm... I wish I could say I have had my fill of both these things, unfortunately it’s not the case.

    This month was our 7 years together anniversary , he didn’t remember and I spitefully reminded him 4 days later.., he decided that we celebrate that anniversary along with my birthday by going to a fancy French restaurant.... all I can think of in my mind is how the heck did I get to this point??? How on earth am I going to sit opposite him in a restaurant with a fake smile on my face??? I am living a lie and leading him on...

    People who know us, know that he has a very weird dry sense of humor which he does show at home as well, they look at quiet me and say well you married him!!!! We rarely go out, we have no friends other than a couple of neighbors and 2 other people we used to work with, I love talking to other people as I feel human and can be myself until he butts in to the story that I may be telling, it’s as if he wants me all to himself?!

    I recently lost 20kgs as I mentioned before, I went shopping and I can now fit into a size 12..., yay me!!! The first thing he said was “ oh, you’re going to get plenty of looks in the tight top and jeans you’re wearing , guys will be thinking, gee , I bet she’s good in bed” and of course if I try and rebuke him, he’ll say he’s just joking!!!!

    It’s been over a year since I slept in our bed, due to night sweats ( Perimenopause) and the fact him touching me makes me feel physically ill.. I sleep in our lounge and here I get time on my own. This is my life, sad but true.

    I fully agree with you, I too apologize even if I am not at fault, it’s just easier to do rather that deal with the outburst.

    I truly feel like I am in limbo. I want to say I have had enough but and I am leaving but not sure how to tell him... any ideas?

    Take care

    Petals54

    PS: sorry for rambling on.

  27. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    3436 posts
    18 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hello Petals, and I think MM has said most of it well (hi Quirky)and I think you've summed it up yourself 'just can’t live with him and his behaviour'

    Being around a controlling person can be extremally emotionally draining, leaving you stressed out and confused and for him to make you as he wants you to be means you can't express yourself, you're not doing as you need to do.

    You don't have to say 'enough' if that's too hard because he will always come back with a different approach, one which is not kept, so you need to organise yourself so that when you go most things will be set up.

    It's the hesitation that's holding you, but do as you want to do, and please get back to us so we can help you if that's what you require.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    18 November 2019 in reply to geoff

    Hello Geoff,

    Thank You for your reply. Yes, I am slowly trying to get things in place such as a job, where to stay so that I can just go. After speaking to 1800 RESPECT I am aware that there are services that can help me if and when I need it... I know all this but yet I am still here, is it because I am afraid to take that final step and leave, afraid that I will hurt his feelings or afraid what other people will think of me..,, or all of the above?!

    I will be back here to not only let you all know how I am going but also to vent and voice my fears.

    Thank You again

    Petals54

  29. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    20 November 2019

    Hello everyone,

    Things here feeling strange type of vibe going on, definitely the feeling that we are totally out of sync although I have had that fee for quite some time! He has now decided that it should be me to engage in sex and come up with new and exciting things to do ( eg role plays, outdoors etc) he says it is now up to me as he is always the one to come up with ideas... I think maybe he has a fair idea how much I am beginning to hate sex in general?!

    I have revised my plan to leave, still not sure when but hopefully before Christmas... my original plan was to get a job then leave but as he is with me all day I cannot actively look without him knowing about it.... so my plan is to find somewhere cheap to stay until I get myself sorted... is this a plan??? Also the other question is what do I tell our neighbors / couple of friends of ours after I have left? Am I too concerned as to how others will think of me?

    I appreciate your thoughts please.

    Petals54

  30. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    112 posts
    20 November 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    You are the most important person in your life, you matter and what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. They aren't in your shoes and if they knew how bad you felt in your relationship I'm sure they'll understand and be supportive. If not it's their loss. Tell them as much or as little as you like really. Remember they are not in your relationship, you are and you must do whats right for you.

    Ive lived in cheaper places - I've rented a house extension, granny flat and room before so I can say it's doable. I wasn't working when I was renting I left out of necessity. I just hope that you can find work. Securing work beforehand is the safer/secure option but with him breathing down your neck.....??

    It can be really hard to leave. You could write a list of pros and cons about your relationship and write what your dream life would look like and aim for that. I've been in some difficult relationships and it felt freeing to leave.

    The grass can be greener on the other side. That's how my life went- away from difficult men...

    1 person found this helpful

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