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Topic: Not in a Happy Place

  1. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    25 November 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    How are you doing? Thanks for your reply. Yes, it’s hard to leave, in my head i’m telling my self I’ ready but my actions say other wise. I have been through this before I left my first husband after finding out he was having an affair, I left with a bag of clothes, stayed with a friend for a few months, then found my self in a boarding house, no money, no job... it was hard for a while but I survived! That was back in 2001 and although times have changed I know I can survive again once I am in my own!

    Last week another temper tantrum from husband this time about dinner being burnt as I was in the bathroom ( god forbid!) He went off big time, I told him I was getting tired of this and he said as always “ If you don’t like it you know what to do” usually I would answer back but this time I just walked away, and again today he says he’s a bit of a hand full, I agreed, he then says “well, if you’re not happy or it’s getting too much for you, just pack your stuff and leave “ he said he was joking, how can you joke about that??? Is he baiting me to just up and leave, I doubt he will be surprised when I do leave , deep down he knows it’s going to happen and when it does he will be on the defensive as always.

    take care

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    30 November 2019

    Hello Everyone,

    How are you all doing, good I hope? Me, well it’s same same here, another week, just the same as the last, not so many blow ups from husband but there is tension building which is uncomfortable. I’m still trying to look for a job, and have found some pretty cheap accommodation when I need it.... Next Friday, husband is going to take me to a fancy restaurant for a belated birthday dinner... feeling how I do, how the hell am I supposed to sit across the table from him without feeling annoyed.

    I don’t know how long I can keep up this pretense before I explode!

    Taking it a day at a time.

    Petals54

  3. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    12 December 2019

    Hello everyone,

    I hope this post finds you all well? Here it is 2 weeks before Christmas and I am no closer than leaving, as the days go by I am feeling more like a failure and fraud as I am continuing to live this lie! I know that only I can change my life but I keep living like this! I have found that my husband has bought me a $900 bracelet for Christmas and a couple of other gifts, so we have begrudgingly bought him a gift as well... my heart is not in this festive season at all as he keeps making these plans for us for Christmas, gift & food shopping etc. I feel totally stressed , anxious and stuck at the moment and I just don’t know how I am going to keep the facade up on a daily basis, especially coming up to Christmas.

    Petals54

  4. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    109 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petals54,

    I really feel for you as it can't be easy living in your shoes.

    Im sure everything will work out in the end and you'll feel that weight leave once the situation is different.

    Im under the impression that a lot of people feel the same way putting on a facade so that everything seems ok.

    Just take it day by day. I'm not sure what advice to offer you but wanted you to know that I'm still here listening and interested in your story.

    You're being proactive making those steps to leave which is commendable for eg finding cheaper accomodation. If your hearts not in it even a bracelet will seem unappealing. It doesn't really make up for the ill treatment hey.

    Youre doing the best you can. You are definitely patient.

    Hope 2020 brings some added happiness to your life.

    MM

    ♡☆♡☆~~

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    24 December 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi MM,

    Thanks so much for your reply, apologies for not getting back to you sooner. It’s all go here, getting ready for Christmas and I am feeling more and more anxious, totally so come to my stomach thinking about the expensive gifts he has bought me and know that I am living a lie!

    I am hopeful the new year will be a new start for me!

    I wish you all the best for the new year.

    take care

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    7 January 2020

    Hello Everyone,

    I hope this post finds you all going ok.

    As for me, I survived Christmas was showered with expensive gifts and all the while I was feeling sick inside,. Two weeks into the new year and I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated at this situation. My husband has decided that I should be more dominant in our sex life and that this year should be my sexual dominance over him year.... ie planning what we do, what we wear etc etc.... seriously I am screaming inside NO!!!!!

    Did I mention that I feel he is jealous of people talking to me or showing me any form of friendship, our next door neighbor and I get on well together and his answer to that is well, she must be gay!!!!! What does that say about me or her?!? He had a comment about a woman on tv that was over weight, I said to him, you really hate fat people don’t you? His reply, “No, I don’t hate fat people, I married you didn’t I?!” Mind you I was 20kgs heavier in 2014 but that’s not the point, who says that kind of stuff to their spouse?!?! He of course said he was joking..,, I wasn’t laughing!!!!

    As always I am taking each day as it comes, will let you know how it all goes.

    take care

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    7 January 2020 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Petals54~

    I've been reading your thread and see a person who is in exactly the same situation as so many others. To put it bluntly (my apologies) you exist with an abusive controlling person who wants you to himself and feels free to say disparaging remarks, tells you to leave, turns sex from a loving encounter to a selfish porn show and feels that by using money and saying "only joking" he is able to keep this up indefinitely.

    You have been in this situation twice before and know to leave is not easy, though you have made some moves in that direction. I guess having a secure base inside yourself to do what you need is what is wanted. Perhaps this might mean getting a job right in front of him.

    Perhaps it may also be reflection in the idea he treats you with contempt, a possesion -and you are worth so much more than that.

    I'm not suggesting you leave or stay -neither is easy, and sometimes one or the other is simply not possible for all sorts of reasons. I am suggesting you try to deal with some of the things in your life you find so hard and leaves you so humiliated and lonely.

    There are good relationships out there in the world. I've been blessed wiht two, my first partner passed away after 25 years, and my second is still with me - and we remain in love - 22 years later. It is easy to lose sight of the fact not all relationships are like yours have been.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Thank You for your reply. Thank you also for your bluntness, on reading your words it bought home to me what I am living with on a daily basis. I guess after a while you tend to become numb and tend not to “see” things as they really are or how bad the situation is.

    I am continuing my job search behind his back and put a couple of applications in and put my name down at a few agencies so, fingers crossed something may come through.

    I am determined that I deserve a better life to do with as I wish and not by anyone else, certainly not my husband. I am focusing on how he and this situation makes me feel and that is the motivation for me to make my life mine, it may take some time but I will do it!

    Thank You again Croix

    regards,

    Petals54

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Juliet_84
    Juliet_84 avatar
    291 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Petals54

    Hi Petal54,
    I’m so glad you found Croix’s insights valuable, I always find he gives wise counsel :) Your situation reminds me of a quote “you only have two lives, and the second one begins when you realize you only have one”. I was once in an abusive relationship with a volatile but at times loving man, and I completely understand the anxiety of constantly being on edge wondering what will set someone off. It got so bad that the sound of the keys in the door would cause me an enormous amount of anxiety. For me, I dreamed of having my own little apartment that was peaceful and lovely where I could just breathe. But I was in such a bad place that I had to build my strength up over time, by starting to do things on my own (to show myself I could) and doing things that nourish my soul. I suggest that you start doing the same thing, it will be hard because he will likely resist you doing things on your own, but you need to start slowly creating that space. If you decide to leave, then you will be in a better place to do so, and if you don’t, then you still will feel better about yourself. Please keep us posted on how you go.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Lost1975
    Lost1975 avatar
    4 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Petals54
    Hi petals. I have been reading your post and I can relate. Been in a relationship since November 2018, moved states to be with what I thought was my soulmate. He has mood swings to, but it’s always my fault. He picks at everything little as well ie me being on fb but it’s ok for him to be on his social media, he he do things but if I do the same it’s not on, if I point this out his reply is well you do it. He will say nasty things to me and if I get upset his answer is I need to harden the f up. If I try to take to him about how I feel I’m told that I rave on with stupid things. I have leant to bottle it up and say nothing as it will start a blue. I’m in a small country town with no friends so I have no one to talk to. My 18 yr old daughter moved with me but I don’t tell her what’s going on anymore as she worries that I will fall off the wagon like I didn’t 6mths ago. My partner is a truck driver and is only home on the weekends but when he is home I feel like I’m walking on eggshells coz I never know when he will go off. We have hard some good time thou Like you have but it is only short lived. ATM we are sleeping in separate rooms , talk is to a minimum. The worst part about it is I feel like it’s a one way street. In the past I have tried to patch things up . I thing things are back on track and then he will get moody for the littlest thing I say things were going on well what happened his reply is you thought things were going well but you were wrong. I have said if something bothers you just come out and say it and we can talk it though but no this never happens as he doesn’t she my point of view. I’m in the process of getting my own place too. As I feel I’m fighting a never ended battle. Hope your doing well as you haven’t posted for a while. I look forward to your update.
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Lori44
    Lori44 avatar
    1 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Croix, I am a single woman, 75 years old and have been abandoned by my only relative in Australia because I do not "fit in". I have suffered from anxiety and social phobia all my life and now am having bad dreams nearly every night so I wake up feeling awful. I do not have the energy to keep my small studio flat clean and tidy and have no one to talk to as none of my neighbours are anything like me. My interests are intellectual but because of my social situation - alone and in low cost accommodation, I never meet the kind of people who would share my interests. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and not have to deal with my unusual health problems - chronic fatigue, blepheritis, severe dry eye syndrome and incontinence, as well as anxiety and depression. I just escape from the world by reading and watching news and documentaries on TV. I don't have the energy to go and talk to health professionals. I have delayed phase sleep disorder so don't sleep till 1 or 2 int he morning, wake up about 11am feeling awful and don't start feeling better till mid afternoon, so I'm a social outcast in "early rising" australia.
  12. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Juliet_84

    Dear Juliet_84, (with a wave to Petals)~

    I've shamelessly pinched your words for the Quotes thread. Looking back over a long life I very much wish I'd realized that many yours earlier, I'd be happier with myself now if I had

    Croix

  13. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Lost1975

    Dear Lost1975~

    I don't think I need to say much here. Tony and Katy have given you good advice in your own thread

    Forums / Relationship and family issues / Need support Not sure what to do.

    The fact you have the strengthen and determination to leave an abusive relationship will be a great encouragement to the many in that situation who read but do not write (some may be too frightened to).

    I think it is really lovely you take your daughter's needs to the extent you do, and will even remain in the small town to allow for her budding relationship.

    You have a lot of love - and common sense - to go with your strenght. You may find it hard to believe after your experiences but there are good people out there (I've been blessed), and you deserve one as well

    Croix

  14. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    20 January 2020

    Hello everyone,

    Hope all is ok with you all. I haven’t posted in a while as I have had BP issues. The latest with me is that today was pretty much ch the day, hubby went off, I screamed at him back and said I cannot deal with this any more, he said we’ll leave then, I saw d alright I will.... I had my bags packed ready to go, then he comes to me and says I don’t have to leave, he then puts a guilt trip on me and says think very carefully on what your decision will be as there is no turning back and you will be throwing away a lot!!!! The bottom line is that he wants me to stay, I ( hand slap to the forehead) decided to stay on the proviso that the next thing that he goes off about I will leave with no hesitation!!!! I feel so emotionally drained and stressed and such a coward to myself!

    i feel like a complete failure and once again played his game and given him what he wants!

    Petals 54

  15. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    20 January 2020 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Petals54~

    I'd not consider it a failure, just another step. His saying there is no going back gives away his determination for control at all costs and no regard for you. Can I suggest you think on that? It might make you angry. A thirst for power and an ultimatum rather than concern with love offering another chance after you left if you ever wanted to return.

    I've found at times anger has helped me do what I would not do otherwise.

    So this particular time there was not quite enough for you to go though with leaving. Each time you have the experiences of what went on before adding up, you will get there. The tipping point will not be much, maybe just anger or resentment.

    No cowardice, no failure, you are doing one of the most difficult things a person can do, and there is no way you can do it without setbacks.You do have bravery, if not you would meekly always comply without thoughts of resistance and independence.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Thank You for your reply. Yes, you could say I was brave as this was the closest I came to really leaving and I think he was shocked I had actually got a suitcase partially packed. I told him repeatedly that I loved him but couldn’t live with him, at no time yesterday afternoon did he once say he loved me, just that he wanted me to stay.

    This morning it’s just awkward to say the very least, no real talking, just small talk and no usual affection or funny talk... time will tell what happens next.

    Thanks again Croix

    Petals 54

  17. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Petals54~

    Of course you are brave, anyone can see that.

    This is a problem that has several facets, the possibility of leaving only being one. What do you think if you put that on the back burner for a little while and concentrated in getting a job you wanted, then thought more about the situation then?

    As you are well aware it can take quite a while to sort thngs out. You talked to 1800RESPECT a while ago, maybe it is time for another general chat with them? Maybe they will talk about your buttons being pressed, after all a $900 bracelet is most probably a means of gettng you to feel guilty and obligated, not a token of love.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    22 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Once again thank you for your reply. Yes, I could put leaving on the back burner but as it stands the atmosphere here is less than ideal as he has made it his mission I feel to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible. He has said to me that he is going to be nice and fluffy so that my Blood Pressure doesn’t suffer but he still questions me when I haven’t kissed him this morning... I feel like I am being punished for wanting something for myself.

    I am even more determined to find a job and have put applications in, have more resume handy, so even if I do leave I will be prepared of sorts. Yes, I will be contacting 1800 RESPECT ASAP.

    Thanks Croix

    Petals54

  19. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    22 January 2020 in reply to Petals54

    Dear Petals~

    Excuse me for being direct. Of course you are being punished. Not only did you go against him by getting ready to leave but it is, I beleive, part of another strategy - nice words to build you up with hope, then behave badly, while blaming you to bring you down, hopefully blaming yourself. A means of control.

    Does that make sense?

    I'm impressed you are continuing with the job search, it is important for all sorts of reasons, not just financial independence but freedom, self worth and a new world to deal with.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    1335 posts
    22 January 2020 in reply to Lori44

    Dear Lori44~

    I'm wondering if you have been able to make your own thread, I saw Sophie_M give you directions but have not found it yet if you have made one.

    I agree it can be a confusing.

    One way to do it is to scroll right up this page, towards the top right above the big light-blue Topic: Not A Happy Place you will see in tiny writing

    Forums / Relationship and family issues / Not in a Happy Place

    Click on the word Forums

    This takes you to the page with the big light-blue Online Forums heading

    Scroll down the page until you see Anxiety in red tiny writing

    Click on Anxiety

    This takes you to the Online Forums - Anxiety page

    Over on the right is a big green rectangle labeled New Thread

    Just click on this and you have started.

    I hope this is of help, I'd hate you to be so discouraged as to give up, we will get there

    Croix

  21. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    109 posts
    23 January 2020 in reply to Petals54
    Hi Petals54,

    Well done on speaking up and making changes in your life. I really think you will benefit. I personally know how freeing and good it feels to finally leave and to move on to safer pastures. By the sound of things it doesn't sound like he is keeping you comfortable, loved and safe consistently.
    You've set the bar to wanting better for yourself and that's to be commended.
    Stay safe.
    1 person found this helpful
  22. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    25 January 2020

    Hello Everyone,

    Here is the latest on my situation..., As I mentioned before I was packed and ready to walk out the door as it told him I needed a break and although I love him I couldn’t live with him. Since then I have repeatedly said that I want/ need to be in my own , he repeatedly said he wants me to stay. Thursday night we talk about it yet again, I tell him that my feelings haven’t changed and that I need to leave and be in my own, he asks me for another chance ( this will be the 3rd or 4th chance!) I said no, he then says to me well if you won’t stay for me stay for our Staffy who is 14, she needs her mum, stay for her until she dies and then you can go... I mean What?!?! I said to him what if I say no, he says well if I get a full time job, I may not be here all the time, she’s in pain with arthritis so I may have to get her euthanized, I said to him that this is emotional blackmail and not fair on me or our Staffy !

    I have not got Ben him my answer but in not doing so we are in this weird limbo void where we are talking abit more but there is a distance, he is hovering over me more wanting to do things and is even taking me out to try out my new camera, in an effort that everything will be forgotten perhaps? I have to stay true to myself and not falter as that I feel will be once again giving in and giving up what I want for me!

    Petals54

  23. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    109 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Petals54
    Hi Petals54,

    Throughout your thread you've talked about wanting to leave numerous times so I think you're definitely leaning towards that and you've already made plans to leave.
    Although you allow him to hold you back.
    I would write down a list of the pros and cons of what your life would look like leaving compared to staying to perhaps give you that extra motivation.
    It's never an easy step leaving but a worthwhile one if the relationship is no longer fruitful.
    Good luck what ever your decision and we are here to continually listen and support you.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Petals54
    Petals54 avatar
    27 posts
    30 January 2020

    Hello everyone,

    Thought I would post an update on how things stand with me at the moment. Basically we had a discussion ( unfortunately also including alcohol) and I told him how I felt due to his behavior in general and towards me and that his actions had increased my anxiety, depression and stress as well as my Perimenopause and that due to his behavior I am constantly feeling ill, stressed, anxious and that I want my life back on my own... While he did admit that he has been acting like a complete idiot he then turned the blame back on me and my Perimenopause.... go figure! He said that he is nothing without me and he wants to start again, I said I want time away on my own but it landed on deaf ears. Since then I have been hit with severe Perimenopause symptoms and he decides that it may be a good idea to go in anti depressants so that the old me can come back basically... I’m off to the drs next week to see what they say but at the moment I am physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted and he is smothering me to it’s fullest extent saying we’re in this together....

    So my plans to leave are in the back burner for now but will see what happens next.

    Thanks for listening and your support.

    Petals54

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