Topic: Out of my control

There are two things out of my control that are getting me very down.

One is I am desperate to have a second child, whereas my husband is set on only one. We have had countless discussions on this for the past 2 years and neither is changing their mind so I really don't know what to do as I'm worried about feelings of resentment. It's so difficult because neither one of us is right or wrong in this, we just have different opinions. I always wanted to have children and he was never too bothered so tells me 'I compromised and gave you one, you should be happy.' I am happy with my daughter but didn't know, until after she was born, just how strongly I would feel about wanting a second. I'm trying to make peace with her being an only child but I'm just not able to get there.

The second is that I'm feeling quite lonely due to my husband's shift work. He has worked most evenings, weekends and public holidays for the past 10+ years. Last Sunday I took my daughter to a park and all around us were families where there were 2 parents and at least 2 children. It makes me so jealous and lonely seeing it. I clearly crave more family around me (both husband and second child-wise!) I usually meet with a friend and her children and she sometimes brings her husband and parents too. I so appreciate the company but it's not the same as having my own larger family and it also adds to my feelings of the stark contrast between her having that around her whereas it's always just me and my daughter. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love spending time alone with my daughter but it doesn't stop my thoughts of craving for more at times.

So both of the above are playing on my mind so much and making me feel down and lonely. But both are out of my hands as there is nothing I can do to change the situation other than what I've already tried (trying to make peace with having one child only and meeting with friends when my husband is working). But I can't help how I feel and this only plasters over my feelings deep down and I'm increasingly finding myself having a big cry about these situations that I'm not happy with but am powerless to change.

On the first, it sounds like your husband had the one kid unwillingly, and this issue was always there? My wife and I were on the same page on all this big issue stuff, we made sure of that. We both loved kids. We wanted 4 but then she was slow to fall pregnant and we had two. I am not sure what you can do there, if he made clear from the start he was not keen. Perhaps tell him that the existing child will be better off with a sibling? That's how my wife got a second dog :P

On the second, my wife and I live apart and I know what you mean. Our relationship has been rough and is in a sweet patch right now but I still find it hard to not see her most of the time. I constantly look at couples who live together and wish I had what they had.

I guess overall the big question is, are you willing to accept these disappointments to stay with your husband? I would suggest the best path for you is marriage counselling, so you can talk through both your desires and try to come to a point where you are able to find a solution that meets both of your needs.

Hi Maggie,

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with these two aspects of your life right now. I agree it sounds like they are both connected - a craving for more company and a sense of family.

It's understandable that these things would really impact you deeply, as they are big parts of life.

Do you have any other family/close friends in your life? Maybe you could reach out to them to spend some more time together. While not everyone has the family they want and we cannot choose our family, we do get to choose who we spend our time with and bring into our inner circle.

If you're feeling a bit isolated, I would work on building your inner circle - invite people over, maybe try meet some more people (parents with kids the same age as your daughter too?) in your local area etc.

Even just something as small as joining a book club might help bring some connection to your life.

Just a thought :)

Thank you so much for your responses. I've tried saying about the sibling thing but he just isn't on the same page. We have just had some marriage counselling sessions recently but can't find a happy medium.

We don't have any other family in Australia. I do have some good friends here though and funnily enough have just restarted our book club. This certainly all does help to stop me feeling lonely. Unfortunately it just isn't enough for me because I just soo long for this second child and more time as a family with my husband. I just keep praying that either my husband will change his mind or I will somehow learn to make peace with the way things currently are.

Hi Maggie. My honest advice is to search your soul. What would you rather, two kids by different dads or only one child? Because if he won't budge, those are your options and better to face that now than in 20 years time. I'm sorry it comes to that, but that feels like where you are.

Hi Maggie,

Thank you for sharing with us on the forum, it's never easy to be vulnerable so I hope that you can find some great support here.

It sounds as though you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and that is difficult in itself. I can't imagine how incredibly hard it would be to then have to be surrounded by individuals/situations which have things that you yearn for.

I guess now is a crucial time to have a think about the standards that you have for yourself. There is nothing wrong with having to reevaluate your life, especially if it's causing you distress. What needs do you have right now that are going unmet? What are some ways in which you can go about getting these needs met? What are your dealbreakers? What things are within your control that you can change? These are loaded questions and definitely not easy ones to have to answer, but they encourage introspection and a deep sense of reflection. If you do not want to harbour resentment and you crave that connectedness/family that you see in others, what lengths would you AND your partner go to to ensure that this is achieved? Do these match up? As hard as it is, you should never have to make peace with something that you aren't happy doing. You deserve a life that is filled with love and abundance in any form that you see fit.

It's great to hear that you are doing things for yourself like book club and doing things for your relationship. Do you have any interests or hobbies that you can take up to meet new people or to do with some of your friends? I understand its hard because your husband does shift work but is there anyway that you can potentially set up a date night/ritual with your husband to enjoy each others company?

I am really wishing you all the best in this!