Hey, new here, hopefully I can get some help even if this issue doesn't seem that big to many.
I recently broke up with my first girlfriend of about 9-10 months mutually. She lives in another country, but wont move. I want kids, she doesn't. Makes sense, right? We even want to stay close friends for the rest of our lives and for the most part, get along very well, which is why we dated online and even people that didn't know about us exclaimed how well we fit together. But since the break up (on and off since about March-May) I've basically fallen into waves of depression. I've never felt this before, nor been clinically diagnosed, but I feel like it's definitely the case. Every so often, maybe multiple times a day, a massive wave of sadness crashes over me, my chest tightens, I panic a bit, feel super alone, hopeless, physically painful and my thoughts get both sad and dark. Very dark from my normal self. I'm going to assume this is depression, unless someone tells me otherwise.
I suffer from social anxiety, I'm a 28 yo man (in 5 days from this post) and this was my first "proper" relationship. I was extremely happy, the happiest I've ever been. But now, it's quite the opposite. I feel like I know what I should do. Go out there, meet people, work out, eat healthy, better myself, etc. But, I just get this massive overwhelming sense of hopelessness and lack of motivation that prevents me from trying (nobody will talk to me at a cafe/etc). And because of the current state of the world, I can't exactly safely go outside to better myself and clear my head/thoughts right now either.
And to top it all off, me and my ex have been arguing almost constantly since the break up because of, basically, me and how fast she's moved on. She no longer feels the way she did when she was with me. She moved on about 3 or so weeks after the break up (no boyfriend but, she is looking). Meanwhile, I keep begging her to change her mind about kids and moving here, knowing full well that she wont. Not exactly topics people just flip their decisions on. So I feel like my emotions and potential depression just force me into insecure panic attacks that just result in me begging her for answers and badgering her with questions when we should be close friends. Instead, she occasionally tells me that she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore and that she's falling out of love with me because of these arguments...
...So, I guess my question is... Anyone got some advice or help?