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Topic: Separating and living together (kinda)

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. skinnytony
    skinnytony avatar
    2 posts
    11 February 2019

    Ok this is my first post. My wife pulled the plug on our marriage on my first day on a new job. We’ve had issues (mainly that we rushed into marriage and others) so it isn't out of the blue but this time feels real. It’s been pretty rough because she’s away at a festival (working) where she parties every night (anxiety says: what else?) and I’m at home looking after our small child/working/stressing. She’s away for a month but when she gets back we will most probably live together while we figure out logistics.

    I’ve realised that I’ve been emotionally closed off – part of a faulty coping mechanism – because of the issues we’ve been having. We’ve been off and on but I believe recently she’s only said we should be together because of convenience. She refused to see a marriage councillor together and blamed me for the problems in our relationship. I’m pretty sure it’s a dynamic where we both play a part and that this time could be a fruitful time where we learn and grow emotionally learning new tools such as communication etc. I didn’t want to leave the relationship without fighting for it but I’ve accepted that she wants to leave and I’m not going to beg to be together.

    Last time we temporality separated under same roof it wasn’t good, she ended up seeing other people (her choice) and was sneaky about it (going out to go shopping for 4 hours etc). Was traumatic. We ended up reconciling though but I guess it was a bit of a sham.

    It’s a stressful time now, she’ll return soon from the partying.

    I don’t have a friendship network around me which is why I’m here I guess. I've come to realise the importance of telling people what's going on. It's hard to make new friends when there's so much chaos. I'm going to see a shrink (have done in the past).... She has a good friendship network.

    We’ve talked about it and she’s said she’s not going to see other people until we sort everything out but she’s away at a festival and I’m not sure I can trust her and she might feel like that she doesn’t want to tell me that she’s seeing other people because we have to work out everything and live together for a while on her return.

    I want her and myself to be happy and also what's best for our child.

    Is the expectation that she doesn’t see other people realistic? Should we just see other people? Or at least try to.

    Is there anything I should consider?

    Any advice would be appreciated.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    1659 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to skinnytony

    Hi ST, welcome

    Ask 100 people and you'll get 100 different answers.

    Your answer is the one that matter, your own gut feeling and even if you are in error (about her "seeing ither men" suspicion or rather, lavk of trust us enough to take action. But what action?

    So here is my suggestion. At this stage it is reasonable, because you both have a child, to have a little hope her attitude will turn around. Gir this reason I'd move bedrooms the day before she arrived home. I'd treat her as a friend, a goal you would have post full separation.

    I would then wait for her reaction. If she is upset that the relationship is terminal and...she tries hard to save it then counseling has hope.

    If there is little concern then you can make discussion mainly to do with topics like shared custody, education and future expectations for your child. Then move out relatively soon so that friendship is pteserved and...often promoted.

    I hope I've helped.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    3020 posts
    12 February 2019 in reply to skinnytony

    Hi Tony, and welcome to the forums.

    I like Tony's first line and it's so true, and for her to see other people, well to expect something to happen will not make it happen, so you can never be sure even after making a verbal agreement and remember you can't be sure.

    If you still have problems and don’t get the answers you want, the bad will soon outweigh the good, so how do you know what she wants to do.

    She has ended the marriage and that's the hurdle you have to try and get over, and if she doesn't want marriage counselling, doesn't stop you from seeing your doctor.

    It's not an easy situation as you have a child, but please if you can get back to us that would be great, especially when she returns from the festival.


  4. skinnytony
    skinnytony avatar
    2 posts
    12 February 2019 in reply to geoff
    Thank you TonyWK and Geoff for your thoughtful advice.

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