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Topic: Someone else helping my partner's mental illness rather than me...

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. jayske
    jayske avatar
    4 posts
    29 April 2022

    I am in a relationship that is 2 months and me and my partner are feeling around the committed stage.

    However, this is my first relationship and my partner's 3rd. Going into the relationship, my partner has opened up to their mental illnesses and for most times, whenever I try, it never feels like when I try to help, it has no effect, and I can only really do the basic '"texts" because I do not see them or live with them.

    Recently, one of my friends, maybe even close friends, helps our relationship and has been for a while, he has that experience from his past long-term relationships but is now single. This is where the conflict happens, we have recently gone on a break, but it didn't even last long, only a week, and now are about to be broken up. It is because of them having these mental illnesses, and me not being able to take care of their mental needs most likely because of my basic and inexperience self unable to really do anything, but my close friend has, and has been these past times. When me and my partner did have some trouble, usually he would be able to speak with them.

    Now, my partners feelings for me is not so much unlike the start, which is a pretty normal thing? when it comes to relationships, but they have started to like my close friend instead. I feel so.. conflicted in terms of emotions, I love my partner, and i have always wanted to help them, but whenever I try, I never really do anything. He on the other hand has and is still continuing to talk to them as well as helping them.

    I don't know what to do, feel or anything.

    I feel hurt though, with me not able to help my partner as well as jealous almost that my close friend can. And I have that gut feeling, a strong one at that, that they will date and I will feel even worse.

    Can I do anything? Should I accept this? Do i talk to my partner/ex?

    What can I do for future problems because of my inexperience.

  2. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    356 posts
    29 April 2022 in reply to jayske

    Hi Jayske,

    Sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must've been hurtful, confusing, and maybe even frustrating, when you're doing your best to support your partner with their mental illness, but you feel you're unable to due to your inexperience. Supporting someone with mental illness is difficult. Mixing it in with relationship, it can get pretty stressful and taxing to both your physical and mental health. When supporting someone with mental illness, it is important to look after yourself first.

    We always want to help and support the ones we love the most, so that they can get better soon. But sometimes we are not the best support for them, and only they know who is the best person to have in their support network. It can also be that, they don't want their mental illness to hurt you, thus why they are putting some distance between you and them. Supporting someone with mental illness requires a lot of compassion and empathy; trying to see things from their point of view and understanding/accepting/validating it.

    From what you've described, it sounds like your partner has chosen your close friend as their support network. This can certainly give off weird signals, and it is completely normal to be feeling jealous about it. You can try asking your close friend on how you can better support your partner, since they have a better understanding of your partner, they could give you some advise on the matter. But remember to take care of yourself first. Ask yourself if this is something you can accept in your relationship. You could try and communicate with your partner about how you're feeling about the relationship, and if there's anything that the two of you can do to work together to strengthen the relationship, or if going separate ways would be better for the both of you. There's no shame in leaving a relationship if this is something you can't accept, after all, we want what's best for the ones we love, as well as for ourselves.

    Hope that helps jayske, take care of yourself, and we're here for you.

    Jt

  3. jayske
    jayske avatar
    4 posts
    30 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hello jtjt_4862,

    It has been one day, and today we have officially broken up.

    They say the usual "we can still be friends" and ended at a sort of alright quarrel but it just feels so weird. My close friend however still messages them and I have found out some more information and a lot of it makes me entirely feel so.. off.

    Things such as they were speaking on Monday as usually, but "clicked", and how I now know that they like my close friend, and for the days before the breakup (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc) I have been talking to people, give myself some time to think for myself about how I can be better to support them as well as myself, the day I met them, yesterday, before I had typed my original post, they asked me to meet them, and I was ready to talk to them, fully open, all my thoughts ready, but I was cut and told that we're breaking up.

    I have so many thoughts in my mind. I want to try to make it work again, I want to talk to them.

    But with the thought of them talking to my close friend feels so terrible. He's a good friend, and without him we couldn't of lasted these 2 months (even if it was so short), He has the experience but I wished that I too had the experience to make us last.

    I have learnt it in a bad way, i know that, learning about so many of my mistakes and on how they have opened up before, but apparently it fell because they tried to open up to the person they trusted most, because she couldn't. She had many ways of opening up to people and people would listen and care. I truly did care, but I felt like giving my opinions to things would hurt, instead the way I did it was even worse. They did start catching feelings again, but then they tried opening up once more and it didn't end well and they sort of just left it.

    They believed I seemed uninterested, they soon lost feelings.

    2 months and she wasn't happy for most of it. They are very open and honest, but they have never told me this, they didn't tell me a lot of things, and I don't know how to feel about this myself.

    He helps them, and even though I didn't help as much, I really want to.

    Should I try to talk to them again about this, me knowing this, and how I now have more experience to help, or should I let it go, my close friend is there, they have feelings for him.

  4. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    356 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to jayske

    Hi jayske,

    Sorry to hear about your heartbreak :(.... If you feel like talking about it more, I'm happy to listen to it.

    You've done your best to make the relationship work, and I hope you do not blame yourself entirely for the end of your relationship. You were trying your best to improve yourself to better support them, but unfortunately they decided ending the relationship was what they wanted rather than trying to work things out. There's always much to be learned from failures and mistakes, and it's great that you had some time to reflect on your relationship so that you can better yourself for the future.

    From what you've mentioned, it seems a mismatch in values have led up to the breakup, but the fault isn't on anyone in particular, rather it is from both sides. While we can't confirm whether the breakup was because she had feelings for your close friend, but one thing's certain is her perception of you in terms of value have been lowered, and the reasons for it is irrelevant (to seek the truth is impossible, unless you are a mind reader).

    It is best if you go no contact with your ex, and put as much self-care and self-love to yourself in order to heal from your heartbreak. Take some time to grief the loss of your relationship, and surround yourself with friends and family. Do things that you weren't able to do while you were in a relationship, and do things that makes you happy. Whether you can still be friends with them is up to you to decide, but it has to be on a platonic level, and know that it's normal for both parties to go complete separate ways and not be friends after a break up. If you're unsure about it, continue going no-contact until your feelings for them have subsided.

    You truly deserve better bud. Please take care of yourself first. We're here for you.

    Jt

  5. jayske
    jayske avatar
    4 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Do you believe that, I should try again, to see each other?

    even with me learning information, gathering all these amazing knowledge from the people i love around me.

    Try once again?

    Or should I leave it at the past...

  6. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    356 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to jayske

    Hi Jayske,

    There can be many reasons as to why the relationship ended. Whatever reason your ex has given you for wanting the break up, we can never know whether that's the real reason behind the decision. Even if you do learn how to better support your ex with their mental illness, there's always the risk of another heartbreak happening for reasons that aren't related to your ability to support their mental illness. Thus why the reason is irrelevant, because in the end, she valued you less and have placed you on a 'friend' level rather than 'partner' level. It'd be a one sided relationship if you do try again (and probably clingy too) while she values you as just a friend.

    My best advice to you is to reflect on the past so that you can learn to improve yourself, keep on walking and don't look back. Value yourself, and love yourself first. Go no-contact with her till your emotions and feelings for her have subsided to a platonic level. If achieving platonic is impossible, then continue going no-contact and keep moving forward. Life is filled with surprises, and maybe someone better will appear in your life later on. But remember that there's only one of you, and your well being is your top priority. Never settle for less than you deserve.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  7. jayske
    jayske avatar
    4 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks jtjt_4862

    I've taken some time to reflect with this, and I even spoken to both my friend and my ex.

    Not to do anything bad, but to get some closure, and some time to think.

    We are in good terms, and luckily I can still play my fav arcade game with her (platonically).

    I've also taken time to myself, and gained much more self love. I'm usually the super energetic guy in the group, and my friends really cared and helped me with it. Now, i'm feeling much much better than when I wrote that message. I will of course feel some sad moments, but I'll keep my chin up and listen to my music as well as love myself. And if I do feel like I am ready and I do find someone, I'll learn from my past, and hope I can live the very best life with whoever they are.

    1 person found this helpful

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