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Topic: Stay at home Parent

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. GhostAu
    GhostAu avatar
    2 posts
    8 January 2020

    Gday,

    Woke up feeling really emotional this morning, and i guess ive decided enough is enough and i need to do something.

    Ive known im an emotional person for a very long time, but ive always tried to keep it under raps and controlled, but my situation has changed over the last couple few years, and i can just feel myself dissapearing more and more, and i find myself hiding in video games. For someone who is nearly 40, i cant see that as a good thing.

    I gave up work 3 years ago to be the fulltime carer of my eldest, who is now 15. He goes to a special education school during the day, but someone needs to be available incase he has a seizure, and as my wife has the better career path, it was only logical that she work, and i stay home.

    He has an acquired brain injury, caused by what the doctors have labled " aborted SIDs". Ive always blamed myself for his difficulty's, as i was the one at home with him when it happened, and the one that found him.I would pick him up from his childcare on my way home from work, and take him home. If he was restless when putting him down for his afternoon nap, i would put him in our bed, instead of his cot, as the smell of his mum would help him settle, but on this day he didnt wake up, and was in a coma for 2 months after. I was 23 at the time. since then we have had 2 more children, now aged 12 and 4.

    Since leaving work, ive realised i dont really have any friends, i had people i worked with, or my wifes friends, but none of my own. I dont get phone calls, i dont get out of the house, i dont socialise, im just here, trying to stay busy.

    I love my wife, but she is so busy with her work, i dont think she notices me . I know she loves me, and cares for me. She just has so much on her plate allready, i dont want to add to her burden. Ive been sleeping on the couch for the last year or so now, ive told her its because of her snoring, but really its because im not sleeping much and i dont want her to notice. We havent been intimate in over 2 years now, which isnt down to my lack of drive, but hers. Im ok with that, i think, but it brings with it a sense of being worthless and feeling unattractive. I dont know.

    I just have the feeling i want to dissapear, i want to leave everything behind and walk of into the sunset, and leave everything behind. I wont thought, i have three smiling little ( or not so little) faces smiling at me that need me.

    It would be nice though lol

  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2023 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to GhostAu

    Good Morning GhostAu

    Welcome to BB and congratulations on writing your first post, I am so glad that you have reached out to this community and to get some comfort and support, you are not alone and you are among people who care here.

    I am so sorry you are in this situation and that you are feeling so worthless and so unattractive, that you are missing the connection with your wife and on top of it all parenting is really hard, not to mention having a child with extra needs.

    I hope inside of you there is a piece that allows you to know that what happened with your son is not your fault. SID's in still somewhat of a mystery and there are things in place to assist but there is never any assurance that when we put our babies to bed that they are going to be ok. There is so much research and so many tips and guides but that is all they are, if anyone could prevent this from happening ever again we surely would, and on that day if you knew what was about to happen you would have done things to prevent it...the thing is...you cant and no one can..we are human and we have illness in our lives and SIDs is one of them. This is nothing you did or didn't do GhostAu, this was an event and no one is to blame. I am wondering if you have thought about seeing a counsellor to get some help with clarity on this one and to have someone who you can work this through with to give you some peace, and your wife too as I am sure she feels pain with this situation too.

    You are doing everything for your children and you sound like an amazing father, they are so very lucky to have you so involved in their lives as you are. I am sorry that your marriage is taking a hit at the moment, do you have any plans to perhaps talk to your wife and open up a bit to her about how you are feeling and the lack of intimacy and how that loss of connection is driving a wedge. I get what you mean about sleeping on the couch but this too is not helpful in encouraging intimacy and trying to reconnect.

    There are some amazing people at LifeLine on 13 11 14 that can talk to you if you need some extra support, they are wonderful and sometimes talking helps too.

    I am so very very glad that those not so little faces are enough to make you stay, they need you and they love you, you matter and you can move out of this space GhostAu, that is one thing I have learnt here is that with help, people can go on to live happy lives, please reach out.

    We are here for you and I will chat to you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  3. GhostAu
    GhostAu avatar
    2 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thanks Sarah,

    Ive spoken to a councillor in the past through a work program, who helped a little, gave me some mantras to say when i am in my worst points, and he suggested a diagnosis of PTSD and depression, but i never took it further as i was able to deal with it, or not, through keeping busy with work and other things. Now it seems to come more and more to the fore front, and i really dont feel comfortable speaking to a doctor about it.

    Ive spoken to my wife about things a few times, but i dont think she understands where im coming from. Im more emotional then she is, she has friends, keeps very busy, and buys me things to try and make me happy. I tell her i dont want more posessions, just time, but i dont think she knows how.

    Im not so sure about being good for my kids. My emotions are starting to cause issues there to, im able to "fake it" most of the time, but i snap, and get grumpy more and more lately, which makes me even more unhappy, they deserve someone much better then me.

    I just feel so alone all the time, no social life to speak of, no friends, just alone.

    Its what lead me here.

    Thanks

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2023 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to GhostAu

    Hey GA

    I hear what you are saying and sometimes going to a doctor is a huge trigger and makes it all seem worse, that is brings up all the mud and that is hard to deal with...but can I add that we really do need to have a connection with the doctor in order to get the right support and therefore be able to get the help we deserve, it may take a few to find the right one with whom you connect. Would you try another?

    PTSD and depression seem absolutely possible and with help you can get this sort of thing under control, you so deserve to be happy and enjoy your family and your children and your life, and this could really help with some of the right assistance, sorry to go on about that.

    I hear that you are saying your wife is throwing money and possessions at the marriage as her way of showing you she loves you and while that is sometimes nice I hear you in that you want her time. You may be very right in that she does not know how to, but you being an emotional person..as I am too..we do know how to do this so you can show her...how about even just getting someone to come to sit with the kids for an hour or so and taking her on a picnic, surprise her with it. By you modeling what you want this will help her understand as well as show her how and also the bonus is that you get time together.

    I get it with the snapping and the "faking it" with the kids, however they most certainly do not deserve anyone other than you...nor do they want that either....they love you and they need you. Another thing is that it is perfectly ok for them to see you cry, for them to know you are not always happy, that it is not their fault but you need some time for you. It is important for kids to see we are human too and we have bad days and that is ok too.

    I am so very glad that you have found your way here and you have come for some support GA. I am so sorry you are feeling so alone and so isolated. I hear that you are spending the day playing video games, are there other things that you like to do that could perhaps allow you to meet people and make some social connections? Even one small thing a day could really help. Even a walk to the shops instead of an hour gaming or even some volunteer work to get you doing something that makes you feel of value.

    Huge hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  5. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    romantic_thi3f avatar
    2728 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to GhostAu

    Hi GhostAu,

    Thanks for your post - I can see that Sarah has already offered you some great support. I'm sorry to hear how much you've been struggling but I too am really glad you decided to join us and share what's been going on.

    I absolutely agree that a counsellor would be a really good step. While I can see the guilt and blame you have, there is absolutely nothing that was your fault with your son. It could have happened to anybody; and in reality - it does. It's just really unlucky that it happened to you too.

    It sounds like with everything that's going on for you, you are kind of lacking some purpose - reasons to get up in the morning that aren't related to your responsibilities as a dad. Does that sound about right?

    I'm not totally sure from your post what makes going to the GP so uncomfortable, but it sounds like it would be worth pushing through - the benefit being not only just for you, but also your relationship with your wife, and being the father you know you can be.

    I hope that by being here it helps to get things off your chest and feel a bit less alone. There's a big community of people here so hopefully you can find some people to connect with.

    rt

    1 person found this helpful
  6. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8253 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi, welcome

    I just thought I'd chip in with a few ideas as Sarah's answers were spot on.

    Easiest thing to do is to recommend a few threads here and just read the first post of each.

    Use google

    Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    Beyondblue topic inexpensive recovery idea- camping

    Beyondblue topic dysthymia

    Beyondblue topic the balance of your life

    I hope they help. Reply anytime

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful

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