Woke up feeling really emotional this morning, and i guess ive decided enough is enough and i need to do something.
Ive known im an emotional person for a very long time, but ive always tried to keep it under raps and controlled, but my situation has changed over the last couple few years, and i can just feel myself dissapearing more and more, and i find myself hiding in video games. For someone who is nearly 40, i cant see that as a good thing.
I gave up work 3 years ago to be the fulltime carer of my eldest, who is now 15. He goes to a special education school during the day, but someone needs to be available incase he has a seizure, and as my wife has the better career path, it was only logical that she work, and i stay home.
He has an acquired brain injury, caused by what the doctors have labled " aborted SIDs". Ive always blamed myself for his difficulty's, as i was the one at home with him when it happened, and the one that found him.I would pick him up from his childcare on my way home from work, and take him home. If he was restless when putting him down for his afternoon nap, i would put him in our bed, instead of his cot, as the smell of his mum would help him settle, but on this day he didnt wake up, and was in a coma for 2 months after. I was 23 at the time. since then we have had 2 more children, now aged 12 and 4.
Since leaving work, ive realised i dont really have any friends, i had people i worked with, or my wifes friends, but none of my own. I dont get phone calls, i dont get out of the house, i dont socialise, im just here, trying to stay busy.
I love my wife, but she is so busy with her work, i dont think she notices me . I know she loves me, and cares for me. She just has so much on her plate allready, i dont want to add to her burden. Ive been sleeping on the couch for the last year or so now, ive told her its because of her snoring, but really its because im not sleeping much and i dont want her to notice. We havent been intimate in over 2 years now, which isnt down to my lack of drive, but hers. Im ok with that, i think, but it brings with it a sense of being worthless and feeling unattractive. I dont know.
I just have the feeling i want to dissapear, i want to leave everything behind and walk of into the sunset, and leave everything behind. I wont thought, i have three smiling little ( or not so little) faces smiling at me that need me.
It would be nice though lol