Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: Struggling after separation and ex starting to date.

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. DownDad
    DownDad avatar
    6 posts
    28 July 2020

    Hi All,

    My wife and I separated about 7 weeks ago, when I came out as transgender. I knew she would want to separate when I came out but I did it anyways. She was hurt and we decided to take things slow. She wanted me to support her through her weight loss surgery and she didnt want to tell our 4yo until he was settled at primary school next year. We were together for 7 years and married 5, we have not been happy for quite a while now. I am finding it hard to find a rental so am not able to move out. I have no support network, so cant stay with friends or family. She had her surgery about 3 weeks ago.

    My ex found a man, about a week ago, and has started seeing him. She still expects me to help her with her new diet, what she and cant eat and prepare it. She also is expecting me to help with our son on her weekends because I have no friends and no hobbies, she says "what are you just going to sit there", but on my weekends she is happy to run off and do stuff with this man and leave me to do everything for our son. I am quite capable of doing that as I was always the cook, the organiser, the accountant in the family. I know I am jealous that she can make friends and find a new sexual partner so easy, but i also feel used and trapped.

    I am really really really struggling with this and I dont know what to do.

    help me please...

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8147 posts
    28 July 2020 in reply to DownDad

    Hi, welcome

    Everyone moves on at a different pace. While your wife has moved on very quickly this likely would have been less hurtful if you had moved out quickly say, initially to a caravan park or similar temporary accommodation.

    Now because of your role in the house ongoing, you would feel indifferent and uncomfortable. I think any complaining will receive a quick defensive reply. This is because she is free to do as she pleases.

    It will hurt to say to you that she is a free agent now. Her obligations have changed now and she has chosen to move forward in anticipation of a new life.

    In a sense you can’t have “half in” the relationship. As you said you both separated 7 weeks ago, the marriage is over and some sort of friendship is only now possible for the sake of your child.

    Im sorry you are struggling. Consider a visit to your GP and of course stay on the forum for any other ideas and opinions.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1634 posts
    28 July 2020 in reply to DownDad

    Hi DD

    Welcome to the forums and I hope you find some suggestions you can run with...

    "I knew she would want to separate when I came out but I did it anyways. She was hurt and we decided to take things slow."
    You didn't say much about what W said when you came out?
    Did she mention 'betrayal', or lies or hiding ie things she may have had instant resentment about?
    Who's idea of "slow" is this?? W was FAST.

    "she didnt want to tell our 4yo until he was settled at primary school next year."
    There's no "perfect time" to separate IMO but in son's first year of school would be a HUGE bang.
    Or was it TELL son about you being transgender?
    Considering growing tensions & unease for you, the separation part would be better sooner rather than later.
    BUT if you own a home together - is this the case?

    "am not able to move out."
    Depending on the situation it could be unwise for you to move out before you have Family Law Orders re: parenting at least.
    You don't have to go to Court. You can work out a Parenting Plan through Mediation & have them converted into Orders.
    The School will want these asap once they know you're separated.
    The assets part is depending on what you own together.

    "I have no support network"
    More difficult due to covid but this is a MUST. Are there FB groups you could join? Are there any other local groups you are interested in? A person at work you could ask out for a coffee as friends? Single dad's groups? You NEED friends.

    "ex found a man, about a week ago"
    She is her own agent & is free to be with whomever she chooses. Sorry to say this, the marriage has ended.

    "She still expects me to help her with her new diet and prepare it."
    This would be a no brainer to me. No. Not doing that.

    "She also is expecting me to help with our son on her weekends"
    This perplexes me a tad - the whole her / your weekend hasn't begun with BF on the scene yet really. You can stay in a cabin for your whole weekend with a few good books! None of Ws business. At least I would sit in a library all day & treat myself to lunch. OUT of the house.

    "I am jealous that she can make friends and find a new sexual partner so easy"
    Yah not sure why you didn't see this coming. You said you've both been unhappy for years. It's her piece of happiness - be happy for her. Yours will come.

    "i also feel used and trapped."
    List all the things you feel "used" about and stop doing them all.
    Why do you feel 'trapped'?

    EM

  4. DownDad
    DownDad avatar
    6 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Thanks for the reply.

    "You didn't say much about what W said when you came out?"
    She said she knew and saw it coming.

    "Who's idea of "slow" is this?? W was FAST."
    this was W's idea. I was happy with it at first as she wanted me to support her through her surgery

    "if you own a home together - is this the case?"
    We live in her parents house and own nothing jointly. Either it is clearly mine or it is clearly hers.

    "A person at work you could ask out for a coffee as friends?"
    I work from home and the office is 160km away

    "Are there any other local groups you are interested in?"
    I dont really have any interests. I usually just work, watch tv, eat dinner and go to bed.

    "Single dad's groups?"
    Where can I find those? Would I fit in being transgender?

    "This would be a no brainer to me. No. Not doing that."
    Ok i will stop that.

    "Yah not sure why you didn't see this coming"
    I guess I should have cis woman have it easy.

    "Why do you feel 'trapped'?"
    I dont have enough money saved, only $4000, so if I move to somewhere temp, I will be eating into my bond and furniture money.

  5. DownDad
    DownDad avatar
    6 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK

    "initially to a caravan park or similar temporary accommodation"
    I didnt have any money at the time so I couldnt move. I have got my tax return and my bonus from work now but that is all I have and will have for a while. The caravan parks I have looked at are nowhere were I live now and are extremely expensive like $980 a week that I cannot afford. So I am stuck living here until I am approved for a place of my own.

    "It will hurt to say to you that she is a free agent now."
    I am trying to see her as that. We need to still be nice for our son. It is confusing for all of us. I want this to be over but I am just in the middle.

    "Consider a visit to your GP"
    I visited my GP yesterday and she told me I just have to get over it or we can look for a psychologist but that wont be for weeks. Weeks is useless I need the help now.

  6. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3133 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to DownDad
    Hi DownDad,

    We're so sorry to hear you're facing a long wait to see a psychologist. Sadly a few weeks' wait isn't unusual. If you haven't already, get your GP to make you a referral and make your first appointment. We have some directories to help you find a mental health professsional here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional

    Please know help is always available. The qualified mental health professionals at our support service are able to offer you support, advice, some counselling and referrals 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Or you might like to reach out to our similarly qualified friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 for crisis support.

    As we're sure you can tell by now, our forums community is also here to provided you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We hope you keep reaching out here and lettiing us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it, especially as you wait to see your own mental health professional in a few weeks.
  7. InhaleExhale
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    InhaleExhale avatar
    54 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to DownDad

    Hi DownDad,

    Sorry to hear that you are going through such a really challenging time. I don’t know whether you have already heard of it but there is an organisation call Q-life who provide phone support, webchat, etc. They might be able to help access appropriate counselling sooner and also peer support from those in a similar situation.

    QLife. Free LGBTQI+ support phone and online web chat. Can include support for people wanting to talk about sexuality, identity, gender etc. 1800 184 527 3pm to midnight. www.qlife.org.au

    Good luck setting some boundaries with W. Let us know how you are getting on.

    InhaleExhale.

  8. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8147 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to InhaleExhale

    Hi again,

    firstly thanks for replying to all replies, it is appreciated and doesn’t happen all the time.

    A true account- 40yo in 1997, suicide attempt one week prior to me leaving my then wife of 11 years- a narcissist. Two kids then 7 and 4yo.

    Drove to a caravan sales yard purchased their cheapest caravan $1190 for a 11 footer.

    Paid caravan park rental for a plot then $65 a week maybe $150 now. Kids slept on lowered dining table and loved it - like camping to them. That gave me time to reconsider my future and not have to buy furniture.

    After 4 months made a deal with the ex - she got the house and mortgage,I got the garage!

    I bought a block of land in the country. Got security work nearby. Relocated my garage. Got land valued and bank considered garage roof area as building collateral. Finally had approval for a kithome. Built kithome by myself while working shift work. Twelve month later moved in.

    Sounds easy? I made it and it was hard work but tenacity works.

    Consider a cheap caravan. Move out, continue being a dad, let her go, enjoy the journey of self discovery, set goals, work hard.

    Dads in distress is a good organisation to get in touch with.

    As for being transgender in men’s company there is still many men that are set in their dinosauric ways but most like me don’t give a damn. Be positive and proud of who you are.

    pit in the search bar above-

    you are still a jigsaw piece

    regards

    TonyWK

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up