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Topic: Struggling with recent separation.

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    28 December 2019
    I'm at a loss. Struggling through a separation that was not my choice. 22 years together and my husband won't consider counselling. Very black and white in his attitude. Said he has unhappy for years and feels nothing but used. Now it's his turn to do what he wants. He's done with me, the kids and helping others. He moved out but what I thought was a spring clean was a getting rid of stuff because he was leaving. It's like he's already dealt with it yet I'm just at the beginning.
    We had I thought a healthy sex life, team work and great friendship. Going through life together getting ready for more time together as the kids are older teens now.
    At first I thought the anger was issues with his work and I picked up the slack in our relationship.
    He has held onto every one of my flaws and thrown them in my face from the last 20 + yrs. Obviously has harboured a lot of resentment towards me.
    I'm a mess, now when I try to talk to him it's just a barrage of emotional abuse. A complete change in personality. No affection completely withdrawn from me. It hurts. I feel that he has an underlying mental health issue like depression. There plenty of indicators and risk factors. It has been a difficult 2 yrs for family reasons but I was blindsided by this.
    Now when i do see him I get so anxious because I don't know what to do anymore.
    I try to keep busy. The loneliness is at times unbearable. I give myself pep talks. I talk to my family. I'm stuck in my old life while he is making a fresh one. He does not share info or include me which is to be expected but it's hard. I'm surrounded by memories.
    But not ready to make changes. I'm waiting and I know it's unhealthy but I'm not ready to give up.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8147 posts
    28 December 2019 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi welcome

    Ive been there 3 times all over 7 years duration.

    Ine such was my first marriage with two girls 7 and 4yo when following 11 years emotional abuse had to walk out. I’d also had a suicide attempt.

    I learned that moving on stopped the torture. I also learned that after a given amount of time about 3 months , if it can’t be repaired a new life is the better option.

    finally, I reduced contact to her only when necessary. The abuse continued for 14 years in subtle ways whenever I spoke to her. As our youngest reached 18yo I stopped all contact. A relief.

    Obviously he has harboured resentment and it’s overflowing, less likely depression involved.

    The best remedy for you is social expansion, hobbies, sports, dating just to find a happiness.

    Please google

    beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

    beyondblue topic distraction and variety

    I hope they help. Repost anytime

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    6 January 2020 in reply to white knight
    It still hard everyday. I know it's a grief process that the only way is going through it. Rejection is hard on your soul and the beliefs I had about our family and relationship.
    I just go through everyday one day at a time.
    I just don't understand and I will unlikely get closure. I have not reached a level of acceptance either.
    Hìs perspective and ultimate decision were so far from what I believed It's hard to put together. I look for reasons that fit and it doesn't compute. I try not to go down the rabbit hole that I was not enough.
    I have a lot of fear about.my future...how I will manage emotionally, financially how will I ever trust again.
    How does he find it so easy.. and stay so detached.
    2 people found this helpful
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8147 posts
    6 January 2020 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi,

    Trying to understand how another human being thinks is an exercise in futility. It is amazing how diverse we are. Then that is worse when a couple split because while together and close both parties adjust their natural ways to fit into a couple, when it parts ways our natural way returns.

    As I said the grieving process will take a while. Until then fill your daily life with activities preferably enough to make you exhausted and you'll sleep better.

    Essentially there is no ideal answer to the process of recovery. Hence to allow the grief to go its course and when you are feeling better make vital changes to your life in a positive way that will help.

    I hope you feel better soon

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Jhc
    Jhc avatar
    10 posts
    6 January 2020 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi MO2TG

    Your last post is like it is written straight from my mind. It's exactly how I feel and what I am thinking. Over and over, no escape. I try to keep busy and distracted but then it is there in my mind again. It's been a month since he left. You're not alone - take care of yourself.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Mr K
    Mr K avatar
    31 posts
    7 January 2020 in reply to Jhc
    Hi Jhc and MO2TG, I'm not quite at the physical stage you are but it's the direction I'm heading in and it's terrifying for all the reasons you have mentioned. Like you I don't know what I did or didn't do that was so bad that my partner decided to end our relationship without giving it an opportunity. I'm about to plunge into that rabbit hole myself without the support of close family and because i've focused on my wife and kids for so long not even the availability of friendships for support. I guess for me I've made excuses for my wifes behaviour for such a long time that it has become habitual for me to defend and justify things I don't really think are right. I guess that's why I still blame myself for us reaching this point even though I know it's not helpful. I wish I knew the answer to take away your and my pain but at this point my mind is exactly how Jhc described, I'm trying to stay focused and distracted but over and over again the what ifs of the past and future are there haunting and frightening me. Good luck both of you it's going to be a tough time. For what it's worth feel free to share with me if it helps, I hope you can help me too.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    10 January 2020 in reply to Mr K
    Hey Mr K & jhc
    I have been going through this foe awhile now. I have got to a point where I can't live in hope anymore. It rips me apart. I have taken steps to protect myself from further pointless and futile waiting.
    Life and time does not stop. I have given myself a huge pep talk about what I do and don't want. I don't want the unhappiness, I want happiness and enjoyment to return to my life. While there is still a process of grief . I am making peace with things i cannot control. I am letting go and taking steps towards a new beginning. I deserve that and so do my kids. I will get there
    1 person found this helpful
  8. coolraddler
    coolraddler avatar
    1 posts
    10 January 2020 in reply to MO2TG

    I feel your pain on this too. My girlfriend of 3+ years (I’m female too), cheated on me with a male three months ago and then left me for him. She was (I thought) my soul mate and best friend in the world, and I’ve lost that now. There was so much lying and deceit around her leaving me and it just tears me up inside and I will never get full closure over what happened. We both had kids, owned our own home together and we were a family, but that’s gone now. I’m over the anger now, but I still have so much sadness over what happened and still have not forgiven her. We still talk about being friends eventually, and I do want that, it’s just so hard, and I have so much anxiety thinking of her with him, it’s terrible. At the moment one of my solutions is going out and picking up men every weekend when I don’t have the kids, but that behaviour is not viable in the long term. Note we’d both been with men our whole life until we got together, probably part of the issue... I think my anxiety over this situation is my biggest problem. It’s like a huge weight on top of my chest and feels like it just eats me up. How can I work through that? People keep telling me that things will get better with time, but I just can’t see that at the moment. The other complicating factor is I think I still love her, even after everything she did to me and even though there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation, that does not help my headspace either.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    11 January 2020 in reply to coolraddler
    Hey coolraddler
    It plain sux. It's grief plain and simple. Loss of friendship , imagined future and family.
    I was overwhelmed and really struggled. I still struggle but it is getting bearable. I am kinder to myself. I welcome happiness and joy into my life regardless of how small. I do get sad and cry but i embrace that to. I seek help as needed, I am getting better with not being anxious over things i cannot control. I haves choices...I may not like them but I do have them. I'm a work in progress and I think I'm coming along ok.
    I tried to be angry but it wasn't worth it for me. I became More frustrated and made me feel worse. Whatever the reason for breakups....
    We are all different. Im getting through this by ...what mattered for me was my own inner acceptance. I am OK being me and I will be ok.
    2 people found this helpful
  10. carlsland
    carlsland avatar
    5 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to MO2TG
    Do you think it could be a midlife crisis? I hope that he can work it through and come home.
    1 person found this helpful
  11. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to carlsland
    Hi Carlsland
    I've thought it could be a.lot.of things...mid life crisis, decreasing hormones, depression etc
    Its Been a rollercoaster.
    He seems better when we have contact lately.
    But I have made steps to secure my future , I need to keep moving forward. He needs to continue to work on himself, he has a long way to go....
  12. florean_fortescue
    florean_fortescue avatar
    11 posts
    20 January 2020 in reply to MO2TG
    Hey MO2TG's,

    The stuff you wrote resonates strongly with me. I've recently been blindsided myself by my wife saying that she's not sure she still loves me and has apparently been unhappy for quite a while. It really, really sucks. I stumbled across the beyondblue forums this morning and while it sounds bad that to say that other people's struggles are making me feel better, there is something healing about knowing others have/are going through the same thing so thank you for sharing your story/progress, one day I'll have to write my own.

    I don't recall what the etiquette post said we were meant to write when well wishing, but I hope you continue to have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and continue on your journey through this trying time.
  13. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    44 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to florean_fortescue
    florean_fortescue thankyou.
    I hope you are well. I just realised I hadn't replied. I was going over.my old posts to try and get perspective again.i feel a range of emotions that revolve in a circle , positivity motivations sadness anxiety. Mostly I try not to think to much and just perform tasks at hand. Day to day week to week.
    I miss sharing a life with someone.
    Continue.to work on myself trying to work through it.
    How's your journey/ situation
  14. Miss Missy
    Miss Missy  avatar
    1 posts
    9 September 2020 in reply to MO2TG

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your separation. I read your post and can identify completely. I recently separated too, completely blindsided I don’t know what to do or where to from here.

    I know for all of us this pain won’t last. Emotions are never constant. We will get through this.

    Being separated is difficult and lonely. I just wanted to let you know there are many of us in the same situation.

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