Hi John P
You never have to justify your feelings here. And never have to argue for them.
They are what they are and that's the rub.
YOU are welcome here. So is EVERY BODY. It is a supportive space for anyone to join, share and be supported.
It sounds like you've been hurt pretty badly & deeply in the past at the end of your 2 long term relationships.
Have you read up about Narcissistic abuse? Not saying those relationships were with narcissists, but if you see some things that ring true for you, maybe there's some help in "recovering from Narc abuse" sites online.
Tbh I had a similar "awakening" in my very early 30s. I realised my professional life was on a trajectory straight UPWARDS but my private life I felt was a shambles lol. Why?
I sought a psychologist way back then. She was helpful, did assessments but not really alot of help with info I could understand and USE.
One thing she DID help me with was to say "In our work life, it's a RATIONAL space with black and white ways to behave but in our personal lives it's our EMOTIONAL life and all grey". Then just "get rid of this relationship and that one etc".
You have the awareness to KNOW that when getting close to someone, then the feelings arise that you despise women. I don't take this personally at all btw, being a woman. I kind of understand I think?
After everything I've been through I'm terrified of men. I have a beautiful boyfriend who got in before I felt that, but I tell you THAT has come out in our relationship. He is the most kind and patient human being for sure.
See if this makes sense to you..... it's FEAR. I'm SCARED. I'm terrified lol!
We can talk more and I would love to hear what you think. I hope you come back to share more.
I think we can really learn alot from each other.
I know you'll get through this.