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Topic: Trusting partner again

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. GrandEntrance
    GrandEntrance avatar
    1 posts
    23 February 2021
    I caught my partner having sexual conversations with another woman online while I was 6 months pregnant with his baby. He fell to pieces when I confronted him, saying he was sorry & that he thought of it as a type of porn - he didn’t think of the other person as real. I honestly wasn’t sure how to handle it at the time & have tried to move past it, but now I have constant anxiety that he’s doing it still & just better at hiding it (he works in IT so is far more educated about net usage than I am). I check his phone & computer history, which I know is wrong. But when I do find that he’s been watching porn, it makes me feel even more anxious that I’m not enough for him. I can’t stop worrying about it. He knows I still get anxious about it but we just don’t seem to make any progress...we’ve previously discussed counselling but haven’t since.
    I just don’t know how to trust him again, because I really want to
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4845 posts
    23 February 2021 in reply to GrandEntrance
    Hi and welcome to the beyond blue forums. I think it is very difficult to watch out for something to not happen vs waiting for something to happen. Each day wondering if this is the day s/he does what we fear. And perhaps working in IT would make it easier to access.

    Trusting will likely take time. Unfortunately there are many stories on the forums similar to yours. You only have to do a google search for

    Beyond blue partner watches porn

    Now, just because your partner does not want to go to therapy does not mean you don't have to. Just a thought. You might find the answers you are looking for.

    There are other things I could say... They can wait until until post. Please know you are worthy despite what your mind tells you.

    Peace, Tim
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13831 posts
    24 February 2021 in reply to GrandEntrance

    Hello GrandEntrance, a warm welcome to the site.

    I think it is very difficult to watch out for something to not happen vs waiting for something to happen, as Tim has said is so true, perhaps your partner feels it's much safer to talk with someone he doesn't know rather than with an actual person, face to face, in the first case it can be ended easily, while in the next, it may not be easy to finish talking with them and one of them may want to continue causing disruption to your relationship/marriage.

    I'm not saying that it's alright to do this, the concern is, when you both go out with the baby, everytime he talks to a female, just like you talking to another male, you will feel as though that maybe the person he's talking to online is present, which maybe far from the truth.

    The way he's responded to you, I believe he feels guilty and wants to rebuild the trust you had before, and what reaction would happen if you caught him going through your phone, sorry, but try and believe in each other, this may have only been a one occasion.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

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