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Topic: Wanting to leave but dont know how

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. katbar
    katbar avatar
    4 posts
    1 August 2020

    Hi all

    I have been married for 21 years and have 3 adult kids. I am not happy in my marriage and have been this way for a while. My husband is 12 years older than me and has become increasingly jealous and suspicious of me. We are not very social and don't have many friends that we see together. We spent a lot of time with our kids when they were younger with motocross and spent a lot of time traveling around the state. Now that they are 18 and 20 we are almost at the empty nest stage and find ourselves at home alone together. I became a nurse in 2012 and a midwife in 2017 and my social life has increased since then and I will go out with work colleagues every now and then. This causes problems between us due to the fact that it may involve going to a pub where there are guys that want to pick up chicks. These are his thoughts on the situation. I literally got the silent treatment for a week after i told him i was going out for drinks recently. I think most of the issue is with the fact that he does not have his own friends to go out with to socialise without me which i think is important. He also thinks i may have had an affair which is untrue but does not believe me. I am at the point of thinking i need to leave as i dont feel that we are on equal footing in our marriage and i feel that we would be better off apart as friends. I do not know how to go about telling him this as I am scared of his reaction.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8147 posts
    1 August 2020 in reply to katbar

    Hi, welcome

    I see your situation clearly as I’ve been in a similar situation.

    we went to relationship counseling and it worked ok. The therapist worked on her assumptions indicating how unfair it was for me to be accused of something without a shrewd of evidence.

    A marriage prior to that relationship involved getting the silent treatment from her over te pettiest issues. This, using silence as a weapon is considered a form of narcissism. Google things like-

    Narcissist silence

    Grown adults should not use silence in such ways however there is a short period of time for space that is acceptable.

    google

    beyondblue topic relationship strife? the peace pipe

    We all have our own responsibilities and it isn’t yours to find him friends - nor is it your problem to enjoy yours.

    If the others you go out with include their spouses then ask him to join you- if not, we’ll again not your problem

    I don’t like suggesting a trial separation but often just the mere suggestion could work. It might shock him into talking and you can gauge his reactions.

    Such a suggestion could be put to him in front of a GP.

    Food for thought. Feel welcome to remain on the forum to seek more opinions and have this thread ongoing through this hurtful period.

    TonyWK

  3. M99
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    M99 avatar
    48 posts
    1 August 2020 in reply to katbar

    Hi katbar,

    Thanks for telling us your story. It sounds like you are in a predicament. I think in this situation it is important to ask yourself and reflect your feelings for this man, do you still love him in a romantic way or is the love simply platonic now? If you still love him and have romantic feelings I believe couples counselling will be a remedial service in repairing the relationship.

    However, if you find yourself with feelings that do not go beyond a platonic level that is okay. People change and so do our feelings. I think in this situation it is important you have an honest and open conversation with him. Although the prospect of his response can be nerve-wrecking I believe it is an important discussion to be had, for not only your happiness but also your husbands. It's important both parties knows the truth of each partner's current emotions. If what you want no longer resides in this relationship, you have that right. However, as your husband, he also deserves the right to know that.

    It is good that your children are no longer children but young adults. As a child, my parents no longer loved each other yet stayed together in fear of future complications. However, this fear only lead to more severe predicaments as they both had affairs on each other. Furthermore, as children, the most they want is to see their parents happy. I believe you and your husband both deserve that and if you do not find happiness within each other I think it is time to confront and address the why and how it came to that. Then it is important to address your current needs and desires and assess these differences moving forward.

    Life is simply too short. If we are not happy at where we are at, we should confront it and move forward. Moving forward whether it be with a new plan to maintain a relationship, or moving forward through letting someone go. The choice is yours and you know what serves you best. I hope everything works out, take care.

  4. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    151 posts
    3 August 2020 in reply to katbar

    Good afternoon katbar.

    Welcome to the BB Forum and having the courage to reach out for support. Your situation is not uncommon and would relate with many. I feel that you are upset and at a point of looking at the option of leaving your husband and I would assume that there maybe more factors involved that have lead you to this decision. From what I can comprehend, you appear to be internalising that your husband as a person is what is causing you to feel unsatisfied n your marriage. Is there something within yourself that you feel that you need to work on to become happier? Have you got support in place, especially for your situation?

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