Good afternoon Tay100.
I since have realized that I don't experience enmeshment after making a final decision to cut ties with my wonderful partner (both male). I thought that it would be too hard to leave him as I would be roped back in. Our main problem was the he would constantly ask to break up or have space because he couldn't trust me and that it was my fault for how he felt. He blamed me for a lot of things.
So I gave him a final chance to improve his behavior (BPD/NPD) as he was not medicated or attempting to change. I began to understand that he was becoming increasing emotionally and physically abusive. So I pulled the plug. I no longer enable his abusive behavior. I decided to remove myself from the destructive cycle, the hardest choice I've ever made in my life.
The difficult part has been trying to regain my independence and now I am left with shame and guilt. I though I was going to become too needy and run back to him but after a couple of weeks being on my own, I felt somewhat relieved.
I won't lie, I miss him terribly and I would give everything to be with him - I am so in love with him and invested so much of my life for us. Now I feel shameful and guilty for doing this. The pain is something I cannot describe. It runs deeper than the physical mind and body. It's the most horrible pain I have ever felt - when you realize that the person you love and want to grow old with may never be healthy, even though he has a choice.
I will be signing off here for a while to focus on my mental and physical wellness and to continue to learn to love myself and to understand compassion.