I met someone in January 2020 - he lives in Sydney and I live in Melbourne. We flew back and forth until March when the lockdowns started. Then we didn't see each other for 8 months until December. Then there was a series of border closures and lockdowns from the lead-up to Xmas and beyond - he couldn't come here for Xmas because of a Sydney outbreak and then you know what happened in 2021. It was a roller coaster ride if not knowing if our plans to catch up would fall through and, if so, how long it might take to open up the border again. It took a massive toll on me, even though we were very committed and he said he was going nowhere and wanted to keep the relationship going.
I am late 30s and want to have a family but I sensed that he wasn't fussed and he wasn't in a rush to express that he loves me, despite my saying so. I also found it hard that he didn't fly down here in April when my nephew passed away and he also didn't call me that day. When I made a spontaneous trip the night of the funeral and met me at the trains with an annoyed look on his face because he had had a tiring day of moving furniture (he had just relocated to a new apartment) and made no mention to his friends as to why I was in Sydney at short notice. He didn't really ask me how I was.
Anyway, we got over that and then he visited Melbourne in May for a long weekend. All of a sudden I got this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't attracted to him. And I broke up with him the day he left.
I can't work out what it was - I suspect the stress of the pandemic situation wore me out and the uncertainty going forward regarding when we'd see each other again was too much. Maybe my emotions shut down?
We had great conversations and could be silly together. Though there were a few things that didn't entirely match my values like his work ethic and career drive and connection to family. He contacted me recently and said he still has feelings for me.
Now I find myself thinking about him a lot. But I can't tell if it is loneliness, the desire to have a family, or whether it was a genuinely good connection that fizzled due to covid.
It was his birthday today but I didn't contact him - didn't want to pester him.
How do I sort out my thoughts?? What do they mean?