Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: What does this mean , wth is wrong with me, is anyone else like this ? l need so much space.

  1. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    13 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi T, sorry l put L before but it was meant to be T , and so thanks again for the thoughts.

    Just to add to earlier , oh yeah , all of that happens , did with my ex too until she got sick of it and we divorced. So it also brings in many problems and from all angles . But one of the other biggies and it is a biggie , it becomes huge over time, is that even if she does understand or more so l'd say excepts, that l have this crazy need for just so much of my own time , that can't change the fact that she on the opposite scale just needs much more or us and togetherness . And so you can end up with one very unhappy partner long term and sadly l understand that , 99% of people would need far far more us time than l do , lt's basically like beeing married to someone that's never home.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    8136 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to randomx
    Hey my friend,

    If you had to break up your day how would it look? How many hours would you need/allocate to;

    Sleep
    Work
    Together time
    Alone time?

    Cmf x
  3. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to CMF

    Hey cm , how are you doin.

    Tbh , we'd be around each other more than most working couples or say you and m because l work at home and she does to atm , both only part time. We'd see each other 2=3 hours through the day , a few at night tea and some shows or wandering about, she often comes out to yack through the day at work too. Usually at night though l need to depart 8 or 9, just gotta be alone awhile, which is a terrible time that's when most people are together so that doesn't go down well.

    l'd probably be quite happy with say 30% of the day night together . Weird really because again l suppose that's all a lot of going out to work working couples would see of each other anyway by the time they all do other things after work and what have you. But believe me it's different for me l literally need to escape and be alone. Crawl into bad late later and just not talk .

    l dunno it's hard to explain without getting into too a personal detail.

    rx

    3 people found this helpful
  4. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    No worries, rx, what's in a name?

    Just a note on your last post to CMF - covid has really brought this home to roost with couples being forced to be with each other for extended periods (the horror!). An interesting correlation was the distinct decline in the national birth rate! See, I don't think you are alone in your needs for space - it's only healthy!

    The danger of feeling second in line or intermittent, however, is a worry. You are well aware of your needs and the impact it has on your partner. I guess the question to you is "Are you prepared to lose this one?" and what sacrifices/adjustments are you willing to make knowing this prospect?

    Sometimes you can see the value in changing your behaviours for the sake of your partner and also yourself (you need your space, but are you happy with your inability to control it?), although it means stepping out of your comfort zone. The price for togetherness is a long term investment - a little sacrifice along the way for a lifetime return.

    The ultimate question: "What wouldn't you do for your partner?"

    -t.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi T .

    Yep sadly that is me compromising and making huge changes , it'd be a few days not hours if l had my way. But your right about being in a marriage or serious thing , it's about togetherness , a life , just makes me even weirder spent 20yrs married thinking l just can't do this. As much as l admire other couples that are happy but have wondered a 1000 times , that's them , that's him , he enjoys it , as l say talking happy couple l know , but for me it's just plain hard , very hard .

    Yep , l've thought many times about just staying out of it , live out life single. TBH ideal for me would be her house my house , forever. l do love being a couple , but a part time is what l need. They'd be around but someone like that that also pushes all the right buttons as well is another matter .

    My brother l envy , he's got it made , my dream setup . They've been together long distance well over 20yrs they live 3hours apart. She comes up to his for a wk or two or he goes down to hers they probably spend about 6mths a yr together rest of the time they're at their own places doing their thing separately . Ahhhhhh.

    The covid thing on couples yeah read all about it but this is just our normal living covid hasn't changed a thing for us Although we've only been together 50% of this yr though as she's been coming to and from Sydney . l actually liked it like that but she can't keep doing that and wants together. l feel terrible she does have legal dramas up home so has had to be there but for now they're done and natuaral she just wants to get stable again. us , life.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx,

    Despite all your problems, I think you're extremely fortunate to have such a loving partner - I feel you are both making huge sacrifices for the sake of the other. This may be as close to 'middle ground' as either can expect - your own personal DMZ full of acceptance for each others' self restraint.

    But I tell you this: If you are rich, buy her lots of jewellery; If you are poor, buy her even more! I think you know this one's a keeper.

    Thanks for being so forthcoming and precise with your observations.

    Kind regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    14 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hey t.

    Nice of you and anyone else to bother with thoughts because l feel ridiculous trying to talk about this now TBH With all our problems round here wee all have sort of expected others around with similar problems so it's actually really surprised me that really , no one else has popped up as yet with the same issues. Strange but l would've thought space and alone need woud've been a fairly common thing round here,

    Yeah she'd be a keepr if things could fit butttttt, my thing , as usual , isn't fitting too well at all lately and that brings on cause and effects , reactions to reactions, and l'm actually starting to feel pressured and smothered truth be told soooo - which maks me back away even more. Unfortunately it's a familiar pattern that l know very well and right now , not sure if l can do it tbh.. She deserves someone that can be all in and thoroughly enjoy it as sh would love to be doing too.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    28 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Hey rx

    I wanted to talk with you about the dream thing you shared on previous page but later if that's okay.....

    I'm so sorry that things are becoming more difficult in your relationship.

    Is gf saying this "time alone" thing is a deal breaker?

    That'd be really crappy, if that's the case rx.

    You know if my BF was allowed to join BB (he's in the U.S.), I think he'd share your need for a lot of alone time also.

    We've talked alot about it since you posted this thread... happenchance really.
    He's also an incredibly intelligent man like you.
    His mind is a million miles per hour also.

    He doesn't really like "social" gatherings and on his first and only trip to Australia didn't want to meet ANY of my friends! It wasn't a biggie for me.

    He just wanted to really get to know my family IRL.

    I could see he was challenged spending alot of time with a BUNCH of ppl at my house.
    He had a motel room so I could drive him back there whenever he wanted.

    The thing he has (and really HAS to have) is rituals.... (he reminds me of Poirot and his necessary "toilette" ritual every morning and many other ppl too like C.S. Lewis the famous author was quite the same)....

    my BF MUST do a set of things every morning in his own way and his own time and same at night... we call it his "wind down".
    These are alone.
    He doesn't mind me being around but no talking too! lol. (He likes me singing though which is sweet, he makes me happy so I sing alot when we're together).

    Last weekend he said he would rather not attend any of my friend get togethers (we have yearly and 5 yearly huge reunions)... this made me really sad. But that's really up to him, I have to respect that. I hope that once he met this group, he'd see how cool they are and relax alot more.

    Now he's lived alone for the past 4y, he said he actually likes living alone. (Ugh red flag for us).
    But we agreed that once all the kids leave home, this house is huge enough for him to have his own spaces for his hobbies and me to get on with all my interests too.

    I'm becoming more like my old self - an extrovert and he's clearly an introvert and always has been.

    Interesting times ahead lol!

    Love EM

    3 people found this helpful
  9. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Dear rx

    I saw what you wrote on another thread and it struck some deep chords in me, maybe even a connection somehow to your thread topic here??

    I'd love you to give feedback tho, don't want to get off the track lol.

    Re: the "Italian love" you speak of, did you feel you needed as much time out from her too?

    You've given me introspection and reflection food for thought with what you're sharing.

    You know how you said you think you'd feel numb if you saw her again?
    I thought so too... then like in a movie... I was sitting in a restaurant with my first baby and family... he was jogging on the other side of the road and exactly at the point he would've HAD to cross the road to see me, he did.

    I didn't even know he was back in the country. The last he knew, I was living interstate!

    He jogged across the road dodging traffic then saw me through the huge window.
    He jolted and just stared open mouthed in shock.
    I stared back.
    Felt like minutes went past before he looked at my baby, my husband and family and his face went into shock.
    He lifted his arms and said "Why?". I started to cry, he started to cry too.

    Then he wiped his tears and jogged away.

    A few years later he married.

    I wasn't prepared for that reaction from either of us.

    It's the same when his sisters see me but they talk and talk about how much they hate his W and how much they love me. It's so freaking sad.

    I needed "time out" from relationships to daydream about him. To feel those feelings I had with him. Esp when things were awful in my marriages.

    I could never talk to my Hs about him, they could Google search him and one did when he began working with dream man's sister and SHE told H about us.
    H seriously freaked.

    I can talk to BF about him and he with me about any past loves.
    We seldom feel the need to nowadays.

    But I think being able to do this with each other may have been part of why we could love each other more fully. Maybe, maybe not.

    IDK.

    Love EM

  10. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hiya em , and thanks for the kind words and for talking about the bf he sounds pretty heavy duty. l'm a crazy mix , l don't know if l'd call me an introvert , or just my weird self. He sounds more extreme he's dodging anything social where as myself l'm actually very social matter of fact l may have too much fun if you get my drift haha. But when it suits me, and if it doesn't then l'm also the master of exits think l might've invented the word in another life actually . Your so lucky to have a beautiful herd around you that you feel that way about and enjoy so much by the way, such a nic thing to have in life l'd imagine.

    l have my rituals too one of my biggest problems actually bc they're weird , to anyone else , the hours are weird, the rituals are weird , so they've always created their own set of drama for someone else but eh, l need them and lovem haha so unfortunately she just has to learn to work around them. Buttttt, l also have extreme fun and very very talky spats too and a great sense of humor so it's not like l'm all mr solemn . Trouble is l'm a lot of fun when l am yeah but then l'm not anymore and it can be very hard for someone else because for most it's like moreso one steady them even if they're moody but my things different , l need complete shutdown when l'm done so to speak like turning of a light , tap , done, off.

    l know it's very unfair , and probably just as much so in that when l feel like fun or just talking it's like wth are you l need some action , l know , it's all messed up. Meanwhile she's trying to lay low and give me my space. But she actually works with it quite well these days and unbeadmitted to herself , she actually likes a bit of space too truth b told . But she's far more consistent and steady, patterned than me , she's more normal .

    There's another one of those words huh , deal breakers. Yep you've got some fun times ahead with that one y, for sure , especially with you being so social , not sure how that works out . My ex w was far more social like friendy than l was , but l was far more partying than she was , well later , early days she gave me a run for my money for sure haha.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  11. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx

    Crikeys the more I think about while reading your posts, the more concerned I'm getting lol!

    It'll be okay. I HOPE!

    Oh BF can party big time! We went out on a night club crawl in Switzerland with 5 ppl we just met and stayed out till 5am on our first night! It was just one of those magical nights.

    BFs hours are ALL over the place big time. I've watched what he prefers to do... stay up till 3am or later and sleep till noon. He needs LOTS of sleep, I don't.

    He's Mr Metropolitan living in "our" apartment in Seattle and I'm Ms Ecomama always lots of nature around, pets, kids and more kids etc.

    He grew up in an ultra rich family in San Diego and we grew up dirt poor and I mean dirt poor.
    They owned a helicopter and had movie stars as neighbours! Trips to Europe etc.
    Our car had no floor and was house painted, when we had a car and when we didn't, we had to row the boat to get anywhere.
    We had a can toilet, fished for our dinner and had one tap from a water tank we had to turn on with a spanner!

    Two completely different worlds colliding in wonder.

    Even with ALL those immense differences, we have the same core values;
    Fidelity, commitment, love and family.

    I'd take odd hours to be with a man like that ANY DAY of the week! lol

    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  12. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey em and thanks for talking about that but don't you dare worry about thread topic stuff , l don't believe in that rubbish a threads a conversation hopefully and they can go anywhere right, things lead to things so you just go for your life , and same goes for anyone else.

    But alas , yeppa, l feel like it'd be a numb , but l also know it could be tears, or anything else. We had just insane synchronicities too l've told a few things somewhere else and kept it tame because l knew with even those the reaction , and they were just non believing , just a total blank, no surprise. So l don't say much if things ever come up these days, l always realized just how off the charts it all was, it even shocked us many many times. But just on little one , l drew a roman soldier one evening, l've never drawn one before , she was over in San Francisco that wk opposite side of the planet. Next day she says l had a dream last night l was a roman soldier l said l thought so l think l drew you. We had crazy crazy stuff happen , impossible things. That window and street probably would've happened something like that with us too it wouldn't surprise. But time apart things, we kinda had a different life than gf and me now. She worked in the airlines and was away a lot and she was also a loner so time alone didn't bother her in the slightest, so it's sort of hard to relate the two.

    But at the same time that was a sadly incredible thing wasn't it l know it won't leave you. Em , was he the abusive one l'm wondering . He hadn't given up on you , even if you weren't together. l know she will probably stay single for us , she has 6yrs now , and God knows how , but if she felt or knew l married, l think she would give up too.

    Your thing with bf , yeah , we get it too and she's fantastic about everything and she was very patient with me in finding my way in this . She has a past too of course but like you guys we're open and accepting as l was saying you too actually in lauzs thread , l believe you can kind of have a place for both and the new may well even over take one day.

    Big hug. rx

    2 people found this helpful
  13. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Dear rx

    Firstly, the "dream man" was absolutely not the abusive one, no no no.
    He was a dream lol.

    If not for BB threads, I seldom think of him any more.
    But for many many years I did. It was really beautiful to daydream when things were tough.
    It was an escape for me.

    I don't dwell on thoughts of him at all now except when memories are triggered by posts here.

    My fondest, most favourite, most romantic (omg SO romantic) & precious memories are with my current bf. We're engaged now - between us. I'll ask him if he's going to tell anyone over there about our engagement, I will if it comes up here.

    It's bound to come up because we've chosen my ring today.... funny thing about dreams which could be a lead into your dreams if you'd like to share?
    About 3y ago I had a dream about BF chasing me all up & down a squeezy tight ocean liner trying to give me THE most gaudy, chunky ring with PINK diamonds. I DIDN'T want to wear it! (His daughter has pink diamonds & that would be too awkward, copy cat like)...
    I wanted HIM but not those rings lol.

    Then this year when he asked me to look for an engagement ring for myself that I liked, I did.
    He did too.
    Without saying to you "You won't believe it but...." any more lol... because you will & I will believe your dreams too.... NO MATTER how wild lol.
    He emailed EXACTLY the ring I wanted but it had a PINK diamond!
    I was so shocked but then it became even more eerie.... when I said I chose EXACTLY that same ring but please not a pink diamond! I would prefer a blue stone - like both our eye colours.
    He said he HAD emailed me a ring with a blue sapphire in it!

    Somehow during transmission the pink was chosen as a default or something.
    So out of literally thousands of rings we chose exactly the same one. And without discussing any particulars at all.

    And my dream about it... lol... funny that.

    Rx I've had so many prophetic dreams. Some made my world shudder.
    And those all came to pass. (I don't believe I have prophetic powers or anything like that, just dream some times).

    My daughters & I've had the "same" dream on the same night but we all see the dream from our perspective, because we are ALL in the same dream. It's only happened about 5 x but when it does, we go WOAH... what the...

    I've dreamt about 2 BB members and both happened. One sad for me but one amazingly awesome.

    I can do what you do when having a nightmare.

    Love your Roman soldier dream!

    Love EM

  14. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hiya em.

    Nah the roman soldier wasn't my dream , l just drew a roman soldier that night , l draw. But meanwhile here she was on the other side of the world that same night too and she had the dream.The soldier l drew either came from her dream , or her dream came from the my drawing, we couldn't work out which.

    But no l don't dream predictions or anything special at all myself , thank god. l can make myself dream whatever l want though if l choose, l don't much anymore though l'd rather a good nights sleep.

    That's incredible with the ring but l'd believe it, we had many many things even weirder. And was he here when that happened or still in the US ?

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  15. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx

    My fiancee was in the US when that ring thing happened.

    He's still in the US and is a US citizen, born and bred.
    Currently, (sighhhh) he's working as an Engineer repairing Covid testing instruments.

    His name was top of the list the Federal Govt wrote of the few ppl who could fly anywhere they needed to fly to during any and all lock downs and border closures.
    At times he was the only passenger on huge jets.
    I was terrified for his safety and my anxiety skyrocketed hence I joined BB then.
    The PTSD was activated big time also so I got Psych help for that.

    Tbh I try not to think about it now.

    I hope you get a good night's sleep!

    EM

    2 people found this helpful
  16. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    31 October 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey em.

    l reckon that makes the odds of the ring thing happening about 10million to 1 .

    Weird , my ex worked in the airlines and was us based too. this is one of the biggies in why there was some self sabotaging goin on because there were two countries and jobs and costs involved, whole thing was pretty overwhelming for us both . l kinda wished it all just gone a few times myself too subconsciously , too hard basket .

    ps , haaa thanks , you too . oddly l slept like a log last night.

    2 people found this helpful
  17. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    31 October 2020 in reply to randomx

    Awesome, I'm glad to hear you slept like a log lol!

    I did too and ACTUALLY slept in... now that's a 10 million to 1 chance of happening lol.

    I know, weird about the ring thing. My BF thinks there must have been a "default" ring chosen for sharing the link etc and he really feels he must explain everything scientifically lol!

    Some things one can't explain that way...

    He intends to move here later on.... there's SUCH a legal wrangle in him being able to move here, it's a veritable nightmare. Plus he needs SO MUCH money to retire here... it's like only millionaires can but it is what it is.

    If he can't then we have spot options lol. Maybe living in Hawaii but I don't want to leave my kids at any age, so anything like that will be part time for me. The family have a home in Trust in San Diego so that's more likely.

    Anyway hmmm things WERE far harder before internet etc and by golly a LONG LONG distance LDR is a doozy now.

    How are things with current GF going for you?
    Is she becoming more acclimatised (lol) to your need for space?

    And / or are you managing better with it all?

    Love EM

  18. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Haaa.yeah thought of that but nah , it's still a very very very long shot and there's a lot more happening than just search engines, but without saying too much because l'd get the boot , the explanation thing is so American.

    Ha , tell me about it , the moving alone was huge and it was on her bc l can't leave either, but l also wouldn't live in the US . We thought about NZ , 10 times easier than Aus but l dunno, l'd feel kinda claustrophobic stuck out there , Aus is lsland enough for me. Then we thought about ltaly, also 100x easier than Aus , but she didn't really wanna go back and l had reservations too. And on and on it went. Not to discourage you guys because tbh l still wonder. Anyway , nother story and thx for changin the subject before l end up bs'g on about the wrong person.

    But yep , we're much much better , pretty well found our rhythm and wouldn't you know, now she has to fly back home next wk. Of course !!!! , arrrrrr. l'm still the same always will be but providing the other one can settle down and not be too needy you can find a balance , some compromise and from there hopefully some mutual contentment . like most times if only we could have just a few wks more l think by then we'd have our thing all panned out nicely haha, damn it. Been one of the biggies right through l've hoped stays have just been a bit too short to find it but this one was a bit longer and the extra's made a huge difference. She's been coming up and back 2yrs you see could be a few wks or mths depends . She could've moved down 12mths ago but l wasn't quite ready but so that meant she then had to lock in some things up home again for at least another 12 -18mths and so we're still on that now. This trip back home could well be the last one needed though this time if rx decides he's ready this time , if he's not she'll probably tell him to take a hike ahhhhh, to put it politely.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  19. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    Pretty big decisions for you and with it all comes responsibility too I think?

    I guess in mine and fiancee's situation we are forced to marry if either one of us wants to live in the other's country.
    Our ages dictate far less Visa options.

    Yes he's most certainly "American" through and through and through! lol.

    Tbh he is SUCH a refreshing change. Strong character traits and Values being the hugest difference I've found. Ofcourse I don't know ALL Australian males lol... and I've strived to drive "good character" into all my children from a young age, but I had to do all the research myself as it wasn't taught at all.

    "Tell the truth" was about as far as it got here for me.

    But "character" is just not part of our every day discourse here as it most certainly IS in America I've found. It would be up to each person to heed such strong messages ofcourse, but at least the message is out there, there.

    Not here.

    How do you feel about making a firmer commitment to gf?

    It's great you two got the rhythm happening. If you got it together once, you can do it again!

    If BF lived around the corner, I would be happy to stay bf / gf, keep the 2 houses thing going and keep financial things legally separated as far as possible. Here an 18 month relationship or even less than a year in some cases has been declared "defacto" even without living together.
    I prefer the American "common law marriage" of 7y living together.
    Makes more sense to me.

    EMxxxx

    It is what it is in each country lol good, bad or ugly!

    1 person found this helpful
  20. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    1 November 2020

    haaa that's funny and it right there you see bc just about everything on the net is ahh, and they need everything explained and all nicely pigeon holed you see. But eh , my ex said many do have a good heart , no doubt there are some very nice people too as with any.

    but anyway yeah it'd mean her moving down so as ya know that's not like just driving back and forth from houses , hers is a long day and flight away so it's a much bigger thing for both in that way isn't it after divorces and life at this stage. Funny , we met right here in Vic and l thought thk God, same country even state , ummm, she was only visiting . But eh she's a lot closer that ltaly and the US haha.

    l have to come back , l'm being called haha. rx

    1 person found this helpful
  21. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    2 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    And you would find the same trying to research Australian women, there's nothing .Not that l need to but tis what it tis. l couldn't even answer what our national dish was once bc as far as l know we don't even have one. Now not to turn you off your man because as my ex said there are some really nice people over there with good hearts , as there are anywhere . But knowing many l would interpret strong character as me me me and entitlement hence their Covid record and many other things, bc that's been my experience but like l said not all as with anywhere else. And there are also some incredible Aussies too but you know in matters of the heart selectiveness is the crucial being.We can all choose wrong and misjudge and it's equally as crucial in choosing of a woman no matter the race.

    My gf in Portuguese and she is a truly beautiful and special soul , but l could say similar of my ex w too an Australian , but because of who she was , even if we didn't work out. But l wouldn't be saying that about many not even my 6 sisters , but l wouldn't be saying that about anyone no matter from where in this throw away world of nowa days, only of the individual .Behind the curtain has sadly too often been a disappointment to me no matter what the front, seems you've gotta dig real deep these days. God that sounds depressing

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  22. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    2 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    ps , and so admittedly l do have trust issues because l expect far mar than most have, seen too much.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    2 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    😮 did you say SIX sisters?

    LOLOLOL... omg that's alot!

    Look, I love women to bits. I come from a family of Amazon Women (we call ourselves lol)
    They're some of my bestest friends on earth too but I am SO glad I didn't have sisters lol... THANK YOU GOD. Yah I know I'M a sister but hey, I'm pretty awesome LOL... my brother thinks I'm cool and he loves me, so that's ALL I need or could ever want.

    A GOOD relationship.

    Because I think at the basis of all this we're talking about is finding GOOD people to have GOOD relationships with.
    We can't choose our family.

    Oh rx I COMPLETELY AGREE with everything you say about Americans and would probably agree with everything you HAVEN'T said! 😂🤣 there is a LOT I'm not saying.

    I never wanted to visit America and would NEVER have dreamed of being with an American man, esp one who still LIVES there lol. (You can IMAGINE my friend's reactions and my family were like WHAT THE? I didn't even let the kids watch The Simpsons when they were younger lol!).

    But happenchance happened and it's been the most fortuitous relationship I've had so far - only counting intimate ones there.

    No by character I meant:
    - fidelity
    - loyalty
    - commitment
    - steadfastness
    - LOVE
    - caring
    - reliability
    - generosity
    - honesty
    - trust
    and MORE...
    I could go on and on about fiancee's character traits that I find INCREDIBLE, just mind-blowingly AMAZING. (See Stephen Covey's stuff online about "character vs personality" - it's AWESOME).

    Add to that he can pick me up and throw me over his shoulder to carry me over a snow berm!
    And DOES lol. He calls me "petite" which NO Australian has ever said.
    He's such a GENTLEMAN lol.

    When I went to "our" apartment in Seattle for the first time, he carried me over the door stop lol... just like an old fashioned married couple are supposed to do after they get married.

    He's hopelessly romantic too. omg... can't say things here... he's crazy romantic. And he has a voice smooth like caramel, he likes mine too and we call speaking to each other "an emotional massage" lol.

    My kids stopped worrying altogether when they saw how he treated me when he came. They said they could see how much he loved and adored me.

    Plus he installed pretty cool light fixtures! LOL. So he won the kids over lol.

    I have to stop rambling... I'm still very much in love with him after 5y and that's something lol.

    Love EM
    PS: I find all men are "me me me" lol!!! That's okay, we love you. 😂🤣🤣😂

  24. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    3 November 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Yep , 6. Youch.l know it's just not a nice thing but l often wish it was just the brothers, all the crap in our family come from the sisters sorry but that's just how it is.Admittedly non of them are my type of women l get along with women really well and get along with some of the sisters really well but l could still takem or leavem, or just leavem. The brothers we're all just so hassle free and have just developed into very cool caring genuine mates over the yrs whether it's been 5yrs since we'd seen each other or a few wks. There's never any bs, it's always just an absolute pleasure to catch up or talk.

    Anyway , back to the issue at hand.

    l really just don't understand my mix, it's just effg crazy. My gf had to leave this morning for Sydney and hr legal matters again but l really just do not understand myself on this , yet l understand myself far more than most and in very intricate in depth ways but on this , l just don't get wth is going on with me. l'm soooooo glad to have my bed back tonight , sooooo glad to have a free house again, to watch what l want loud as l want eat when l want do what l want. But wth. There were lots of tears this morng and last night but now l'm just that damn relieved to be not answering to anyone again.

    She's a gorgeous girl , beautiful looking and a deep deep beautiful soul . She's got a heart of absolute gold , we get along mostly just really easily and naturally and mostly just get each other. She's funny , very caring and she fits into my lifestyle which is a feat all it's own, like a glove. Even settles into my alone time need quite happily after a mth or two.l mean l'm a fussy guy with women the sort of woman l like is a one in millions so although there's only been the two since my divorce 10ish yrs ago, there was plenty of opportunity if l wanted it even a couple of richies and yet l've found someone like this that fills more boxes than even l could hope for , but yet, l'm glad to have my bed and house back.

    wth is wrong with me , what do l wanna grow old alone. Single mates have said wtf , you've found woman like her that loves you to but vut your carrying on like this , you need your bloody head read and your gonna lose her if your not bloody careful , and they're right too.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  25. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    3 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    Even my daughter loves her , l mean she's an absolute classic spirit and character def no plain Jane and d just digs the hell out of that . My d is really going through some heavy stuff right now and so l didn't want to stress her out right now butttt, she wanted to so. They sat in the kitchen and talked for hours and my gf was just so caring , really looked after her.

    l really couldn't ask for more , but yet l'm glad to have the bed and house to myself again. l rest my case l obviously need my head read. rx

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1923 posts
    3 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    hi rx

    i wander if i'm a bit like that as well - i've always since i was small felt the need to have time alone

    it always terrified me to be in a position where i couldn't have that. i was scared i simply wouldn't cope...so i can relate in a way - especially to the kind of relief to have space to yourself.
    It doesn't mean she isn't awesome and amazing and a great partner - i think it's just some people like space
    does she also like her space or talk about wanting to be around more? in todays day and age its so interesting you can have relatioonships that exist in text and accross countries... and it works

    I can't believe you have 6 sisters.... that would definitely be a noisy household! fun/catty/interesting and never dull for sure.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    4 November 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hiya sleepy and thx for that. And now that l've got the bed to myself l dunno whether to sleep or stay up all night on the pc in bed or wth. So for now l'm back haha,

    Have ya , yeah right. Then at the same time yeah you must worry that it could mean you end up alone as l do. And what's so great about being alone l ask myself , it's boring really l mean it must be we've got no one to talk to and share life with right , so it's ridiculous. l don't even get why l would choose it , you must just scratch your head too.

    She is actually yeah , really is a very very special partner and really nah she doesn't mind a bit of space actually either and seems to settle in to my ways pretty good really, eventually . But yeah it is weird all this part time thing with only messages and calls when your not together but you can still be just about together in a sense with support and 24 7 chit chat it's almost the same sometimes . not physically of course but the rest is such a big part of a relationship and you can still actually fill that part surprisingly well.

    3 people found this helpful
  28. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1923 posts
    4 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    hey rx - did you end up getting some sleep?

    i've past a fair few all nighters this year for sure....netflix has been a savior :)

    being alone you're right is not so special - it's kind of like we crave company at times but then similarly crave that alone time....it's like how much alone time could make one feel fulfilled? i wander if lots of people feel like this... conflicted...

    oh yeah totally and every way made me worry about not being able to live a normal partnered up life. I seemed to cope best when i was around people i wasn't even close to - housemates etc - they weren't besties but we sort of coexisted like friendly strangers - that was always easy for me. Harder for me to be emeshed. But then isn't being emeshed the ultimate??

    Sounds like living with her has a nice, pleasant feeling though, which is sweet.
    This has made me think so much about shared living - what I like about it and what i don't

    despite having a billion million fears about not being able to live easily with someone because i love my space

    i've lived for 2 years in an emormous share house with loads of people and barely had a problem with any of them. was happy and harmonious

    and then i've had two hospital stays this year (4 weeks each) - also - super chill and easily bonded with everyone while having my space as well.

    interesting! How is it having space in ur place now? the endless struggle for alone time vs socialising - never resolved lol

    1 person found this helpful
  29. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    4 November 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey sleepy , hope your traveling ok.

    I've always been a night owl but to the extreme , all night every night for yrs , sun coming up stuff , catching a few hours sleep before work and that'd be it. Strangely l'd have so much energy on just a few hours sleep never been sure how that works but l did meet another guy once was much the same and only got 2 or 3 hrs a night but yet full of beans. l've read up and worried to about how bad no sleep is for us though especially for yrs on end and so just this last 12mths or so l'm trying to train myself into more normal hours but 12ish is still a very early night and l probably won't sleep which also makes things weird with a partner. l still hate missing any night but l'm onto 1 or 2ish and 6 or 7 hrs a night now this last 6mths so it's a huge improvement .

    l have worried too about maybe just not even being capable of partnering up these days and thought much about the pros and cons. l must admit just tonight though l've actually missed gf a lot this time now, it's taken me 2yrs but it is creeping in l realize, so that's something, might be hope for me yet. but l'm still adoring the space.lt's very weird , l've watched married men a wondered my whole life how most are so entwined into 2 rather than one and how they cope , but then most are pretty normal and that life is pretty normal so it's not much help. Me on the other hand , mr weirdo .

    l do get the house sharing thing there's something nicely non committal, non needy and uncomplicated, about just knowing people as apposed to things being more than that.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. randomx
    randomx avatar
    1613 posts
    4 November 2020 in reply to randomx

    l have been worrying though and thought a lot about how l might be these days with someone else, would l still be the same , maybe there's a problem? but l can't know l was having a lot of troubles being married though and l've spent a lot of time on my own since so that's the thing , nothing to compare it too.

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up