Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: What happens now

  1. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    17 May 2020
    A bit if this is a re run of stuff already mentioned in the other posts.
    My husband made me so angry I was shaking and crying.
    He pushed and pushed to find out why i was so upset so I stood up to my husband last night, threw his lies back in his face especially about the ones of him and his flirtation messages to another married woman and he still stood there and denied it all and tried to turn it to be my fault.
    This morning anxiety has kick in - what have I done. I wanted to be able to still get along but I just couldn't take his lies anymore. He thought by having a beer last night he was staying. He started a fire in the fire pit and i asked it to ensure he put it out before he left. He looked at me and asked "am I leaving am I".
    Now I am afraid to leave the house for 2 reasons-
    1. His "friend has threatened to harm me when she sees me next
    2. We have a mortgage together and I can't afford to pay for it by myself; and 2 kids but at the same time I am afraid to stay as he has a key to let himself in and i am scared that if i do have to go, what will I come home too. He has told people I won't do anything because I need him to sign for when I put the house up for sale so he thinks he has me over a barrel (and he probably does as I haven't got legal advise yet).
    I slept on the lounge last night so I could hear if anyone was around.
    He has been sleeping in his car for close to 2 weeks but still eating, showering, washing clothes, using us like drop in centre because - his words "I can't do anything about it because its his house too".
    Because it is Sunday here I feel like I have no support to turn too. I don't have family or friends around that I can turn too either. He has family but its funny because he hasn't told any of them.
    I don't know what to do now. I know I need legal advise but I have been finding it so hard to make calls when working full time plus the kids plus trying to sort this stuff out plus not knowing when he was going to be around or not.
  2. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Hi ShyOne

    We have been through this before; the following is what I would do in your place; you may, or may not agree.

    1. See you doctor to get your stress and anxiety under control. You can't hope to do anything unless you look after yourself first. Stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation are your biggest problems at this point
    2. Get some legal advice as soon as you can; there are many options - RA, WSL, free consult with a lawyer
    3. If your husband's friend has threatened to harm you, go to the police and explain what is going on. You can do this 24/7. The police will issue and AVO if the threat is real. Do not make a false allegation.
    4. Forget about the house and the house mortgage; they are secondary issues for the moment
    5. Diary the date of separation; this is an important date. Tell your employer, centrelink, your doctor, your dentist, your psychologist, the school principal (anyone you know) that you and your husband have separated. This is more important than you might think.
    6. Tell your employer what is going on and ask for some time off to get some legal advice. Your problem will not fix itself, you need to be proactive if you want a resolution.

    Have you given any thought to moving out of the house and into short term rented accommodation; say a small unit, flat or caravan park; you said you own a caravan.

    Should you choose to go down this path, your husband will be responsible for the house mortgage. If you had taken some legal advice, your lawyer would have told you that the spouse living in the house is normally responsible for the mortgage and the payment of utilities. Should your husband default on the mortgage you will need legal advice; but that is an issue for a later date.

    Just a few thoughts to get you thinking!

    Paul

  3. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Mr Paul
    Hi Mr Paul,
    Yes we have spoken about them before.
    At the beginning of my situation I had time off work as I was having a breakdown so I won't be able to have more time right now. If I knew it wasn't going forward I would have sorted it then but he gave the impression things were improving.
    I am not used to doing things on my own either as you may understand, having that person beside you for so long I am also finding it a struggle to do things alone.
  4. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Hi

    I understand what you are saying; I was the same. For 30 years my wife and I did everything together. When we separated I had to learn how to do things by myself. It felt strange at first, and to some extent it still does nearly 12 months later.

    The best thing you can do for yourself right now is get your anxiety and stress under control. If that requires medication from your doctor; then so be it. Once you are in a better headspace, you can tackle the others issues as and when they pop up.

    If you don't want to move out of the house, then stay put; no one can force you to leave. Only you will know what is best for you!

    You will get through this!

  5. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Mr Paul
    Hi,
    I do want to move so much, it has hard to put in words why without it raising a red flag. The kids and i have been driving around looking at the outsides, yards and areas of the ones I should be able to afford. I just don't want it to go through that i have abandoned the property.
  6. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    17 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    It sounds like you have made up your mind to go. A local restate agent should be able to help you find a rental that you can afford. You may be entitled to some help from Centrelink, but that is a something that others on this forum may know more about than me.

    As I said previously, if you do move into a rental, the matrimonial home becomes your husbands responsibility. He will have to pay the mortgage and utilities since he will be living in the house. You will not lose any legal entitlement to the house by moving out; if that is what you want to do.

    When you can, please get some legal advise; preferably before you move. Apart from the financial matters, there are parenting and child support issues that also need to be sorted. The WLS and RA are far more qualified to guide you than I am - especially since children are involved.

    If you want to talk, let us know how you are going.

    Take care!

  7. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    19 May 2020
    Hi,
    I have a different reasoning for this question now. I don't have to sort things for seperation as my husband died by suicide yesterday.
  8. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    2231 posts
    19 May 2020 in reply to Shyone
    Hi Shyone
     
    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Our community is here for you. We’ve also checked in with you via email to provide you with some additional supports.
    Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
     
  9. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    19 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Hi Shyone

    That was not the resolution that you or anyone would have wanted. Clearly, there were other "darker" issues in play.

    My only advice is; don't play the blame game. Blame will not change what has happened; blame will not help you and your children move forward.

    Now would be the time to seek the help of a phycologist. You and your children need to come to terms with what has happened.

    I wish things had turned out better!

    Please stay in touch if you need to talk.

    Paul

  10. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Hi Shyone

    Just checking in to see how you are coping!

    Are you getting any support?

    Paul

  11. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Mr Paul
    Hi Mr Paul,
    Thank you for checking on me.
    I don't know whether I am coping or not. One minute I'm good the next I am bawling my eyes out. I don't know what I an meant to be doing. I feel lost, lonely, confused and don't know where to start. Still waiting for him to come home from Newcastle, so still working through funeral stuff.
    We may have been partially separated by him sleeping separately from me for a while but he was still here. My boys and I were ready for separation but not this.
  12. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    3723 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Shyone - I am sorry to hear about your loss. There are no words I could say that might the ease the feeling and thoughts you are having. There are no time limits on "getting better", there is only your way.

    The community here is very caring and supportive - if you feel you need or want to the chat here, people are here to read and support you. I will listen to you if you want to tell your story. It might also be helpful to get professional help if you feel you need it. Please also try to be kind to yourself.

    The suicide callback service has some useful information here...

    https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/resource/common-experiences-suicide-bereavement/

    Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

    Tim

  13. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Shyone

    Hi Shyone

    You have been dealt a lousy hand; a marriage breakup and a death at the same time; it doesn't get much worse.

    Your comments reminded me of my parent's marriage. They fought like cats and dogs for over 40 years; they also came close to separating. That being said, when my dad died my mother said that she actually missed him; in spite of all the ugly fights over the years. She also expecting him to walk through the door at any minute. She would often make coffee for two, prepare meals for two, expecting him to be there.

    I suppose the take-home message is; it takes time to readjust after the death of a spouse; even if you were heading for a divorce.

    The best thing you can do right now is talk to the people here at BB and give yourself the time you need to recover. The legal and financial matters can wait until you are ready.

    Please stay in touch if you want to talk!

  14. Shyone
    Shyone avatar
    38 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to Mr Paul
    Hi,
    I miss him terribly. I do expect him to walk through the door or call.
    I didn't really want the separation, he just gave up on us. We didn't really fight either until the last 2 months of his life.
    Our boys and i are just taking it day by day. This week is the test as the funeral is on. I expect it to throw us backwards but we are here to help each other through it.
    Thank you for all the support
  15. Mr Paul
    Mr Paul avatar
    99 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to Shyone

    G'day Shyone

    It is good to hear from you! I was wondering how you were going.

    Yes, the funeral will throw you back a step or two. Once it is all over, I think you will feel a lot better. I don't know why, but when my dad died, I felt a lot better after the funeral. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Hopefully you will feel, and experience the same relief.

    Life for you and the children will be different. You will miss him, but with time, things will get back to a new normal. As you said, "day by day"; baby steps.

    I hope you are getting some professional help? This is all to much for one person to deal with.

    Stay in touch if you want to vent.

    Sometimes it helps to just put your thoughts down on paper or the computer screen.

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up